


The Disappearance of Claire Fraser

by LOutlander



Category: Outlander (TV), Outlander Series - Diana Gabaldon
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-06-20
Updated: 2021-02-02
Packaged: 2021-03-03 19:48:28
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 14
Words: 43,177
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24821104
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LOutlander/pseuds/LOutlander
Summary: “Do ye know how painful it is to look someone who is yer entire world, yer everything, in the eyes and not see the reflection of yer love?”A near fatal car accident almost claims Claire’s life. Jamie is overjoyed when his wife finally wakes up, but what will he do now that she doesn’t remember ever becoming his wife?
Relationships: Claire Beauchamp/Jamie Fraser, Claire Fraser/Jamie Fraser
Comments: 297
Kudos: 497





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you Karla and Rae for giving me confidence to post; also thank you for being my betas!!!

Chapter I: Oblivion 

_ I was dead. Everything around me was a blinding white, I felt like I was bodiless, peaceful and free of terror.  _

_ Till I began to cough, that’s when the pain set in; I wasn't bodiless after all. Each painful breath I inhaled was met with an even more painful exhale. _

_ I slowly lifted my head off the steering wheel. A warm liquid began to leak from my forehead, running across my swollen right eye, gathering at my chin. I inhaled and brought my bruised right arm up to touch my forehead; it was split open, like a watermelon or cantaloupe with the flesh underneath on display.  _

_ I touched my forehead one more time, before my right arm went limp and dropped from the exertion.  _

_ My back felt like it was cut open, from the base of my neck all the way down to my tailbone. The tingling I felt was like my skin had been peeled back and the vertebrae columns shattered leaving my spinal cord exposed and vibrating like a string.  _

_ My limbs were heavy and bruised, almost like dead weight. My right arm felt like someone had been trying to pull it out of its socket. I tried to move my left arm, but was hit with the alarming realization I couldn’t even feel it.  _

_ My arm was wedged in the space between the elbow rest and the driver seat. The circulation must be cut off from my hand up to my forearm, because I couldn’t feel anything. Panic set in, I needed to un-wedge my arm because if I don't I will need it amputated. _

_ Through my blurry and cloudy left eye, I looked down. Blinking a few times, I tried to focus my eye on my arm but all I could see were reflections of light from the shattered glass that surrounded me.  _

_ I began to sob and hyperventilate. Coughing, my eyelids began to feel tight; my nose was definitely broken. I steady my sobs and catch my breath. _

_ Pushing all my other injuries and pain out of my mind for a slight moment. Taking a few deep breaths, in and out. _

**_You can do this Beauchamp. You must save your arm, you need it for them, to hold them. Think about only them._ **

_ With all the strength I had left in me, my right hand grabbed a hold of my left wrist.  _

_ My jaw tensed as I tried to slide my left arm out, painfully slow. Sucking my breath in through clenched teeth, I held back my tears and sobs.  _

_ Once it was free, all the pain that was delayed from the circulation being cut off, came flooding in and debilitating me. I sobbed and sobbed.  _

**_Pull yourself together Beauchamp, focus on your injuries and survival._ **

_ I began mentally cataloging the damage. Broken ribs. Whiplash with a concussion, based upon the white light I was seeing on my eyelids and the pain in my neck. A rigid-deep laceration along my left forearm and my forehead. A broken nose. Potentially a broken left femur.  _

_ A ruptured spleen and internal bleeding.  _ _ Out of all my injuries, this is the one that worried me. The internal bleeding was confirmed as blood was brought up each time I coughed, I was dying.  _

_ A noise startles me, it takes me a moment to realize that the noise was coming from the bluetooth in my car. I was getting a call. Jamie. God I hoped it was him.  _

_ I couldn't read the name that was appearing on the screen. I inhaled deeply and held my breath as I reached across, my fingertips just reaching the answer button on the steering wheel.  _

_ Jamie’s voice undermined with worry immediately filled the air “Hello, Sassenach, where are ye? It's been a long time since ye left. Hello” _

_ “Ja..Jami...Jamie” I stutter trying to find breath to say his name. _

_ “Claire? Claire? Can ye hear me? What's wrong? Where are ye?” _

_ “I love--” _

_ “Claire! Talk to me please!” _

_ I held back my sobs and tried to calm my breathing. Using all my strength I breathed, “I love you and kiss him for me please--kiss our son”  _

_ “Sassenach, keep talking to me where are ye? What's happened?”  _

_ I could faintly hear Alex’s cries in the background.  _

_ “Car… crash–” I began, but was interrupted by a cough. Blood splattering on the steering wheel.  _

_ “Sassenach!” I could hear the panic in Jamie’s voice. I knew what I was putting him through. I hoped that he would be able to take care of Alex without me. Death was looming over me like a dark cloud.  _

_ “Dinna hang up, I have yer location on your phone. I'm coming. Keep talking to me Claire, please.”  _

__

_ I coughed again. Then again. Each time more and more crimson red blood covered the steering wheel. Blood escaped through my mouth and dripped down my chin.  _

_ I felt tightness in my chest, getting tighter and tighter as more and more blood escapes. I had begun to see stars, and I knew that I was going to black out soon. I said a small prayer for my lads.  _

_ Please God, please take care of them and watch over them. Let Jamie find someone to take care of him and our son. Alex will need a mother and Jamie will need someone to love him.  _

_ “Claire, keep talking. Mo nighean donn, please.” _

_ “Jami…”  _

_ In the distance, I could hear sirens and felt a glimer of hope. They were growing louder in a perfect crescendo, but I could feel myself slipping away. The last words I could recall were Jamie’s. _

_ He was begging. “Claire, please. Please dinna leave us. I love ye. PLEASE” _

_ And then I let the darkness take me. _

  
  


**_5 hours before the accident_ **

“Jamie, I am about to go to the store and run some errands. I need more Tim Tams. Anything else you need me to add to the list?” I yell, standing by the front door, slipping my feet into my runners. 

A few seconds later, I turned to see both my lads walking up to me. 

“Tim Tams? I don’t think we’ve had those in the house since ye were pregnant with Alex.” 

He gave me a knowing smirk and opening his mouth to continue, but immediately closed it and moved on as soon as he saw the look I was giving him. I rolled my eyes and laughed.

“Do ye have my favorite biscuits on the grocery list? It's been too long since I have eaten those” 

I chuckle slightly, “Yes, I have those biscuits on the list.”

Looking so small in his father’s big arms, Alex had a look of concentration on his little face, focusing on stuffing the teething ring he was holding into his mouth. I smile at him, using the blue bib he had around his neck, to wipe the drool that had accumulated on his chin. 

He looked up at me, frowning because I interrupted him. 

“Hi lovey” I say gently, kissing the tip of his nose and rubbing his baby belly.

Dropping the frown, he gurgled and smiled back at me, flashing his little front teeth that's coming in. I run my hands over his curly auburn hair and kiss his pudgy cheek. 

“I do love you,” I say quietly, sighing at the wonder that was a piece of Jamie and I’s love.

“I won't be gone long. Are you sure you're going to be okay? I could take him with me.” I say hesitantly. 

“I think I can take care of my son for a couple of hours on my own, thank ye verra much” Jamie says offensively. 

“Well, he has been teething and crying more than usual lately. I just want to make sure he’s alright” I argue. 

“Go run your errands, Sassenach. And bring back those biscuits, we will be fine. Right laddie? Tell yer Ma we will be just fine.” Jamie responds, bouncing Alex in his arms. 

Making a few baby noises, Alex pipes up confidently. 

“That's right, let her know.” Jamie agrees. 

I laugh, shaking my head. “Alright, I'm off, my lads. I’ll be back soon. Love you,” I say, kissing both my boy’s goodbye. 

“Love ye too.” 

**_2 hours before the accident_ **

“Hush now laddie, tis all right” I said, fumbling to rub the gel in his mouth.

After multiple attempts, I finally got a small amount of the oral gel rubbed on his gums. I offered him his bottle and he took it, his wee hand curved around the middle of it, holding it up to his mouth; his other wee hand balled into a fist rubbing it across his eyes.

He had been wailing ever since Claire had left earlier. For hours now, twisting and flinging his arms around as I held him trying to comfort him. 

Pushing his hair out of his face, I realized he felt hot. Skin blazing; I was certain he was running a fever.

“Taing dhia”

Trying not to panic I remember what Claire had told me:

_ “Babies usually run a fever when they are teething. It's perfectly normal darling I can assure you. Just take off some of his clothing, socks and pants and such. Then, turn on the fan in his nursery.” _

Thank christ for her, I wouldn’t know what to do or how to handle him. 

I stripped off his pants and socks, leaving him in nothing but a onesie and a nappy on. 

“What would we do wi’out yer Ma, huh?” 

Walking him up the stairs to his nursery, I could feel his head drooping on my shoulder.

I slowly walked over and turned the fan on that sat next to his cot. Then ever so slowly, I sat in the rocking chair in the left corner. Rocking him slowly, scared to rouse him so he wouldn't wail like a car alarm for another hour or two. 

I tried my best to rock him at a steady pace, the same way Claire does. She made it look so easy. 

All afternoon, I had been trying to do everything she does. From the way she bounced him on her hip to the way she rubs his back when she’s calming him. Changing his nappies, calming him down when he’s crying, knowing what he wants based on his cry. My attempts to imitate her didn’t go as planned. 

Nothing I did was up to par with the way Claire cared for him. 

Finally, his breathing went steady and limbs went limp, he finally surrendered to exhaustion.

Seeing the bottle out of the corner of my eye slipping out of his hand, I catch it before it falls. 

Confident he was in a deep sleep, I laid him down on his stomach in his cot. 

His hair was wild, curls sticking out in all directions. I smooth the hair out of his face, cheeks a rosy red with his mouth slightly ajar. 

I place the back of my hand on his forehead, trying to gauge if he still had a fever.

His skin was still warm. Letting out the breath I didn’t know I was holding, I turn on the monitor next to the chair and slip out of his nursery. 

I make my way downstairs to the kitchen to check my phone. Claire hadn’t text me since she left the grocery store. I know she had other errands to run, whatever that meant, but she usually checks in on Alex. 

Looking at the time of her last text, it had been two hours. Worry was nagging in the back of my mind.

“Sure it’s nothin’,” I thought to myself. “Best let it go and she’ll check in soon.”

Slumping my tired body on the sofa, I send her a quick update on Alex. Before I knew it, I myself fell into a deep sleep. 

What felt like only moments later, I heard Alex’s cries erupting from the baby monitor. 

Yawning and stretching, I propel myself up off the sofa. Blinking madly, trying to focus my eyes on my phone screen.

16:33. Blinking again frowning at the time. 16:33.  _ 5 hours _ . Claire had been gone for 5 hours. 

Alex's cries grew louder as I pushed myself to walk up the stairs.

Under my last text I sent her was the word “delivered”. She hadn’t even read my text yet. I sent it over an hour ago.

_ Something wasn’t right. _

I felt a chill go down my spine as I made my way to Alex’s nursery. 

My shaky hands fumbling to call her.

Ringing. The ringing went on, and on, and on...

_ Come on, Sassenach. Pick up.  _

Ringing continued until all of a sudden it stopped and was replaced by shallow breathing. 

I tried to steady myself and not let my mild panic show in my voice. I swallowed hard.

“Hello, Sassenach, where are ye? It's been a long time since ye left. Hello?”

“Ja..Jami...Jamie” she stuttered my name, breathless.

_ Something was wrong. _

“Claire? Claire? Can ye hear me? What's wrong? Where are ye?”

“I love--” she began then stopped.

“Claire! Talk to me please!”

“I love you and kiss him for me please--kiss our son” 

“Claire, keep talking to me where are ye? What's happened?” 

Alex’s cries rose higher once he saw me, sitting on his bottom he reached out for me to pick him up. 

“Car… crash” I faintly hear her say before she started having a coughing fit. 

_ Oh god no. Please let her live. Lord may she be safe. She and the child. _

My mind racing, I hurriedly fumble with my phone. Opening and closing various apps to find what I was looking for. Her location. 

“Sassenach! Dinna hang up, I have your location on your phone, I'm coming, keep talking to me Claire please.” 

I found her. She was along a back road, 15 minutes from our home. 

“Claire, keep talking to me. Mo nighean donn, please.” I instruct as I scoop the baby out of his crib. 

Grabbing my work phone out of my briefcase, I quickly dialed 999. 

_ “Hello, the emergency service operator. Which service do you require?”  _

_ “I need the ambulance and the police service” _

_ “I’ll connect you now.”  _

_ “Ambulance service, what’s the address of the emergency? Where are you?”  _

_ “My wife, Claire Fraser has been in a car accident, she is at North Adelaide road, near the North London golf centre’” _

“Jami…” she whispers. 

_ “Sir, can you please tell me what intersection you're near?” _

“I’m coming Claire, hang on '' running down the stairs, both phones in my hand and Alex on my side crying his eyes out. Quickly grabbing my keys, I run out my front door not even bothering to lock it. 

_ “Sir, sir are you still there?” _

_ “She's northwest near windermere and Adelaide.”  _

Sensing my fear and panic, Alex seized his crying. Staring intently at me rushing and fumbling, his tear streaked face was beet red. 

_ Damn it.  _ My hands fumbled as I tried to buckle him in his car seat. I took a deep breath to calm myself. Finally getting him strapped into his car seat placing a bottle, I didn't even realize I grabbed into his pudgy hands. 

Jumping into the driver seat, my phone connects to the bluetooth. 

“Claire, ye still there? Talk to me”

_ “Sir, I need you to check your wife. Is she still breathing? Is she conscious?”  _

_ “I’m not with her. I am on my way to her. I need an ambulance quickly. My wife is dying. Hurry!!” _

“Jami…” she whispers. I could hear her coughing and her breathing sounded like she was wheezing. 

_ “Help is on the way” _

“Claire, please. Please dinna leave us. I love ye PLEASE” 

“Claire” I called out making sure she was still there. The line went silent.

  
  
  
  
  



	2. After it All

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> While Claire remains comatose, Jamie tries to cope with recent events.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to my betas, I would be lost without your help. and thank you for the lovely comments! Enjoy this new chapter!!

“Good afternoon Mr. Fraser,” the trauma surgeon, Dr. Stewart greeted me. 

I give him a nod. 

“Any noticeable changes today? Small movement or a twitch in her hand or leg?” he probes, logging into her chart. 

Shaking my head no, I tightened my hold on her hand. 

It had been a week since the accident. 

A week since I last heard her voice and saw her bonny eyes. 

A week since she last said I love you. 

A week since I last heard her laugh. 

A week since the last time I watched her serenade and hold Alexander close. 

A week since I last held her in my arms and made love to her. 

A week since I was last whole. 

A week felt like a lifetime ago.

“Well,” he began, breaking me from my thoughts. 

“Her most recent CBC shows a high white blood cell count and a low red blood cell count, but that is nothing to be too alarmed about. Typical when a person has suffered trauma. The HCG levels are elevated. BP has consistently been decreased daily, which is a great sign…”

He rambled about other things in her chart, going on and on, but not really telling me what I truly want to know. 

_When will she wake up? When will she come back to me?_

“Before I begin examining her incisions, do you have any questions Mr. Fraser?” 

“No.” I replied matter-of-factly. I kissed her hand and gently placed it to her side. 

The nurse who was on call today, walked in with medical supplies to change her dressings. 

Dr. Stewart, pushed the blanket down to her midriff and peeled back the left side of her hospital gown. He gently removed the tape and gauze that was along the center of her abdomen. The long vertical incision still had the surgical staples holding the flesh together, no redness or inflammation around it. The surgeon explained he had to remove part of her spleen due to a rupture, this was called a splenectomy. 

On top of performing an open splenectomy, the surgeon repaired a liver laceration and injuries to her kidneys; he set her broken nose, ribs, and forearm. 

“The incision is healing well,” the doctor observed, as he grabbed for the clean gauze and tape. “Note that the staples can be removed a week from today,” he stated to the nurse, flashing me a quick smile. 

Continuing about his work and moving on to the right side of her body, Dr. Stewart repeats the same examination and assessment, but now moves to focus on the incision from the liver laceration repair. 

After he completed his examination, the doctor turned and asked, “I know this is extremely difficult for you.” I sensed the hesitancy in his voice and felt myself tense. He continued, “I must ask about…” 

Blinking away the tears forming in my eyes, my nostrils flare holding back emotion. I swallow and meet his eyes. 

_What else could be wrong that he can't find the words to say? Is she getting worse?_

He exhaled and laid a hand upon my shoulder, before walking away and not pushing the matter any further. 

The doctor came every day to examine and replace the dressing for the various wounds throughout her body. During this daily process, I am reminded of each bruise or cut she had obtained, the trauma done to her body. She must've been so scared; in such agonizing pain.

All I did was sit there on the phone, listening to her try to speak her last words as she lost consciousness. She was alone and suffering, and I wasna there to protect her. 

“I’m so sorry.” I whispered, kissing her hand and placing the back of her hand on my cheek. Trying to remember the last time I felt her touch. I whispered into her palm, “I can bear pain myself Sassenach, but I canna bear yours.”

Each day and night I replayed those last moments again and again in my head. Wishing I could change the outcome. I couldn’t sleep, fearing if I left her side for one moment, something would change.

The nurse reminded, “Mr. Fraser, it’s time for a bath. Would you like to do it again?” 

“Yes, thank ye.” 

I pulled the blanket down to her feet and gently rolled Claire to her side, as the nurse slid towels under her body. 

The nurse placed a basin full of warm water on the left-hand side table next to her bed. 

Leaving the room for a quick moment she returned with more supplies, “Here are extra towels, a sponge, soap, and a brush. Let me know if you need anything else.”

She pulled the curtain to give us privacy and shut the door.

Taking a deep breath, I remove the thin hospital gown making sure I didn't disturb the badges the doctor had replaced earlier. 

Wetting the small towel, I dab around her face first. Gently working my way around the incubated tube taped to her mouth. The swelling in her eye had decreased, yet yellowing shadowy bruises still were on her face. 

Moving on, I carefully cleaned her neck and began working my way down her body. Cleaning each inch of her skin, I am reminded of every single injury she suffered. 

When I was done, I removed the towels from underneath her and put clean underwear and a clean new hospital gown on her. Throwing the towels into the linen bin in the right corner, I resumed my spot next to her bed. Leaning back in the chair, I let exhaustion and the beeping of the monitors carry me away into a deep slumber. 

_Small warm hands came around my waist and traveled their way up to my chest. I could feel the outline of her breasts pressed against my back._

_“Oh, hello Sassenach.”_

_Wiping my hands with the dish towel and placing it on the counter._

_“You’re warm. You’re always so bloody warm.” she says muffled behind me with her face against my back._

_I chuckle and lift my arms as she ducked under to snuggle into my side. I draw her closer and place a kiss on her forehead._

_“The lad’s finally asleep?”_

_“Yes, he's asleep for now.” Fourth month old, Alex had a terrible crying fit, running a fever with a stuffy nose._

_“Poor laddie has a cold aye?” I ask for confirmation._

_Sighing, she looked up at me and nodded. Staring at her bonny face, her eyes were light and translucent with hints of light brown specks in her whisky colored iris’. Hair a mess of curls in a half up half down ponytail, the brown in her hair a beautiful contrast against her porcelain skin._

_Her skin felt silky as I rubbed my hand up and down her arm. Perfect pink lips that were begging to be kissed._

_“Let’s go to bed,” I suggest before my lips meet hers._

_“To bed or to sleep?” she jokes leaning back looking up at me, raising her eyebrows. Holding in a laugh and shaking my head I grab her hand._

_Turning to look at her over my shoulder, with the biggest smirk across my face, “Come– let me give ye another wee laddie to keep ye up all night? Aye.”_

_“Oh no you don’t Jamie Fraser. If you do, I will kill you,” she said shaking her head, giving me that look trying to pull her hand out of mine._

_“Och, dinna fash” I reply nonchalantly grabbing hold of her other hand and gently pulling her towards me._

_Bringing my mouth to kiss her neck, the spot where her pulse was fast and throbbing._

_I rubbed my nose on her neck, the spot where I knew she was a wee bit ticklish._

_“I mean it,” she says, trying to hold in a laugh._

_“Aye. Let’s go to bed Sassenach” I pipe up confidently, picking her up and throwing her over my shoulder._

“Mr. Fraser?”

_“Put me down,” she says through a giggle. Giving her bum a squeeze she squeals. “James Fraser, put me down,” she laughs as we ascend the stairs._

“Mr. Fraser?”

Snapping my head up, squeezing my eyes and opening them to focus on the voice who had pulled me from my dream. 

“Mr. Fraser, sorry to disturb you but we need to take your wife for some imaging.” 

Blinking a few more times, I nod. Running a hand over my face. 

“We should be back in about 40 minutes.” The nurse informed me. 

Hours turned into days; days turned into weeks. Four weeks after the accident, Claire still had not woken up. It was getting harder and harder to sit next to her hospital bed and see no change. Many of her external wounds had healed and the doctor assured me some of the internal ones had as well. 

A routine was established. I sat next to her all day, some days I would give her a sponge bath, talk to the doctors each day they did their rounds. I only saw Alexander a few times a week. Jenny brought him to the hospital and we’d have lunch outside in the dinner area. 

Each time he saw me, Alex jumped out of his aunt’s arms to lunge himself at me. I’d kiss his warm cheeks as he snuggled into me. 

“How are ye, brathair? Claire?” 

“No change.” I informed her. With Alex in my lap stuffing his favorite toy keys into his mouth. It was a nice day outside, a chill breeze in the air.

“Have the doctors told ye anything? When she will wake up?”

I shake my head, placing a kiss on Alex’s forehead. 

“Well, ye look awful. Ye need to shave and shower. Ye need sleep” 

“Jenny, I'm fine–” I cut her off. 

Giving me a stern look she began, “You're not fine. Here take my car with Alex’s seat is in it. Ye need to go home; even just for a few hours. Claire willna want you neglecting to take care of yourself and him. Go shave, shower, and play with yer son. I will sit with her. Here,” she stuck her arm out and dangled the keys in front of me, “ye have no choice.” 

I looked up at her. Jaw tense and nostrils flaring from her sheer audacity. She was right. Damn her. 

“Only for a couple of hours,” I say strongly. 

As soon as I got home, I took Alex out of the car and laid him in his cot. He had fallen asleep on the car ride home. 

Our home felt so empty. The love and warmth no longer filling the air. It was because she was not here. My Sassenach, my home. 

Choking back emotions, I showered and shaved. Focused on cleaning myself up so I could head back to the hospital. It made me feel anxious that I wasn't sitting next to her. I needed to be there at all times, to protect her. 

Alex slept for about an hour before I heard him wailing in his nursery. 

“Ifrinn,” I curse, fumbling to fasten the wee snaps on Alex’s onesie. 

I had been trying to get him changed and settle him when he woke up crying after a nap; nothing I did seemed to calm him down. 

A bottle. His teething ring. A toy. The oral gel. Out of all the things I tried to give to him, I knew I couldn't provide him what he truly desired. _His mother._

I picked him up from the changing table and slumped into the rocking chair. Rocking him back and forth, with him screeching in my ear. 

“Please laddie, give yer poor Da a break,” I pleaded. The tears were falling down my cheeks before I was aware that I was crying myself. 

“I miss her too,” I whispered into his ear. 

Seizing his wailing, he sniffed and rubbed his eyes with his arm. Blinking a few times, he stared at me with a concentrated look that was a reflection of Claire. He put his hand on my mouth and I pretended like I was going to eat his fingers. Letting out a guttural baby laugh, I do it again and he laughs more. Blinking away the tears, we both found solace in each other. 

I sat Alex on his little play mat in the corner of his nursery and sat across from him. He was getting so big, sitting up by himself, holding his own bottle, crawling, it won’t be long now till he would start walking. 

She would be so hurt to see him growing up without her. She loves him more than the world itself. We both do.

I grabbed one of his favorite toys and shook it in front of him. He got excited and quickly crawled towards me to grab it. The toy was a little ball that had wee lights and buttons that made noises. I pressed the blue bear button and it lit up. His eyes going big, he made an effort to crawl faster. 

With his unbuttoned onesie on he finally reached me, making sounds and noises getting the toy. I give it to him and he sits on his bottom, getting excited as the ball lit up and made sounds. It warmed my heart to see him so happy and smile, bairns are completely ignorant and innocent, unaware of the real world. His innocence was comforting, it wrapped around me like a blanket. 

_This is what she would want, for him to be happy._

He shook the ball at me and I grabbed it and rolled it a few feet away from me. While Alex crawled after the toy, I heard my phone ringing. 

Grabbing my phone from my pocket, I read the caller ID. _Jenny._

“Hello. Now before you say anything, yes you were right. I needed to clean myself up and spend time with him, I already feel a wee bit better. He’s gotten so big I have miss–” 

“Jamie...” she began. 

“Do not say I told ye so, I already admitted ye were right. Aye.”

“Jamie for heaven's sake, shut yer trap for a few seconds. Come back to the hospital, she’s awake. Claire’s awake!!!” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 3 coming very soon! Thanks for reading!


	3. Scattered Pieces of Us

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jamie is overjoyed and relieved now that Claire is awake but he is in for a shock.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here is another chapter! Thank you to my betas for restoring my confidence and fixing my rough grammar. I hope you enjoy!

**_Jamie’s POV_ **

I arrived at the hospital, my mind racing as I made my way to the elevator with Alex in my arms. His eyes were roaming, staring with wonder at everything around us.

Once the elevator reached the floor, to her hospital room, I slowly stepped off. Turning the corner, I saw Jenny sitting outside a few feet from the door. 

Rushing towards her, I quickly ramble, “She’s awake? Is she talking? Did she say anything? Did ye explain to her where I was?” 

My heart was beating fast, excitement and relief bombarding me.  _ My Sassenach  _ had finally come back to me. 

Jenny said in a low tone, “Jamie, slow down. She’s a bit disoriented and—"

“Of course she is, she’s been unconscious for weeks now. Come Alex, let’s go see yer Ma mhmm?” I continued, as I rubbed my hand on Alex’s back, and kissed his forehead. Alex's eyes light up at the mention of Claire, warming my heart at the idea of reuniting mother and son. 

I reach for the door handle and Jenny stops me. She pulls my arm, distancing us from the hospital door. 

“I think the bairn would be too much for her, right now. She’s just woken up, give him here.” 

I frowned at her, “What?” 

_ There’s something she’s not telling me, I thought to myself.  _

I took a moment to contemplate the situation; Claire would surely want to see Alex, see that he was healthy and taken care of. 

Jenny rebuttals, “Ye ken i’m right, tis too much right now. She’s not fully herself yet. Come.” 

Hesitantly, I hand Alex to her and take a deep breath, giving her a weak smile. 

Maybe Jenny was right, if Alex started to cry or fuss Claire would try to grab him and comfort him. And I knew she was not physically capable of that right now no matter how willing.

“Take a breath and slow down. Dinna forget she’s been sleeping for weeks, imagine what that does to yer mind, aye?” She advises. 

Giving her a nod, I wipe my sweaty hands on my jeans and attempt to calm myself. I could see Claire through the door window, staring out the hospital window. 

I pushed the door handle open, and stepped inside the room.

Holding back tears, I smile and choke out, “Hi Sassenach.” 

Turning to look up at me, she faintly responds, “Hello.” She sounded so small. Weak. Hesitant.

Lying on the hospital bed that was slightly angled up. The swelling in her eye had gone down. Her iris was now surrounded by a dark red, from the burst blood vessels. Her hair was down, curls free from their bondage.  _ Mo nighean donn _ , I thought to myself. Her bonny face was visible, bruises no longer apparent, besides the scar, across the right side of her forehead. 

The bruises along her right arm had faded; on her left arm, she had a vertical scar that ran right through the center of her upper arm with her forearm in a splint. Dr. Stewart explained to me, although he had to set her broken arm, he didn’t put a cast on it because of the sutures that were required. 

Last week when I was giving her a sponge bath, I realized her external wounds and bruises had faded. 

I propel myself forward and sit down in the wooden chair next to her. I smiled at her gently, holding back emotions I was feeling. I needed to be strong for her. She needs me right now. 

Swallowing my tears, “How are ye feeling?” 

I reach out and take her hand in mine. 

“Tired, sore, and confused. What happened to me, Jamie? They haven't told me anything and I don’t remember anything.” she asks innocently, her voice slightly hoarse from its lack of use. 

Of course she didn't remember what had happened, she’s experienced so much trauma. She had been through hell and back.

_ Something in the way she said my name; it sounded different.  _

Shaking the thought from my mind, I explain, “Ye were in a terrible car accident, Sassenach.” 

“I’m so thankful yer alive. Whole. I thought I'd lost ye, Claire. I–” I tried to continue, but my shaky voice cut me short. Tears welling in my eyes at the thought of a life without her.

She questioned, “I almost died?”

I nodded slowly. It was all I could manage.

“I’ve missed ye, we both have.” I said, giving her hand, a slight squeeze. 

Blinking away tears, she looked confused and taken aback by this information. 

I lean in to kiss her, just when my lips were inches from her face, she pulled back from me. My lips brushing against her cheek. 

I frown, confused. My touch usually calms her when she’s upset or feeling anxious. She’s my calm center and I hers.

“Jamie?” she questions, withdrawing from me. The malice I suddenly felt was a blow to my wame.

Then, I saw it. Fear and confusion splashed across her face. 

I stuttered, “Sassenach, I--”

I clear my throat. “Sorry, I dinna mean to scare ye, I was just trying to comfort ye, mo chridhe.” I explain, gently placing my hand on top of hers again. 

Staring intently into her eyes, I realized she wasn’t quite herself. 

“I’m sorry, I know you were just trying to comfort me, it all feels so foreign and strange. Waking up here and not remembering how exactly I got here. And—And you telling me I almost died,” she explains staring at our hands in her lap, emotion caught in her voice.

She tried to clear her throat, but began coughing with tears in her eyes. 

I reach over and grab the cup with a straw on the eating tray. Pouring some water into the cup and holding the straw up to her mouth. She took a sip and coughed a few more times before her throat was clear. 

“Are ye alright, do ye feel like you're going to be sick or..” I began to be troubled by her reaction. “Do ye want me to call for the nurse?”

“I’m alright. Now, can you please tell me more about what's happened. You said a few weeks ago I was in an accident.” 

“Aye.” I answer. 

Furrowing her eyebrows, she looked up at me,“Have I been unconscious since the accident? Exactly how long ago?” 

I could see her chest beginning to rise and fall at a quickening rate. 

“Four weeks. Ye were unconscious...comatose for four weeks,” I responded as gently as I could. 

The faint beep of the heart monitor sped up. Her pulse shot up and was now racing.

I say soothingly, “Claire, I need ye to breathe, look at me.” 

Ignoring my efforts to calm her down, she quickly replies, “And today’s date?” 

I stare at her for a moment, wondering if I should tell her today’s date. The look in her eyes was still troubling me. 

The way she withdrew from my attempts to kiss her. The way she’d said my name and interacted with me.  _ Something was not right with her.  _

“Today is the 15th of January.” “2020,” I continued.

Her eyes grow wide and she starts to shake her head in denial. Breathing increasing in pace, the monitor beeping picks up speed. 

_ Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep.  _

“No, Jamie you're mistaken, it's not 2020. Tell me the truth,” she denies. Tears freely pouring from her eyes. 

“I must have been unconscious for nearly two years,” she continued. But now her shakey words were turning to sobs. “Oh god, what's happened to me? Jamie, tell me the truth, you never lie to me, i’m your friend. Please.”

_Her... friend?_ _Two years?_

I was terrified by her reaction. She was not making sense and beginning to sound incoherent. 

I swallow, “Sassenach...I'm not lying to ye, I swear. I need ye to calm down. Look at me I am here--” I use my left hand to reach and caress her face. She withdraws from me again. 

Tears falling in synchronization out of her eyes. 

“I don’t know. I remember--” she stopped short.

I looked at the monitor, as it beeped faster and faster. 

_ Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep.  _

“Claire, look at me. It's alright, mo nighean donn.” I assuaged. “I need ye to take a deep breath in and out. Aye. It's okay.” 

I rubbed my thumb on the back of her hand, trying to calm her the best way I can without pulling her into my arms. The thought of her being afraid of me was too much to bear, especially when she needs me. 

She began to hyperventilate, the monitor beeping at a rapid pace. 

_ Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep.  _

Panic setting in me, “Claire please.”

_ Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep.  _

Breathing quickly, more tears freely leaving her eyes. 

_ Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep.  _

The nurse came in, the monitor must’ve set off an alarm, “Mr. Fraser, I need you to step outside please.” 

“No I canna leave her. I willna leave her.”

“Mr. Fraser please, we will take care of her. Please step outside. I’m asking you to trust us” the nurse assured me. 

Another nurse along with Dr. Stewart came through the door, the nurse placing an oxygen mask on Claire. 

I could faintly hear echoes of her muffled sobs, as I leave the room. 

Placing my hands above my head, my back against the wall. This was my fault. I should not have told her everything. I should have been more gentle and careful. If something happens I will never forgive myself. 

I close my eyes and say a quick prayer. 

_ God, please heal her body and mind. Please Lord, I beg.  _

Moments later, Dr. Stewart stepped outside the room to tell me what happened.

“Mr. Fraser, her vitals have normalized after we administered a mild sedative to her.”

“Ye put her back to sleep? She’s been asleep for weeks. Why in god's name would ye do such a thing” I said rather loudly, trying to keep my composure. 

“Mr. Fraser, we gave her a mild sedative to calm her down. Her vitals shot through the roof. Do not worry she will come to, very soon”

I panicked at the thought of her being comatose and unconscious, “What if she doesna wake up again? Did ye think of that.”

Dr. Stewart confidently piped up, “She will.” 

I had just gotten her back; she might not be herself but somewhere in there I knew she was still my Sassenach. 

“Will she be alright? Please dinna tell me she’s sick or she has another brain bleed, that’s what ye called it. Ye said the brain bleed she did have was healing.” I questioned.

“No signs of another brain hemorrhage are present. She’s strong, she just got overworked up, which is understandable given what she has experienced.” 

“If her brain bleed is healing, why cant she remember anything that's happened? Does she have amnesia?” 

Dr. Stewart explained, “Mr. Fraser, it's not that simple. Brain injuries are a delicate matter. It’s not uncommon for her to not recall the events surrounding her car accident. That was an extremely traumatic event, she almost died. We knew there would be some effect upon her memory due to the bleed being near her temporal lobe.”

I beg, “Ye need to heal her. Please.” 

“When the sedative wears off, we will take her to get more imaging done. Mr. Fraser I can assure you we will get your wife rehabilitated and help her work through retaining her memory. This will not be a quick and easy process. But, we will get her feeling better.” giving me an apologetic look he walks away. 

After the nurse instructed I was allowed back into the room, I went and sat down next to her. 

As I waited for the sedative to wear off, I thought back to our conversation. She mentioned she must've been asleep longer, something about two years. 

_ Two years would be back in 2018. Had she thought it was 2018? Is that why she was pulling away from me.  _

Placing my elbows on my knees and my face in my hands.

If she thought it was 2018, then she has no recollection of the life we have. We got married in 2019, our son was born in 2019. Does this mean she doesna ken me as her husband? 

  
  


**_Claire’s POV_ **

My head was spinning. Swirling around and around as I peel my eyes open. 

Squinting as my eyes adjust to the bright lights. I look around the room, taking a deep breath. My senses felt relaxed; calming almost. 

However, my body did not feel like my own. I had pain and scars from an accident I couldn't even remember. 

Gazing from my left to my right, there he was sitting in a chair next to me with my hand in his. Hunched over, he had his head down. 

I gave his hand a light squeeze. He whipped his head up, exhaustion and emotion all over his face. 

I didn't recognize the sadness and sorrow in his eyes; its so unfamiliar and troubled me. 

He wasn’t the always smirking and joyful man I once knew. He was older, unrecognizable but still had a gleam of the tenderness and kindness I grew to love.

My eyes began to water as I stared at him. 

“I’m scared. I don’t remember anything.” I choke. 

“Sassenach, it's alright. I promise I will take care of ye. I know yer lost and dinna ken what's happened to ye, but ye need not be scairt of me or anyone here so long as i’m with ye.”

I smile weakly at him. He’d always been my protector and extremely caring. One of the many reasons why I am so grateful to have him as my best friend.. 

“Did the doctors tell you why I don't remember anything?” 

“They said it’s because of the brain injury you received from the accident. But, we didna have to talk about that now.” 

“No, Jamie I want to. I need to talk about it. The idea of time and events are jumbled in my mind. I don't know when or where certain events go. It's like I am lost inside myself.” 

He held my hand tighter, urging me to go on. 

“I just want to at least understand when the accident happened, please.” I begged. 

A tingling dry feeling rises in my throat causing me to cough. 

“I will help ye but ye promise me ye willna get yourself worked up again?” 

I nod. 

He exhaled, “Let's start at what is the last thing ye do remember.”

I close my eyes and try to concentrate, “The last thing I remember is... last week, when we all got together for John’s birthday. I do remember you trying to get me to try this new whisky you found.” 

Coughing clearing my throat again. 

He furrowed his eyebrows and gave me a peculiar look. 

“Sassenach, what year is it?” 

I say confidently, “2018, right?” 

He was horrified. The look in his eyes, I had shattered him. Shattered his heart without fully realizing how I had done so. 

He swallowed his emotion. 

With his jaw tense, and tears in his eyes, he hesitantly asked me, “Claire. Who am I to you?” 

What an absurd question to ask. Why would he ask me that? 

“Jamie Fraser. My best childhood friend of course.” 

His deep blue eyes blurred by the tears, and in that moment, I heard his heart break. It was a small, clean sound, like the snapping of a flower's stem. 

The frown on his face dropped and he just stared at me. Not saying a word. 

“Yer friend” he faintly whispers, with a single tear escaping from his eye. 


	4. Try Sleeping With A Broken Heart

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Claire adjusts to a world she doesn't recognize, while Jamie tries to figure out ways to spark her memory.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have so much planned for this fic, I cannot wait to give you all more! Thanks to my betas! And thank you for reading and I hope you enjoy!

A week ago, Claire woke up and came back to me. Well, at least I thought she did. 

After finding out she does not recollect anything from the life we have, I was devastated. 

Do ye know how difficult it is to look at someone who is yer entire world, yer _everything_ , in the eyes and not see the reflection of yer love? 

“From what you told me, it appears she is showing signs of retrograde amnesia. This type of amnesia is when a person cannot recall events from the past. We need to focus on the events that led up to her accident,” Dr. Stewart explains. 

“Retrograde amnesia, tell me more about this. She will have issues remembering events from the past?” I question, trying to understand. 

Giving him a quizzical look, he clarifies, “Essentially, she will have difficulty remembering events from her life, personal experiences and specific objects, people and events experienced at particular time and place. Mr. Fraser, with your care, I feel her memory will return as she heals.”

I desperately ask, “What can I do? How can I help her to remember?” 

“Well, continue to tread lightly as she acclimates to dealing with it all. Finding ways to spark her memory, photographs and stories can be extremely helpful. She's a strong woman, she will recover. Give it time.”

Giving me an apologetic look, he shakes my hand and walks away. 

Her words, _“Jamie Fraser. My best childhood friend of course,”_ hit me like a truck and was replaying on a loop in my head. 

Shortly after finding out she didn't remember anything from the past two years, I swallowed my pain and emotions and told her the truth about our relationship. 

At first, she found the idea of us being married difficult to say the least. 

“How long? When?” 

Clearing my throat, I inform her, “Over a year ago we wed– after we dated for a time.” 

“We’re we happy? Before my accident?” she asked with a soft voice. 

“Aye. We were, verra happy,” I said, pushing my tears away. 

“I feel like I am living in the twilight zone. A man I recognized as a friend is actually my husband now; It’s almost as if I time traveled to my future life, with no recollection of how I got here," she responded to the news.

Silence passed between us as we both were reeling from the circumstances we found ourselves in. Her not having any recollection of our life and me dealing with the heartbreak and pain. 

Shaking her head, tears leaking from the corners of her eyes, “This is all…” 

“I dinna ken how hard this must be for ye, but if ye let me I am here. I know ye dinna ken me as yer husband but ye still do ken me as yer friend aye?” I say reassuringly. 

She nodded. 

“As yer mind and body heal, I will be here, as yer friend if ye need. A friend who will take care of ye.” 

“I would like that very much.” 

She puts out her hand, extending it for me to take. 

“Jamie? Can I ask you to do something for me?”

“Anything.” I smile and kiss the back of her hand. 

“I cant handle all of it right now. But, I do want you to tell me about our life. Please. Maybe it will help my mind to remember.” 

And so that's how it began.

Slowly each day I gave her small amounts of details into our relationship, our home, our life. I started at the beginning; giving her small details when we first decided to date. 

Day by day, I told her stories of the events that had taken place in our lives. The ways in which we fit together and the road to us becoming one. 

At first she found it difficult to contemplate our relationship together, but eventually she became enthralled by the life we built. 

Although her memory was yet to return, she was healing well. She had occupational therapy daily and was becoming more and more independent doing the basic everyday tasks for herself. 

Pushing me away every time I jumped up to help her when she tried to get out of bed, or needed to walk to the lavatory. Being my strong fierce Claire. 

“Based on the recent scans she’s healing nicely, she's incredibly strong. In a couple of days you will be able to take her home Mr. Fraser.” 

“Really I can take her home soon?” I replied.

Dr. Stewart gave me a nod with a smile, “I know her memory is yet to return, however I believe bringing her home and establishing a familiar routine would be extremely beneficial for her.”

I nodded nervously. That’s all I wanted was for her to remember. 

“I will let you tell her the good news. She’ll be back from therapy soon, please let me know if you have any questions.”

Feeling ecstatic at the news. Finally, I would be able to take her home. I felt confident that getting her home, to a familiar place, would surely spark her memory, bringing a flood of memories rushing back. 

I began mentally planning everything that comes along with her coming home. _Where would she want to sleep? How would she occupy her time as she adjusts to it all? Where would I sleep? Surely she wouldn't want to sleep next to me or in the same room, seeing as she dinna ken me in that way._

My mind raced with different scenarios and arrangements, then it dawned on me. 

_Alexander._

I had not told her about him yet. Fearing it would upset her. Other than her finding out we are married, he would be the second biggest aspect of our new lives that I hadn’t disclosed to her. 

I needed to figure this out. How exactly was I going to tell her? Will she not react well to it? 

My mind was a jumble of so many emotions I did not fully know how to deal with it all. I felt heart broken, hopeful, angry, and so much more. 

I needed to get a grip. I needed a plan. 

“Jenny, Dr. Stewart just told me, I can bring Claire home in a few days.” 

“That's great. When are ye taking her home? I was thinking maybe inviting some of yer old friends over and having a small welcome home gathering.”

“I dinna think that’s wise. See there is a problem. I havena told her about Alexander.” 

“What do ye mean ye havena told her? Ye told me she kens the truth of what’s happened. I dinna understand, explain.”

“I’m a coward. I was too afraid she’d react badly to it. To ken ye have a husband is one thing, but ye ken how hard it would be to have a child and not remember their existence.”

“Jamie, ye need to get over it and tell her. The sooner the better. She will be angry if ye wait until ye got home and she sees the photos. Tell her today.” 

Like clockwork, I heard Alex in the background beginning to howl. 

“How is he? I miss him so much.” 

I could hear her getting closer to him as his wailing grew in volume. 

“He’s been a good laddie as of late. Sleeping more, thank heaven. I should feed him, James Fraser tell yer wife the truth,” she says quickly before hanging up. 

Placing my phone on the bedside table, I rub my hand across my face. 

Not long after my conversation with Jenny, Claire came back from therapy. 

“Good afternoon Mr. Fraser. How are you today?” 

The occupational therapist greeted me, wheeling Claire back to the room. 

“Good. how did things go today? Did she listen to anything ye asked her to do?” I joke looking down my eyes at her. 

She gave me a look.

The therapist chuckled, “Yes and no. More than she has in recent days, but making so much progress. Did you have a discussion with Dr. Stewart? I assume he told you the good news.” 

Both she and I help get Claire up and into bed. 

She turned to look at me, “What good news?” 

“I’ll let you tell her. I will see you both tomorrow morning for our next session. Get some rest tonight, please.” 

“Thank ye.”

“Well, Sassenach.”

She was tired but alert and listening. A faint smile appeared on her face urging me to continue.

“Ye get to go home in a couple days.”

“Really? I get to go home?” She replied, with a hint of disappointment in her voice. 

“What's the matter? I thought ye’d be happy to be leaving this place. I know how much ye hate for the nurses and doctors to tell ye what to do.”

She gave me a look, “Ha bloody ha. It's just, you and I have different ideas of what home is. I know you have been telling bits and pieces of our life but it's not the same as having a memory. I don't remember _our home_.”

With a reassuring smile I explain, “It’ll take some time to get used to. I know there are a lot of changes; fear and confusion roaming your mind daily but it will get better mo chridhe I promise.” 

Blinking the tears away she nods in agreement. 

“Now, what is the update on our lives your going to give me today.” 

I slightly chuckle at the playful tone in her voice. It reminded me of my Sassenach, _my Claire._

Taking a breath, I reply. “Claire there’s something I need to tell ye but ye must promise me. Ye wont get upset, I dinna want to scare ye. But ye must know.”

“I must know what? Jamie what is it?”

_Was now the right time? Maybe I should wait until tomorrow._

“Jamie, the suspense is scaring me, is it bad? What’s the matter?” 

_Just come out and say it. Tell her straight. Just say it._

“We have a…” I stutter, pausing for a moment to find the words.

“We have a son.”

“What?” she responded.

“Claire please stay calm, I was afraid of scaring ye. That’s why I havena said a thing about him. But, it's time ye must know.” 

She swallows a sob as tears roll down her face. She didn't say a thing just stared at me. Shock overcoming her. 

After a few moments she finally questioned, “Where is he now? How old is he? What's his name?” 

“His name is Alexander Brian Henry Fraser, he's 8 months and he’s with Jenny and Ian. They’ve been taking care of him while I am here. Sometimes during the week Jenny will bring him here or I go see him for a few hours.”

“So he’s a baby baby.”

I nod. 

“He’s been here in this hospital and you didn't tell me,” she said through clenched teeth. 

She was angry with me. Of course she was angry with me. Now she will think this is the way our marriage is, me keeping things from her claiming to protect her. I messed up. Lord please dinna let her stay angry, please. 

I apologized, “I’m sorry. I dinna want to hurt ye. I thought it would be too painful to know about him. I thought it would be too much for ye. I promise I planned on telling ye, at the right time. I was wrong. I’m sorry.” 

Tears fell one by one, from her eyes. 

“You should have told me,” she faintly said. 

“I know. Would ye like to see a photo of him?” I gently inquire.

She was looking down at her hands contemplating, tears still freely falling; soaking the blanket she had covering her. 

“Yes,” she responds softly.

I pull out my phone and scroll to my favorite photos of him. The first picture I showed her is a photo of him in his cot after he was born. He was asleep with his mouth slightly ajar. Peach fuzzy hair atop his wee head. 

“It was a rough birth, he decided he wanted to come out feet first. Breech. Not to mention he was such a heavy lad, almost 4.5 kg. But, you did it, and both of ye survived and were healthy.”

She lets out a laugh that was mixed with a sob, “Of course, a child of ours would have you hair and be your twin.” 

“Aye, he’s a bonny laddie and clever too, like his Mam.”

Quickly looking up at me, reeling from being called someone’s mother. 

Next, I swipe to the photo of him and her, it was a candid shot of her rocking him in his nursery. With his elephant onesie on he was peacefully sleeping in her arms body limp but snuggling close to his Ma. she looked so peaceful and natural. One of my favorite photos of the two beings I love most in this world. 

She reached out to touch the phone. Tears pouring out of her like a cataract of water over a broken dam. 

The next photo is of all of us at the zoo. A 7 month old Alex in his mother's arms on her hip, clapping and smiling at her, with me on Claire’s other side, smiling at him with my arm around them both. 

He was wearing khaki overalls with a basic white tee underneath, his wee trainers on and a cargo hat to block out the sun. Claire had her hair pulled up into a ponytail, with a fitted grey tee and jean shorts on, she was bonny. 

“That trip to the zoo started out rough but turned into a beautiful day for us. Alex was crying for the first 20 minutes we were there. But ye were able to get him settled. He began exploring his surroundings, staring intently at all the different creatures and animals we saw. When we went to see the monkeys, he kept laughing when they swung to different trees. I think I have it on video, do ye want to see?” 

With a slight smile she nods. 

Coming closer to her, sitting on the edge of the hospital, I show her the video I had, the monkeys swinging from different trees and Alex laughing so hard he’s practically wheezing and throwing his head back. Gums on display, with two wee teeth pushing their way through the top front of his gums. Claire was holding him, the biggest smile on her face staring at him laughing. 

And then she slowly went to pieces in my arms. Holding onto her, I whisper calming words.

“I’m sorry I can't be her. I wish I knew how, remembered how, to be that woman. Yer wife, his mother.” she sobbed.

I say to her softly, “Shhh, mo chridhe. Dinna fash, it’ll be alright.” 

“I want to see more of him, please show me more pictures,” she gently pushed from out of my arms, sniffing and wiping her face. 

“Perhaps, that’s enough for today. Ye need some rest.”

“Jamie.”

Giving in to her, like I always do, “Alright a few more, then ye need some sleep.” 

I showed her two more photos of Alex, before she fell asleep. 

Staring at her calming sleeping face, I let tears of my own fall. 

**_*Three days later*_ **

“This is it?” she asked, staring nervously out the window.

“Yes,” I responded, putting the car in park. 

She continued to stare at our home. Her hair was pulled back into a bun, a few rebellious curls breaking free along her neck and in the front, outlining her bonny face.

Wearing a pair of black joggers, with a grey jumper on, she looked thinner. Her clothes were loose on her and not form fitting, she’d lost so much weight over the past month. Her bruises had long faded, the physical ones atleast. The emotional and mental bruises still prominent. 

I got out of the car and came to her side. Opening the door I bent down to help her out; my hands on her waist getting her on her feet. 

She leaned against the car and continued to stare at the house.

“Sassenach, ye alright? Come, let’s go inside.” 

She didn’t respond to me. She kept her eyes on the house, it was like she was transfixed. 

“Sassenach...Claire,” I pipe up trying to get her attention.

Another moment, before she turned to look at me. Her eyes were watering, reflecting her inner turmoil and fear.

I give her a reassuring smile, “Come, here let me help ye.” 

She hesitated at first, before leaning into me and slowly walk to the door. 

“Wait,” she says abruptly.

“What’s wrong?” I quickly respond.

“Is...is anyone here? I mean home, your sister here with Alexander?” She questions looking around, trying to spot any cars parked near our home. 

A tiny part of my heart broke, hearing her say our son’s name, with such uncertainty. 

“Dinna fash, Alex is with Jenny and Ian; no one’s here but ye and I,” I reassure her.

I put the key in the door and open it. She takes a deep breath before she enters. 

Taking it all in, she walks through the corridor looking around at every single item our home possessed. 

The pads of her finger tips ran over all of the coats that were hanging near the door. 

She dinna ken this but I left everything just like it was. Like it was that day she had the accident. 

The hall near the front door, led to the kitchen, which was to the left. Eyes roaming around. The look on her face, reminded me of Alex. 

After giving the kitchen a visual inspection, she slowly made her way into the living room and she froze. 

I could see her studying every square inch of the furniture and the walls. The walls in our living room, lined to photographs on every square inch just about. 

Staring at the side of her head, I could see her eyes watering. She took one step forward, then another and began exploring our living room. Pictures of our lives, telling the story of the love and happiness we share. 

She took her time, staring at each and every picture, inspecting all aspects of it before moving on to another.

“Look at him, he’s beautiful,” she began, staring at a photo of Alexander smiling at the camera. He was wearing little grey pants to match the suspenders and bow tie, with a striped shirt, he was adorable with his unruly curls that matched my own. 

“Aye, that’s our wee laddie,” I say proudly. 

“He looks so much like you,” she said softly, analyzing the photo.

I could feel her getting anxious, seeing all this must be overwhelming.

“He’s a sweet laddie when he wants to be for his Mam, always, but not so much for his Da,” I jokingly say.

“Our wedding?” She asks, staring at our special day.

I nod. The photograph was taken during our first dance. Her face on my chest, eyes closed with a tranquil look upon her. Our hands joined and brought up between us as we swayed to the beautiful words.

She wore a beautiful silk white dress that was long and fit her just right. After we took a thousand photos in our full wedding regalia, she changed into that stunning dress before our reception began. 

The dress illuminated her beautifully. It went across one shoulder like a sash across her breast, gathering at her side and extending to create a train. She looked like a goddess. So angelic. Perfect. 

“This was our first dance,” I reply. She ran her finger tips over the photo that hung on the wall opposite the television. 

“We look happy,” she said so faintly I couldn't almost make out the words. 

I came closer to her, standing by her side. 

“We were verra happy. Verra happy indeed Sassenach,” I whispered, turning and looking at her. 

She turned to look at me, a slight smile on her tear-stained face. The image of her simply being in our home again, took my breath away. I felt a strong surge to hold her, but stopped myself. 

_All I wanted to do was hold her, love her._

I took a risk and extended my hand out to her, giving her a small smile. Hoping and praying she wouldn’t deny me. 

She looked at it for a moment, but ended up reluctantly taking it. 

I gently place my hand on her right hip with my other hand holding onto hers. She had one hand on my shoulder, she looked up at me, slightly blushing as we begin to sway, dancing to our own rhythm.

I enlightened her. “I was so nervous to dance wi’ ye in front of all of our friends and family. Ye know I never had an ear for music, still dinna.”

She chuckles slightly, “Good to know some things never change.” 

“Ye will tell me if yer in pain or i’m hurting you?” I probe, thinking of her healing wounds. 

“I’m alright. I have you to hold onto. Tell me more about this special day of ours.”

I couldn’t help but grin at her comment. 

“It was perfect, the best day of my life. The wedding was a small occasion but plenty of our family and friends attended. Ye were breathtaking walking down the aisle. After that day I knew, making ye my wife was the best thing I’ve ever done in my life.” 

Staring intently into her whisky colored eyes, I was so drawn to her. Holding myself back from kissing her, reminding myself, she is not ready for that. Does not remember that. 

We continue to sway as our bodies inch closer to one another, like two magnets gravitating towards each other. 

I spin her slowly, and when I pull her back in, I see it. I see a flash of my Sassenach. My wife, in her eyes. 

I decided to continue, “while we danced, I looked into yer eyes and told ye--” 

“Told me, you would keep me upright. And you promise not to step on my feet,” she finishes my sentence. 

I freeze. Stunned and taken aback by what she had just said. Those were the exact words, what I had said to her. 

Her eyes, she was there, back. Hope filled me up inside, warming my limbs, my torso, my body. 

_Had she remembered? Did she really just finish my sentence?_

She laid her face on my chest, moving her hand from my shoulder, to around my torso. I pulled her into my arms, breathing her in. 

I let out an emotional laugh and gently looked at her. I continued, “And I kissed your forehead and told ye I would never let ye fall.” 

I paused waiting to see if she would give me more, remember more. 

Then she pulled back from me. Her smile slipped into a frown. Within a blink of an eye my wife was gone again. 

Looking down, she was searching for that place in her brain that held the contents of this important moment. 

“Claire?”

“I’m sorry Jamie, I—I don’t know what you're talking about. I’m sorry.” She wrapped her arms around herself. Closing her eyes, eyelashes wet. 

And just like that, my wife was gone once again. 

Clearing my throat, “Ye must be tired, do ye want me to show ye the guest room? I thought it might be best for ye to sleep in there.”

After getting her settled into the guest room. I walked back into the living room. 

My heart aching, pain shooting through it.

She remembered. For a single moment she had remembered. Sitting down on the sette, I let the pain and emotions from the past month or so pour out of me. 

I wiped my face and tried to pull myself together. 

If photographs triggered her memory for a single moment, then taking her to places we’ve been, could be another way to spark her memory. 

My mind began to roam with so many ideas. I felt slightly hopeful. This could potentially bring her back to me. 

Tomorrow I am going to start planning on helping my wife recover her lost memories. I thought to myself. 

But first I had to get through a night of sleeping with a broken heart. 


	5. Slow & Steady

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jamie plans for a lovely evening with Claire.

“How is she doing? Has she remembered anything?” Jenny asked bluntly. 

“She is doing alot better. No, for a second a few days ago I thought she did but she has not said anything since then.” 

I exhale, distracted with Alex in my lap. 

I opened my left hand to grab one of the star shaped puff snacks he loves. His little grubby hand took it quickly from me while his other hand tried to grab more. 

“Here Ruaidh.” I close my hand and hand him one more. 

“I was thinking…” I began. 

“That's a dangerous statement coming from you. But, go on.” 

Rolling my eyes at her, “Well, ye know I told ye what happened with the pictures. So I thought what if I take her to some old places we’ve been before or something of that sort, aye?” 

Alex anxiously tries to get my hand open to unveil more of the puffs. He looked up at me making noises to set his snacks free. I tickled his baby belly and handed him another snack. 

“For once, I will say I agree w’ ye. That is a good idea.” Jenny confirms. 

I nod. _That’s it._

“Aye, I know just the place we can go too.”

Feeling confident and hopeful, I spent a few more hours with Alex and began planning a special evening for Claire and I. 

“Jamie?” Claire called quietly, from the living room. I took off my jumper and hung it up, then made my way down the corridor. 

“Aye, it's me.” 

I walked into the living room and saw her curled up on the sette. Her legs were tucked under her, an old quilt wrapped around her. She was wearing shorts and an old black university shirt. I could tell she was asleep based upon the pillow sitting next to her and the state of her messy hair. 

I sat on the ottoman across from the small coffee table separating us. 

Claire had kept her distance since what happened a few days ago. She stayed in the guest room barely coming out of it. I knew I needed to do something to help her, she was lost in her own mind. Memories failing to come back, I need to spark them. 

She observed, “You’ve been gone for quite a while.” 

“Sorry, I ended up taking Alex for a walk. We both needed some fresh air and the weather was bonny today.” 

That was a small white lie, Alex and I ended up going to a few places to prepare for the evening I was planning for Claire. Now I just had to ask her if she would join me. 

“How is he?” she asks reluctantly, breaking me from my train of thought. 

“Growing. He was ready to fight w’ me today when I was not handing him his snacks fast enough.” 

I smile shaking my head. 

She gave me a little smile and yawned. 

“I looked through the first photo album you said I made of him. Almost all the pictures he was smiling or laughing. Such a happy baby.” 

I smile, feeling warmth ignite in my heart. 

Silence passes between us for a moment before I realize now was the time to ask her. 

“Claire, can I ask ye something? And please think seriously about it before ye answer.” I quickly say, not meeting her eyes. 

“Of course.”

“Will ye…” I started. 

Clearing my throat, I ramble, “Will ye come to dinner with me on Friday? I know ye might not want to really go out just yet but I know a quiet place we used to go and the food--” 

She cut me off, “Jamie.”

I look up at her, our eyes connecting. 

“Yes, I would love to go to dinner. I am starting to get rather bored sitting around here the majority of the day. It would be nice to leave and go out into the world.” 

My eyes lit up as soon as I heard the words ‘Yes’. 

“Great, it's a date then,” I say standing up. 

“And by date I mean dinner, just dinner not like an actual date...” I try to clarify, then cut myself off all together. _Stop talking before she changes her mind._

She smiles at me and nods. 

**_*Claire’s POV*_ **

I exhaled and stared at myself in the mirror. I had been trying to get my hair pinned up, but stray curls kept escaping. After jamming at least 4 more pins into my hair, I looked at it and decided it's good enough. Next, I put on a small amount of foundation, trying to ensure I cover the scar on my forehead. Then, I settled on the basics: liquid eyeliner, lipstick, highlight on my cheekbones, and some mascara to elongate my lashes. 

Earlier while Jamie was gone to see Alex, I went and looked through my side of the closet. I found a mid length black dress with sleeves that were lace. The sleeves were the perfect length, it covered the ugly scar I had on my arm. 

I knew walking in tall shoes would be particularly difficult, so I settled on a pair of strappy black shoes with a thick two inch heel. The straps on the shoes provided much needed support and matched the dress I was wearing perfectly.

Next, I needed to finish my look with jewelry. A pair of stud earrings, a silver Pandora bracelet with charms, and a small pendant necklace. Then, I stared at the ring and its band sitting on the bathroom sink. _My wedding ring._

_Should I wear it?_

Debating the entire situation in my head, I decided to slip it on my finger. I didn't want to hurt Jamie by not wearing it while we were together in public. It was the least I could do, even if I don't remember him ever giving it to me. 

Taking a deep breath, I felt I was finally ready. My hands were a bit shaky as nerves began to kick in. I said to myself _You can do this, it's just Jamie._

Even after combing through all the photo albums that were in the house, I still had no recollection of the past two years. I was beginning to lose hope that my memory would ever return. 

I made my way downstairs and into the kitchen. Placing my phone in my handbag, I call out “Jamie, I'm ready to go.” 

I stopped in my tracks as soon as I looked up. My heart skips a beat, as I stare gobsmacked. 

“Look at ye, ye look bonny.” he grinned, walking towards me. 

I smile awkwardly as I feel the heat in my cheeks begin to rise. 

He looked so...so handsome. I was taken aback at the man that stood before me. Yes, that's what it was. I could see a man and not the young guy he once was to me. 

His navy suit was perfectly tailored, fitting him nicely. He had a small silver watch on his right wrist that glimmered in the light. His curly auburn locks, brushed and styled finely. I suppressed the urge to run my fingers through it. 

“Sassenach? Ye ready to go?” 

Finding words particularly difficult, I nod my head slowly. 

He gave me a smirk and held out his hand. 

“So Mr. Fraser, where exactly are you taking me?” I ask as I put my seatbelt on. 

“You have to wait and see, ye will love it.” 

When we arrived at our destination, I began to feel butterflies in my stomach. Something about having dinner with your friend/future husband is quite nerve racking. _What if I dont act the way he remembers or I am not like her (his wife)?_

So many what if’s roaming in my mind. _Pull yourself together Beauchamp._

Jamie came around to my side of the car and opened my door. 

Scanning our surroundings, trying to find a hint of where we were, I realized there weren't many cars around. 

He shuts the car door and holds out his arm. I grab ahold of it and look at him; anxiousness must've been written all over my face because he assured me, “dinna fash, Sassenach.” 

I take a deep breath and nod. As we walked up a brick path, to a small restaurant that had seating on a paved patio. The lights dimmed, candles atop the tables. Various couples having intimate dinners. 

I clutched my handbag harder. _Why are you so anxious? Relax._

“Hello, Mr. Fraser so good to see you,” the host greeted us, “Right this way.” 

Jamie ran his thumb on the back of my hand. 

His light blue eyes stared intensely at me; his smell, intoxicating. 

We walked past quite a few open tables and I began to get confused at where exactly the host was leading us. 

To the right of the patio, there was a path that led to a gazebo. “Jamie–” I began as I realized where the host was leading us. 

“I figured a table away from other people, would be better,” he whispered to me. 

We made our way closer; I could see fairy lights hanging and wrapped around the entire structure with white roses wrapped around the posts.Once we stepped into the gazebo, I looked up and saw lanterns with lit candles hanging from the ceiling. A circular table sat in the center of the gazebo, with cutlery and empty wine glasses placed upon it. 

He smiled at me and pulled my chair out for me. I place my hands at the bottom of my dress to sit down. 

“Here are your menus. And your server will be with you shortly.” 

“Thank ye Rupert.”

_Apparently Jamie and the host were familiar with each other. Was I? I wondered to myself._

“Jamie, it's so beautiful.” I said breathless, staring at it all. 

“I’m glad ye like it. Alex, was a fan of the fairy lights when I was showing Rupert the ones I wanted to be hung. Never too early to show him how to treat a woman.” 

A big smile spread across my face, I couldn't help but giggle. 

“Hello, my name is Fergus and I will be your server this evening.” 

Fergus placed a basket of bread on the table. 

“Can I start you out with anything to drink? Wine perhaps?” 

Jamie looked at me, “sauvignon blanc?” 

I nod. 

"We would like a bottle of sauvignon blanc please.” 

“Coming right up.” 

A couple of minutes later Fergus came back, with a bottle of white wine and a bucket of ice. 

He delicately poured the wine into our glasses and placed it into the bucket. 

After Fergus took our orders, I grabbed the wine glass and took a sip. My taste buds tingled as I swallowed, my senses flooded as images flashed in my head. I felt a sense of _deja-vu_ like I had been here before, in this exact spot feeling the exact same emotions and doubts. 

“So, tell me about your day with Alex yesterday,” I inquired, looking for a distraction from my own mind. 

“Well…” he began. 

He animatedly told me of the adventures he had gone on with Alex. 

I loved when he talked about Alexander; the way his eyes lit up and a smile spread across his face.

“So, did he pick out just the lights or the flowers as well?” I jokingly ask. 

“Just the lights,” he chuckles. 

“He gets so transfixed when he sees bright lights or flashing lights. You used to assure me that it's completely normal for a bairn his age. But, white roses are bonny and remind me of ye, thats why I chose them.” 

Turning my head I looked at the post wrapped with the roses, “well, I do love white roses. They are my favorite.” 

“But of course you knew that already, didn't you?” 

He gave me a smirk and nodded. 

“I had Fergus find some fresh ones from the farmers market not too far from here actually. Here smell one of them.” 

He stood up and picked one of the roses from the vine. 

Handing it to me before he sat down, I placed it under my nose. Closing my eyes in sheer delight at the smell of the rose, an image of Jamie putting the rose up to my nose, flashed on my eyelids. I quickly snap my eyes open.

“They certainly are fresh.” I say quietly, letting the slightly damp petals linger near my nose.

I place the rose on the table to my right and take a few more sips of my wine. _Had I been here before?_

“More wine, Sassenach?” 

“Yes, please.” 

Before I knew it we both had finished two glasses of wine and began discussing our university days. Laughing and reminiscing about the people we used to date, the crazy things we did. 

“Do ye remember after you broke up with Frank, I came to visit you and we got drunk together. And you detailed the dates he took you on. If I recall correctly, on one of the dates, he took you to an old cinema to see a documentary that you said you found on netflix the next day.” 

Placing my hands on my face, “oh god, yes I remember that. Our entire relationship was a bore but he was nice at least...even though he took me on some of the worst dates of my life.” 

We began diving into our old memories of days when we were younger, days I remembered. It felt so good to talk about memories that I could recollect. It made me feel normal and my nerves began to dissipate.

The evening flew by, before I knew it we were finishing our dinner. 

"Would you like dessert?" Fergus asked, collecting our plates. 

I looked at Jamie and he smiled at me. 

"Sure, what would you recommend?" 

Fergus suggested, “Milady, I highly recommend the chocolate cake, it's divine if I may say so.”

“Well, that sounds delicious. Yes, Fergus. Thank you.” 

He slightly bowed to me and walked away.

Taking another sip of my wine, Jamie stood up and held out his hand. 

“Sassenach, may I have this dance?” He asked, then shifted his eyes to the man carrying a violin who was walking towards us. 

“You didn't?” I was shocked. 

Jamie looked at me and smiled, grasping my hand helping me get upright. I felt my cheeks begin to get warm. _Are you blushing right now at him? Who are you?_

We stepped out of the gazebo, the man bowed and brought the violin up to his chin. Getting the bow rested on the strings, he began to play a sweet melody. 

Jamie wrapped his arm around my waist, pulling me close to him. I could feel his breath on me as I leaned into him. I don't know if it was the wine or not but I felt drawn to him, like my body needed to be closer to his.

“This is all, too much. You didn't have to do all this. Why did you do it?” I said breathless, taken aback by the lengths he went to make tonight special. 

“Because my wife deserves the world,” he said seriously. His eyes full of a feeling I was unfamiliar with, igniting something in me I didn't recognize. 

My heart skipped a beat or two, as I felt his eyes on me. Intensity building up inside me as I stare into his ocean eyes, drowning in them.

“For a man who isn't exactly musical, you sure love to dance,” I jokingly say, trying to distract my mind from the impure thoughts I found myself having. 

“Aye, I do love to dance with one particular lass. She’s bonny, has brown curls and porcelain skin. Her favorite flower is a white rose.” 

The word ‘bonny’ lingered in my mind as we swayed to the melody. 

Then, it happened again. Another flash of us, holding each other in this spot, flooded into my mind. 

I looked up into his eyes and asked, “Jamie, we’ve been here before haven't we?” 

His face was inches from mine.

“Aye, we have,” he replied softly.

His eyes bore into me, such intensity, passion and love filled them. 

“When?” I say softly. 

Our bodies were connected, the front of his body practically glued to mine. 

“Two years ago.” 

“Did you reveal something to me? When you first brought me here?” 

“Yes,” he said, his mouth inches from mine.

We stopped swaying and I choke out breathless, “what was it that you revealed?” 

“This is where I told ye I wanted ye so much I could scarcely breathe. Where I told ye I loved ye.” 

He picked up my hand, kissing my palm. Then turned it over and froze. I looked up into his tear filled eyes. 

“Yer wearing your ring?”

Then, it happened. His soft lips were on mine. 

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  



	6. Sweetest Devotion

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Claire meets Alexander.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to my betas for helpng me out with this chapter. I hope you enjoy and thanks for reading!!!!

“Sassenach are ye sure about this? It’s alright if ye want to wait a bit longer,” I asked her for the fifth time this morning. 

She looks at me and says matter of factly, “Jamie, I'm ready.”

A few days ago, Claire told me she wanted to meet Alexander. I was surprised to say the least. I thought perhaps it was too soon, not wanting her to get overwhelmed like she did when she woke up. But telling her no, or persuading her to change her mind, was never an option when it came to her. 

“Alright, come let’s get his pushchair and a hamper packed up, so, when Jenny gets here we will be ready to go.” 

Claire and I agreed a picnic at a nearby park would be a great place for us to spend our afternoon together.

After a bit of time, we got the pushchair all packed up; nappies, bottles, flannels, and all the other necessities Alex needed. I left space at the bottom to make room for the hamper Claire was packing for us. 

“Sassenach, did ye find anything tasty?” I said coming behind her trying to peer over her shoulder. 

“Aye,” she responded mocking me. 

She giggled and turned around to look at me. 

I frowned at her, secretly amused by her terrible attempts to mimic a Scottish accent. 

Four days ago Claire let me kiss her and she kissed me back. Memories of that kiss still lingered on my lips. 

Since then, we began a delicate dance, I caught her staring at me and she caught me staring at her. The dinner I planned for us had been a success; even better than I imagined. Slowly but surely we were making progress. 

I moved to stand by her side as she leaned against the kitchen counter. 

“Dinna fash, he knows who you are,” I assured her, bumping my shoulder with hers. 

“What if he somehow senses that I’m not me?” 

“Sassenach, take a breath. The three of us will have a great afternoon together. I promise everything will be alright mo nighean donn,” I comforted, pushing a strand of her hair behind her ear.

She had her hair pulled back into a low ponytail, with her trainers and black joggers on. She was effortlessly beautiful, I couldn't help but stare. 

Like clockwork, the doorbell rang. 

I grabbed her hand, and gave it a light squeeze, before I walked over to answer the door.

“Hi Jenny, thank ye for this– for bringing him. There’s my laddie. Come, i’ve missed ye,” I greeted, extending my hands to him as he reached for me. 

Pushing his red locks off his forehead, I give him a kiss. One hand clutching the trunk of a small stuffed blue elephant, I had given him a few weeks ago. 

“Let’s go see yer Mam, Ruiadh.”

I looked in the kitchen and she wasn’t there. I assumed she must’ve been in the living room. Walking down the hallway, I turned the corner to see Claire sitting on the edge of the sette waiting. Her hands in her lap with a frightened look on her face. 

As soon as she saw us, she stood up. I side stepped the coffee table, coming closer to her. 

I say gleefully, “Alex, look it’s yer Mam. Look.” 

He looked up at me frowning and blinking, trying to comprehend the words I had spoken to him. Then his line of sight followed the direction I was pointing to. 

The expression on his face made it plain and clear he recognized her immediately; practically jumping out of my arms. 

She caught him; he began to coo and cuddle up to her. 

She didn’t say a word, but hugged him tight as silent tears fell. 

He looked at her and got excited, kicking his legs and planting a wet kiss on her cheek.

Laughing with tears in her eyes, “Well hello lovey. Aren’t you the sweetest and most beautiful baby I've ever seen.” 

She began to giggle, eyes watering.

Giving us a good talking to in his language of his people (pure baby talk), he laid his head on her shoulder and clung to her like a sea star clings to a rock. 

I realized my face was wet. My heart felt nothing but pure love watching this reunion; the bond between mother and child truly transcends all time and space. 

I turned around to look at Jenny, she was leaning against the door frame, watching the mother and child reunite. She smiled and waved bye to me. 

Claire looked a bit awkward holding him in her arms, but grinning at him. 

I worked to get the hamper Claire packed into the bottom of the pushchair. 

“All ready to go,” she piped up. 

We got him strapped in and set off for the park, which was 10 minutes from the house. 

It was a sunny day, the air felt warm, as the sun beamed down on us, from high in the sky. 

The park was filled with children playing on the playground equipment. Swinging, climbing, and running around; they were enjoying themselves. Some mothers and even fathers, sat on the benches observing letting the children get out all their energy. 

“Over there would be good, provide a bit of shade.”

“Aye, seems a good spot.”

I laid out the tartan blanket and got things set up as Claire unstrapped Alex, kicking his legs with excitement ready to break free from the constraints. 

Smiling and gurgling at Claire, Alex was excited to be in his mother's arms again. Ever so slowly, she squatted and sat him on his bottom in the middle of the blanket. 

“He is such a sweet and happy baby.” she said as she sat next to him.

“Aye, he can be when he wants to be. Before yer accident he was teething badly. A true terror.” 

I sat down on his other side, him in the middle between Claire and I. He looked around, staring at the trees above as birds flew in and out between the branches. 

“Ach, I just remembered I packed his favorite toy. Are you ready to see him reach a whole new level of excitement?” I grin. 

“Hi,” she nods at me as Alex crawls over to her. She was sitting with her legs folded; ‘indian style’ as they say in the states. 

I reached into the bottom of the pushchair and pulled out the toy. 

I held it behind my back as Alex was using Claire to lift himself up to stand. His wee chubby legs wobbling, as she held her hands on his waist. 

I slowly pulled the toy from behind my back, and motioned for her to stay quiet. “Shh.” 

I flipped the wee switch and pressed the blue bear, the toy springed to life immediately making noises. 

Alex whipped his head around quickly and dropped to his hands. Crawling at lightning speed to get a hold of the ball. 

When he reached me, he sat on his bottom and began to bounce and clap. I pressed the toy again, as the lights started flashing and a new melody exploded from it. He laughed so hard, he almost fell back; I had to catch him. 

He clapped and looked at me, motioning to grab the ball from me. Grinning so hard, I could see all the little teeth that had come in. 

I handed the ball to him as he pressed the buttons and stared with wonder. I looked up to see Claire grinning so hard. 

“Tis his favorite.” 

She giggled, “I can see that.” 

Taking the ball from him, I roll it to Claire. 

“Press the blue bear,” I mouth to her. 

She picked up the ball and rotated it around to find the blue bear. She pressed the bear's claw and Alex came crawling to her. 

He held onto her arm and pulled himself up. He reached for the toy and shook it as he began bouncing on his knees. 

Claire laughed at the sight. It was a guttural laugh that filled me with joy. _I missed this._

I missed going to the park as a family. Spending time together and experiencing life with love and joy. 

After playing with the ball a bit longer, I showed her the swing he usually swung in when we came to this park. 

Getting him into it, I let Claire gently push him in the swing. 

His legs wiggling and swaying as she pushed him, a huge grin on his face. He giggled everytime the swing swung close to Claire. I pulled out my phone to capture this moment. 

“Jamie?” 

“Aye?” I answer, putting my phone in my pocket after snapping some photos of the two of them. 

“Does he like the slide too?” 

“Yes, he loves the slide.”

She pushed the swing a couple of times before, pulling him out of it. I could tell Claire was beginning to become comfortable with Alex. She was still very cautious but she was relaxed. 

“Alex, you want to try the slide. Mhmm,” she said sweetly, with him on her hip. 

Claire climbed the playground equipment, children running around her and playing games. Alex stared bewildered, his eyes following their every move. 

Once Claire reached the slide she looked down at me. 

“You can do it. Now sit down on your bottom,” I instructed teasingly. 

After some maneuvering she very carefully, sat down at the top of the slide. Alex in her lap, clapping and excited at the ride they were about to go on. 

“Now push yourself forward. You can do it, Sassenach. You're a big girl.” 

She shot me a look, narrowed her eyes at me, I couldn't help but laugh at her. 

She held Alex tight, her arms holding him around the middle. When they got to the bottom, I was there to tickle his belly. 

“Yay, ye did it.” I said teasingly to Claire.

She gave me a look and tried to hold in a laugh, slapping my shoulder. 

“Do you want to go again?” Claire asked him. 

Alex kicked his legs and pointed to the slide. 

“I’ll go set up our food. While ye two enjoy the slide.” 

Claire nodded. The two of them holding on tightly to each other. 

While setting up our lunch, I was so pleased and happy that Claire and Alex were enjoying each other's company. She had been anxious so long before Jenny arrived with him. 

I looked over and saw a woman talking to Claire. The woman smiled at Alexander. Claire smiled politely but I could tell she was uncomfortable. Eventually, the woman grabbed her daughter who ran by the hand and ushered her to leave. Their conversation lasted a few minutes before the woman and her daughter left the park. 

Claire made her way back over to where we were set up. 

“Are you ready to eat?” she said to Alex. 

I handed her a container with his snacks in them and placed a small plate with the food she packed for us, in front of her. She had packed some teacakes, some freshly cut fruit, biscuits, and crisps. 

“What's this?” she asked, opening the container. 

“It’s banana flavored puffs he loves to eat. Hand them to him one at a time, or he will stuff them all in his mouth like a chipmunk.” 

She delicately grabbed one and looked at it, observing the star-shaped before putting it in front of him. He quickly grabbed it from her hand and stuffed it into his mouth. 

“Is this all you are going to feed him? Does he drink from his bottle or?” she curiously asked. 

“I had some apple sauce and baby food in his bag but ye have some fruit. He loves fruit and will eat that as well. Give him a tiny piece like this.” I reached and broke a piece of a strawberry. 

He grabbed it from my hand. Inspecting the piece of fruit, eyes furrowed before stuffing it into his mouth. 

Claire smiled at him but I could tell her mood had shifted. Something was bothering her. _What did that woman say to her?_

“Claire are you alright?” 

She nodded. 

I moved to sit closer to her, rubbing my hand on her back. 

“Jamie, really i’m alright,” she said unconvincingly. 

“What did that woman say to ye? Is that why you're upset?” 

She thought for a moment before explaining, “She didn't say much of anything she told me how adorable Alex was and asked me questions about him. That's all.” 

She broke a piece of a strawberry and handed it to him. 

“What sort of questions?” I asked softly. 

“She just asked how old he was and when he would be one. Questions I couldn't remember the answer to.” 

I put my arm around her shoulder, holding her. 

“You know how old he is and his birthday. What’s really bothering you?”

“Yes, I know he’s almost 9 months old but it took me a minute to even remember. I am supposed to be his mother and I don't know anything about him. I just found out today, what toy he likes and what he likes to eat. I just...I want to remember him and I can't,” she ranted in a low tone. 

“Claire, ye’ve only been around him for a few hours. The more time ye spend with him the more likely it is you will remember something. Yer doing your best and look at him, he doesna need ye to know those things right now, all he truly wants is you. That's all he needs. Dinna fash, Sassenach.” 

Blinking away tears, she smiled at me and nodded. I pulled her closer and gave her shoulders a squeeze, feeling the tension in them dissipate. 

After wrestling with him to clean his sticky hands, I pulled out a few more toys for him to occupy himself with while Claire and I ate. 

Worries momentarily forgotten, we went back to enjoying our afternoon. We walked along the river near the park before heading home. Alex put up a fight when Claire tried to strap him in; she gave in and carried him the whole way home. 

“Sassenach, I know ye are stronger but he is not a wee bairn. I ken how heavy he is, are ye sure ye can carry him?”

She shooed me, and walked ahead of me. 

“We’re fine. Come on,” she called out. 

We arrived home late in the afternoon; Alex surrendered to sleep, limbs heavy in his mother’s arms. 

“Yer arms must be getting tired. Let's get this laddie in his cot.”

Claire followed behind me as I made my way upstairs. 

Walking into his nursery, she helped me get his trainers off his feet, as I unzipped and pulled his jumper off him. Laying him down on his stomach, his arms thrown up near his head, he wiggled getting comfortable. 

“How long does he usually nap for?” she asked quietly.

“About one to two hours or so.” 

His breathing steadied, as Claire stared at him and caressed his chubby cheek and his curly locks. 

The image of her standing near his cot, smiling down at him, evokes a warm and achy feeling in my veins. 

His lips pursed frowning slightly, until the frown transformed into a smile. 

“Of course, he smiles in his sleep the same way you do.” She looked up at me briefly, eyes teary. 

“Jamie?” she whispered, not taking her eyes away from him. 

“Call Jenny and tell her Alex is staying home.”

“Sassenach, it's much too soon.” 

“Jamie,” she says sternly in a low tone. 

“Claire,” I respond looking down at her. 

“You saw the way he was clinging to me all day, the fun we had. He was so happy to be with us again. He needs us, he’s staying. He’s coming home,” she argued.

“Yes he had a good day today but what happens when he has one of his fits or has a day where he’s grumpy and cries for hours. Its alot to handle and I wont put that much pressure on you right now. We can continue to spend time with him everyday until yer both ready.” 

“Until _you_ feel I am ready?” 

I exhale. 

“Sassenach, I dinna think ye understand just how–” 

“I understand perfectly well. You said to me earlier that right now all he truly needed was me. Do you want to know what happened when I was carrying him home.” 

I nod, urging her to continue. 

“When you told me he was too heavy, an image flashed in my mind. An image of me looking down at him and turning to look at you as you walked behind us with his pushchair. Please, Jamie.” 

I stared intently at her, doubt and frustration battling each other in my head. _Maybe this will help her? Maybe this will bring her memories back?_

I put my hand on her cheek and look into her beautiful eyes, “Are ye sure?” 

She looked at my hand before looking at me, “Yes.” 

I rubbed my thumb on her cheek and pulled her into my arms. To my surprise she wrapped her arms around me, hands on my back. 

“Alright, I’ll call Jenny,” I whispered in her ear as she melted into me.


	7. Race to Erase

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Claire struggles with motherhood and the after affects of her accident; later on Jamie finds out some shocking news.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am terribly sorry for the long wait!!! Finally here is a new chapter and I will be posting chapter 8 tonight as well. I need to say thank you to my betas, I would be lost without you ladies. Thank you for reading!! Enjoy.

“Sassenach. ” I called out, kicking the door closed behind me. 

Holding on tight to the grocery bags in my hands, I quickly drop them on the kitchen table. The house silent, eerily quiet. 

“Sassenach?” I called out again. 

Silence. 

Where was she? Maybe she fell asleep with Alex, I thought to myself. That was it, she was asleep.

Alex’s high chair sat next to the table, stray cheerios sitting atop and strewn around on the kitchen floor.

After putting away the groceries and cleaning the table off, I go search for Claire. 

“Sassenach?” I called out again walking up the stairs. 

No response. 

I stepped quietly into Alex’s nursery, expecting to find Claire there in the rocking chair near his cot. 

Instead, I found Alex laying on his side in his cot, in nothing but a nappy. His forehead slightly damp. 

Reaching down, I brush his wild hair from his forehead, before looking over to see the baby monitor gone. 

_Where in the world was she?_

Checking all of the rooms upstairs I work my way downstairs in search of her. I knew she would never leave him home alone. Memory or no, she would never do such a thing. 

Fear growing within me I sensed something just wasn’t right. 

I check the guest bedroom downstairs, the one she slept in and still no sign of her. My heart rate picks up speed, as a blanket of fear and anxiety covers me. From top to bottom I checked every room and still no sign of her. _Christ._

I stood at the bottom of the stairway, my hands gripping the rail. My knuckles white, as I grip harder. Where in heavens had she gone?

Feeling my heart grow cold from the idea of Claire disappearing. Leaving Alex home alone. _She would never do such a thing, get a grip._

I sent her a text and tried to call her phone. Panic growing within me, her phone rang a few times. The ringing echoed as I realized her phone was sitting in the guest room a few feet away from where I stood.

_Think Fraser. Think._

After going through the entire house from the top to the bottom again, still no sign of her. My heart beating faster than a horse at the end of a furlough race. I began to pace in the hallway, the floor beneath my feet creaking from the weight. 

I replay everything that happened in my mind this morning. Seeing Claire feed Alex, the smile on their faces. They were beaming with joy enjoying each other’s presence. Mother and son building that strong bond between them once again. 

Without even realizing I had my phone in my hand dialing _999._ Then I hear it. A sniff. 

Listening intently, moving at the speed of a cat getting ready to pounce, I made my way towards the noise. Then, It came to me. There was one room I foolishly neglected. 

“Sassenach?” I whispered, sticking my head through the door. 

Her head lifted off her arms as her crimson tear-filled eyes met mine. Her legs were bent and brought up to her chest with her arms wrapped around them tightly. I took a deep breath. _Thank christ._

She was curled up in the back corner of the home office, we rarely used. 

“Sassenach, what’s happened? Are ye hurt?”

I got on my knees and sat in front of her. She looked at me and shook her head. Her chin trembling, putting her face on her thighs. 

I sat against the wall and grabbed her arms. 

“Come mo ghraidh.” 

Her cheek was against my arm, her hands gripping onto my forearm. Pulling her against my chest, she thoroughly went to pieces. 

Curled up in my lap, I continued to tell her repeatedly that everything would be alright. I placed kisses in her hair, smoothing the unruly golden brown locks out of her face. 

After a few moments, she loosened the grip she had on my arm. 

Pulling herself up, she sniffed meeting my eyes. I wipe her tears with my thumb and whisper, “What’s happened?” 

She didn’t say anything, looked at me then at her hands. Taking a deep breath she sat up, stretching out her legs in front of her, gently placing her head against the wall. 

She moved closer to me, our bodies inches away from one another. Clearly she needed some comfort and reassurance. 

“I’m terrible at this.” she finally says. 

“At what Sassenach?” 

She picks her head up and looks around, before grabbing it. _The baby monitor._

I furrow my eyebrows then soften my face. 

“Did Alex give ye some trouble?” 

“I almost killed him, Jamie. He almost died right in front of me.” Her voice thick with emotions. 

She swallowed and began, “Right after you left, I took him out of his high chair… 

_Smelling of honey and milk, I pulled Alex from the chair and dusted off the crumbs on him._

_“Let's go find your toys, would you like that?” he cooed and waved his arms. We walked into the living room and I sat him down on his play-mat and shook his favorite toy keys in front of him._

_Earlier Jamie had brought down his play mat and placed it in the living. He pushed the coffee table against the wall, with the play-mat occupying the spot it once had. This allowed for more space for Alex to crawl around and explore._

_And he did just that. He crawled around, picking up and shaking various toys. Grinning and making sounds._

_His smile. Jamie’s smile._

_I was constantly in awe of how identical he was to his father. His hair, slanted blue eyes, his chin, all of him was purely Jamie._

_He was a beautiful baby; I was mesmerized by this being that had come from me. My emotions were mixed with such happiness and sadness. I was happy that I had this beautiful boy but sad that I didn’t remember giving birth to him. Didn't remember carrying him within me for 9 months._

_My mind and soul longed for the memories to return, memories that were colorful and illuminated the life I once had before the accident._ _Small memories came to me, slowly, but nothing substantial enough to paint a full picture._

_Traces of various memories flooded my brain randomly. The unknown made me question every single aspect of myself and the world around me. There’s not a minute that goes by where i’m not questioning who I am, how to act, what I should do, etc. All of it, I had zero confidence in myself._

  
  


_After we played for a little while, Alex began to get fussy. He was rubbing his eyes with his small pudgy hands balled up into a fist._

_“Someone is getting sleepy, are you ready for a nap?”_

_He crawled over to me, reaching up wanting to be held. I gathered him into my arms and held him closely._

_Gently patting his back as he laid his head on my shoulder. He settled for a moment before he began to get restless._

_He lifted his head up, his bottom lip trembling before he let out a loud howl._

_“Shh you're alright? Are you sleepy mhmm?” Trying to quiet him, I bounce him in my arms._

_Carefully standing up, I brought him upstairs to his nursery. Pacing while holding him, trying to get him settled for a nap, but he had other plans. He was relentless; his crying did not seize._

_After changing his nappy, and a few failed attempts at feeding him some mashed bananas, his favorite puffs, and more dry cereal, the wailing continued._

_Think Beauchamp._

_I put him on my hip and gently bounced him, trying to get him to calm down. My confidence faded every moment he cried in my ear. He had responded so many times to me comforting him earlier this week, I didn't understand his sudden distress._

_“Do you want a bottle? You want that?” I say to him like he knew how to answer me._

_I thought Jamie told me he had made him a bottle and placed it in the fridge. I head downstairs and place a howling Alex on his play-mat and move quickly toward the kitchen._

_Swinging the refrigerator door open, frantically looking for a bottle. I looked behind all the cartons and other condiments and found nothing. Alex’s cries growing in volume, urging me to hurry._

_Looking through the refrigerator again frantically, I settle on some apple juice. I poured a small amount of apple juice into a clean bottle, then added water to dilute it. Twisting the cap on the bottle and gently shaking it, it occurred to me that Alex’s cries had stopped._

_I turned the corner exiting the kitchen, “Alex, no milk but let’s try some juice--”_

_I looked up and my heart dropped, the bottle slipping from my grasp. Alex’s face was bright red, he gasped and coughed._

_Scrambling towards him, I dropped to my knees._

_His eyes were bulging as I heard small amounts of air trying to force its way down and up his windpipe._

_“Oh god.” I cried._

_I slid on my knees next to him. Checking his mouth, I didn't see anything. I knew he had to have swallowed something, and I had no clue what it could've been._

_He gasped, trying to cough again._

_My eyes began to cloud with tears filling up before pouring their way out._

_“Oh god, no.” I sobbed._

_He gasped, trying to scream and cry out. The muffled sound, blocked by the object that was in his throat._

_Beauchamp, pull yourself together._

_I steady my shaky hands, pick him up and sit on the edge of the sette. I placed him face down on my forearm, making sure his head was slightly lower than his stomach. My hand was gripping his cheeks as I delivered 5 back blows between his shoulder blades. I gently turn him over, facing me, carefully looking into his mouth again. My fingers searching for a small object but to no avail I found nothing._

_I flip him back over and he gasps; his face beginning to lose its red tint. Blinking away my tears, I repeated the back blows again. My arm growing tired from the weight of him, so I used my leg to anchor the position I had him in._

_I knew after the third round of five blows, if whatever he swallowed did not come up then I needed to call 999._

_One blow. He gasped._

_“Come on Alex, breath please.”_

_Second blow._

_“Please, Alex, breathe for mummy baby.”_

_Third blow. No sound._

_“God, no.”_

_Fourth blow. Silence._

_I could feel he was still conscious. My hands and arms tired from the sheer force and will I was putting into getting whatever he had attempted to swallow out of his throat._

_I sobbed and rubbed his back._

_"Please."_

_With the fifth blow, a pence popped out of his mouth. I exhale a shaky breath._

_Taking a deep breath in, he exhaled with a screeching wail. I pull him upright and put him on my shoulder._

_“I’m so sorry. You’re alright, darling.” I kissed the side of his head, his hair slightly damp._

_I squeezed him in my arms, as we cried together clutching onto one another._

_The echoes of his screams, bringing forth images and memories that were forgotten and lost, entangled in my mind._

“I almost killed him. He almost choked to death right there in that living room. I’m terri—“ she choked, tears brimming. 

I take a breath and grab her hand, “Sassenach, look at me. He’s breathing and he is whole. Accidents happen, no parent is perfect. Ye knew what to do.”

I was appalled to say the least. She had a rough afternoon with him and I knew what this cost her. She would be unable to trust herself with him for a while.

“I don’t know how to do this, I'm no good at it, being a mother.” 

Giving her hand a slight squeeze, “Sassenach, kids swallow all types of things, this is common. Yer not the first mother to have gone through this. And most mothers dinna have yer knowledge. Ye acted quickly and the lad is sleeping peacefully and he is well.” 

She looked up at me, I could see in her whisky colored eyes the despair and bewilderment. Something familiar yet so distant in them. 

After a moment she confessed, “You know when he cried bloody murder in my ear after that pence popped out his mouth. I remembered something.”

“Ye did?” I asked softly, my heart lifted at her uttering those words. 

She closed her eyes and continued, “I remembered him being laid on my chest, that screeching cry loud as he drew his first breaths and a small almost doll-like sized hand touching my cheek.” 

I smiled. 

“I don’t know how much longer I can do this Jamie, do you know how hard it is to live in a world you do not recognize. I just want to be me, I long for the version of me that can be your wife and be his mother because that’s what you both deserve.”

“Sassenach, look at me. Just because ye dinna ken yer memories does not mean you are not still you. We love you no matter what or who ye are.” 

“How can you have me like this?” 

I thumb the tear that escaped from her eye, and smiled at her, “We will have ye anyway we can. Always. Alex and I canna live in a world without ye, we need you. We love you. I love you.”

She smiled to herself, cheeks slightly turning scarlet. She squeezed my hand. 

“What?” I asked, leaning closer to her. 

“Nothing, just hearing you say those words to me. You do it quite a lot without realizing it.”

“What words?” I questioned even though I already knew the answer.

She hesitated, hiding her face from my gaze. “That you love me. Its strange coming from you, given what we are. Well, what I remember us as.” 

“Is it overwhelming? Is it too much? Do you want me to stop?” 

“No. Please don’t.” She quickly answers. 

I kiss her palm and bring her hand up to my face, “Does it help?”

“Yes. It’s a nice reminder and I like… the way it makes me feel when you say it.” 

“Exactly how does it make ye feel?” I brush my fingers on her tear stained cheek and lift her chin, forcing her to meet my eyes.

Warmth rising within me as my eyes bore into hers. Searching deep into the abyss that is her mind.

“It feels...I don’t know how to explain it. Like...pleasant or warm and happy, yet foreign. Its hard to explain,” She rambles off.

Laying my hand upon her face, I move in closer brushing my nose on the side of hers. Her breath hot on my chin, sending tingles down my spine. 

“I would verra much like to kiss ye. May I?” I whispered.

She pulls back slightly, our faces less than an inch apart, “Yes.” 

Slowly bringing my face down to kiss her lips; they were soft and slightly salty from her tears. With our lips connected, breathing each other in, she took a handful of my shirt and pulled me in closer. 

Disconnecting our lips, our foreheads touch while we catch our breath. I caress her cheek as she holds onto my arms. 

My body was burning for her, yearning for her. It had been so long since she let me possess her body and her mind. I needed her the way a person needed air. 

Giving her another quick kiss, I pull back and stare at her. She was slightly blushing from the exertion, she looked so young and beautiful. 

I pushed her hair behind her ears and kiss her forehead.

Barely high above a whisper I enquire, “Ye remembered his birth?” 

“Did I?”

“Yes, as soon as he came out they laid him on your chest and his hand came up to touch ye. I’ll never forget it.”

“You were crying.” 

“Me?” 

“You cried, and kissed me and him. And you kept saying over and over I love you.” 

I squeezed my eyes, “I did cry.” 

She nodded chuckling, looking up at me, “I think it's sweet, I love a man who can show emotion.” 

“Love?” I said, smirking at her. Trying my best to hold onto this. This moment. 

She nodded again. 

“Ye feel better?” 

She sniffed, “yes.” 

She let go of my arms and I didn’t like the sensation. 

“Yes, much better. What would I do without you Jamie Fraser?”

The way she said my name. A hint of playfulness mixed with love and affection. 

“I hope neither of us ever find out.” 

A small cry erupted from the baby monitor.

“I’ll get him.” 

I exhaled. Wishing that moment lasted longer. I longed for her, so much it hurt more than I knew.

I gathered myself, and made my way upstairs to Alex’s nursery. I could hear Claire, talking to him when my phone began to ring. 

“Hello?” 

“Hello, this is Dr. Fitzgibbons. May I speak to James Fraser please.”

“This is him.” 

“Mr. Fraser I hope you are doing well. I am calling to discuss your wife’s test results. Do you have a moment to speak?” 

I looked into the room to see Claire sitting in the rocking chair with Alexander on her lap.

“Aye, I have time.” 

Claire looked up at me, and smiled. 

“Well, the majority of her results came back normal. However, I must inform you that your wife is in fact expecting.” 

“Expecting what?” I said quietly, pacing the hallway outside Alexander’s nursery. 

“She’s pregnant, Mr. Fraser.”

“Gast’ air fad!” 

“Pardon, I'm sorry, say again?”

He repeated himself. 

I quickly ran downstairs trying to put distance between Claire and I so she wouldn't hear a word of this. 

“How did ye not know this all the time she was in the hospital? After her accident, what type of physician doesna find out until months later?” I whispered aggressively on the phone, going out the front door. 

“Your wife experienced trauma. Her test results came back negative on numerous occasions. It's rare but it can happen, given the circumstances. This is called the hook effect. This most likely occurred because of the accident.” 

Running a hand over my face. When the mind receives unexpected news its first instinct is denial and disbelief.

“How far along is she? Are ye sure she's pregnant.” 

“I presume conception occurred prior to the accident and based on the information she gave us at her most recent appointment, I would say approximately 13 weeks. Can you confirm my estimation is correct?”

I exhale, denial and disbelief running through the circuitry of my brain. 

“Mr. Fraser?”

Searching the confines of my mind for her menstrual cycle dates, I do the math and confirm.

“Yes, you are correct.” 

“We need to bring her in for some more testing and an ultrasound. I must say it is a miracle the fetus survived the accident.”

“Jamie?” I heard Claire calling me from inside the house. 

Blessed Michael defends us, I said looking skyward. 

“Thank ye doctor... for letting me know.” That’s all I could say. Unable to truly grasp the severity of this situation. 

“Mr. Fraser please call the nurse back later today or early tomorrow morning so we can set up an ultrasound and a prenatal appointment.” 

“Jamie?” Claire called again. 

“Aye, cheers.” Opening the front door, I quickly hang up.

Claire was descending the stairs, Alex on her hip.

“Where did you disappear to? Is everything alright?”

“Aye.”

_You shouldn't have lied to her. What are you doing?_

Alex began wiggling in her arms, trying to get down.

“Come look at him. He’s starting to work on a new skill to drive us both mad,” she giggled. He was twisting, trying to tell us something rather loudly.

She placed him on his feet and put her hands under his arms, helping him stand up.

Taking a few wobbly steps, she was bent down behind him. 

“You're such a big boy. Come on keep going.” He continued to take a few more steps towards me. Claire grinning looking down at him, her hands holding him up taking on the majority of his weight. 

Alex got excited and started bouncing after taking another wobbly step. 

She giggled again, looking up at me. All the tears and troubles of the earlier day, forgotten. I smiled at her, trying my best to mask what I had just found out. 

After what she had told me, I knew she was not ready. 

_She’s not ready for any of this._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i hope you enjoyed so much more to come. Also, sorry for any grammatical errors lol.


	8. Confidently Lost

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jamie contemplates how to share some news with Claire as she continues to acclimate to the unfamiliar world around her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here is chapter 8! Sorry for the delay, fell asleep last night before uploading this chapter. Thank you to my betas and I hope you all enjoy! Some NSFW!!!!!

_ “Your bath awaits you milady. I even dropped in one of those wee balls that’s citrus.”  _

_ “What would I do without you James Fraser. Thank you.”  _

_ She slowly stripped off her work clothes; black slacks that hugged her hips along with a navy blouse and her undergarments.  _

_ After she got in, I picked up her discarded clothes and put them in the hamper.  _

_ “Well aren't you going to get in?” She giggled.  _

_ I raised my eyebrows and quickly stripped off my clothes. I slipped into the tub behind her, as she leaned back letting her head fall on my shoulder.  _

_ Her body was soft and delicate. Her buttocks softly perched on my abdomen. Her hair pulled up into a messy bun leaving her neck exposed with only a single curl escaping its confinement. I kissed the spot behind her ears and engulfed her in my embrace. _

_ “How was your day? Did yer patients mind your bossy instructions and take their wee tablets?”  _

_ “I’m not bossy. Take that back.”  _

_ Catching an elbow in my side from her, I laugh in her ear.  _

_ “And for your information, yes they did.”  _

_ “Did ye feel any better today? A lot of work to catch up on while ye were ill.”  _

_ “Yes, I do feel much better.” She slid down my body, better positioning herself between my legs. Gripping my arms tighter, as I held her around her midriff. The white and light rose colored bubbles floating around our bodies, as we sat there and enjoyed holding onto one another.  _

_ I could spend hours like this. Her sitting naked in my arms, skin to skin, luxuriating the comfort and joy we drew from one another.  _

_ “Jamie,” she began. _

_ “Aye?” I answer, my eyes focusing on the water that trickled down the center of her chest. _

_ “Have you thought about us having children one day?”  _

_ “Aye I have.”  _

_ I placed a delicate kiss on her wet shoulder. _

_ “We can start trying now, if ye like.”  _

_ “Mhmm…yer skin is so bonny Sassenach.”  _

_ She turned around to look at me and raised her eyebrows.  _

_ Turning back around with her back to me, she cupped water into her hand and dumped it along her shoulder, washing away the bubbles that had cling to her skin.  _

_ I knew she could feel my eyes on her, goosebumps rising to the surface of her skin. She reached and pulled the tie from her har, letting her curls cascade down her back.  _

_ I laid back, arms holding onto the edges of the tub, watching her. She looked like a roman goddess in a bath house, bathing in milk and honey. _

_ “Sassenach, have I ever told ye how beautiful ye are?” I whisper. Reaching for one of her hands, she turns around and looks at me with a sidelong glance.  _

_ “You might have mentioned it once or twice.”  _

_ “Come to me, mo ghraidh.”  _

_ I gently grabbed her wrist, pulling her towards me.  _

_ She obliged. Turning around she straddled me, settling just above where I wanted to sink in.  _

_ “Jamie, about the…” she began before I cut her off with a kiss. Our lips connected before our tongues began searching within each other’s mouth. Battling for dominance leaving us both breathless.  _

_ We pulled apart and all I could do was stare at her, lost and mesmerized.  _

_ “About the what, Sassenach? Continue.”  _

_ I placed kisses upon her neck, that spot just where her neck begins. Her pulse vibrating on my lips, hard and fast. _

_ She moans.  _

_ Next, my lips find their way to her chest. Taking one breast into my hand and the other my mouth. They were heavier than I remembered.  _

_ Her fingers were tangled in my hair, gripping at the nape of my neck as I devoured her breasts.  _

_ She tries to sink down on me, but I stop her.  _

_ “Jamie,” she responds in frustration.  _

_ “Do you want me?” I question. _

_ “Yes,” she answers breathless.  _

_ She grabs hold of my face, forcefully kissing me hard. _

_ I pull back and bite her bottom lip.  _

_ ‘Tell me what you want.” I command, biting her neck. I licked the water off her shoulder.  _

_ “I need you inside me Jamie.” she begged.  _

_ Grabbing a hold of my length, she forcefully feeds me inside her. She sinks down on me, I'm completely sheathed deep inside her.  _

_ I could feel her warm breath on me as we both caught our breaths. She begins to move, holding onto my shoulders as she rides me hard.  _

_ I grab a hold of her waist, her walls squeezing me tight as she loses control and picks up speed. I could feel myself getting close as I took her nipple into my mouth. My hands spread out across her back pulling her closer to me as I get lost in the feeling of being inside her.  _

_ “Jamie,” she moans my name.  _

_ I threw my head back as she changed the angle, I was brushing up against that bundle of nerves that drove her crazy.  _

_ “Fuck,” I say through clenched teeth trying not to prematurely cum before her.  _

_ She rides me faster as I reach down and rub her just where I was thrusting into her. Water continues to splash around us.  _

_ Her walls squeeze me tightly, milking me for all I had. I came streams into her as she rode out the aftershocks of her orgasm.  _

_ Collapsing on top of me as we both try to catch our breaths.  _

_ She gently plants a kiss on my mouth, pulling my hand to rest upon her abdomen. A sweet smile on her face. Her eyes filled with excitement.  _

_ I furrowed my eyebrows, confused for a moment before I realized.  _

_ “Really?”  _

_ She nods.  _

Vibration. 

My phone vibrating on the nightstand, snapping me out of the moment I was dreaming of; the night I found out Alex was on his way.

My cock had a mind of his own– it was clearly stuck in that dream. I groaned at the ache I felt in more places than one. 

Checking my phone to see who had called me, waking me from my dream. I rubbed my eyes and looked at the screen. Jenny. A few days ago I texted Jenny because I urgently needed to figure out what to do, how to tell Claire. Of course, Jenny assured me I needed to tell her, sooner rather than later. 

Still unable to find the words to tell Claire the truth, I'd been avoiding Jenny like the Coronavirus. 

Pushing myself up and out of bed, like clockwork, Alex made it known he was awake. 

After getting him cleaned and changed, I headed downstairs in search of breakfast for us both. Placing him in his high chair, I get to work cutting up fruit for him and cooking myself eggs and toast. 

Claire came dragging her feet into the kitchen almost an hour later. 

“Well good morning. You got quite a bit of extra sleep I see.” I piped up. 

“Morning,” she responded, rubbing the sides of her temple. 

She slowly lowered herself to the chair next to Alex’s high chair. He was grinning at her, waving his hand that had a piece of strawberry clutched in his small grip. 

She gave him a weak smile and ruffled his hair. 

“What's the matter with ye Sassenach, are ye not well?” 

_ You know damn well what's the matter with her. Tell her.  _

“Nothing, I just have a headache and my stomach hurts. The side effects from the medications I’ve been taking are brutal.” 

"Side effects?" I echo.

"Yes, thats the only explanation for how terrible i've been feeling. All these medications were bound to effect me, I suppose." 

I turn my back and finish washing out the dish I had in my hand. Unable to look at her as guilt and shame ate me up inside. 

She enquiries, “Did the doctor ever call you back? Usually they call to tell us about the results from the tests.”

She had gone in to see the doctor days ago, just for a routine follow up visit. The day after is when the doctor called me.

“No the doctor has not called me,” I lied, clearing my throat. 

_ Why did you lie, just tell her.  _

“Can you give me the number? I can call and get the results and also ask what can be done about how i'm feeling. Maybe he can decrease the dose on one or two of the medications. Definitely the blood thinner.” 

“No, you can't.” I say rather quickly. “I mean I don't think the practice is open yet. It's still rather early. I’ll give it to ye when they open, aye.” 

She gives me a quizzical look, before nodding.

Alex stuffed a piece of a strawberry into his mouth, hands sticky and messy. He gave Claire a huge grin while trying to chew the contents in his mouth. 

“Do you want some breakfast? Perhaps, some toast?” I offer her.

“No, i’m not hungry at the moment. My stomach hurts." 

"Toast might settle your stomach. Here just a few bites." 

I offer her half a slice of toast. I knew for a fact it would help her stomach, it always did when she was pregnant with Alex. 

She pushed my offer away and said, "Maybe later this morning but not now." 

After cooing at her, Alex lifts his arms up, demanding his mother to pick him up out of the highchair. Claire gently picks him up and uses a wet towel to wipe his sticky hands, she gives him his sippie-cup that was filled with juice and sits down with him in her lap. 

She had been especially careful with him following the incident that happened. The confidence she was beginning to build when it came to him, took a hard hit. 

_ Just another sign that she isn't ready. _

Claire looked up and grimaced. 

“Sassenach, are ye alright?” I asked. 

My nerves set in. Maybe something was wrong with the baby and she needs to see the doctor. 

“I think i’m going to go lay back down, my head is spinning and my cramps are horrid at the moment.” 

She put Alex in my arms and walked off. I could see the way she was moving she was close to collapsing. 

  
I followed behind her, holding onto Alex in one arm with the other hovering close to her. 

"Ye sure you don't need anything? I could make you that tea ye like to help your stomach?' 

She climbed back into bed, shaking her head. 

"Let me know if ye need something. We'll let you get some rest." 

“Wait, there is something I need you to do. Can I see your phone please.” 

Panic setting within me. This was the moment. The perfect moment to tell her the truth. 

I knew she wasn't ready for this. She always said, when she was pregnant with Alexander she felt her body and mind were completely possessed and consumed. For someone who is not completely themselves and overcome by the shadow of lost memories, having a child only adds to the already jumbled mess that is her mind. 

I slowly pulled my phone out of my pocket and gave it to her. 

“Claire, wait before ye call the doctor. I--” I began, cutting myself off. 

I pause. 

“Jamie what is it? I think your wrong the practice is probably open already.” 

I shook my head and cleared my throat, “The doctor's number is listed under the practice name.” 

_ Your a coward James Fraser, you will regret this.  _

Claire called and spoke to one of the nurses. Of course, there was a cancellation recently and the doctor could see her in two days.

I had two days. 

Two whole days to prepare, reveal, and explain things to her. But, I didn't say a word. Didn't tell her the truth and as soon as we pulled into the car park, regret assaulted me. 

I gripped the steering wheel as I put the gear in park. She took off her seatbelt and grabbed her bag, hand on the door handle. 

“Wait, Sassenach before we get out of the car…” I began grabbing her hand and rubbing my thumb over her ring she wore on her left hand. 

She stared into my eyes, waiting for me to finish.

A second went by, then another. I opened and closed my mouth. 

I exhaled, “Nevermind.” 

She furrowed her eyebrows, “Jamie, what's gotten into you. You’ve been doing that for the past couple of days since I called the doctor. What is it you're not telling me or trying to tell me?” 

“It's nothing. Come, we don't want to be late.” 

She stared at me as I got out of the car. 

We walked into the practice and she checked in at the front desk. 

My heart pounding in my ears and chest. I sat there, tapping my fingers on my leg. 

My mind runs through various scenarios of how this could turn out. Although I thought of numerous scenarios there were only two scenarios that had the highest probability of occurring. 

The doctor could break the news of the baby to her and not mention he told me. Or, the doctor could assume I had told her and my cowardice could be exposed. 

She put her hand on mine and assured me, "Don't worry I'm sure everything is fine and easily fixable." 

If only she knew...

I gave her a weak smile. 

Claire Fraser,” the nurse called out. Claire gets up and then looks at me. 

"Aren't you coming?" 

"Noch, I could stay here and wait for ye."  


She grabs my hand and pulls me to stand up and follow after her. 

The closer we got to seeing the doctor the more my heart rate began to rise.

I held Claire’s bag as the nurse took her vitals and seated us in a room. I knew if the nurse were to take my blood pressure it would be well beyond normal range.

“Is your ultrasound already scheduled, I didn't see it in your chart.” The nurse questioned flipping through the pages.

"Ultrasound?" Claire echoed, stepping off the scale. 

My hands began to tremble.

"Yes, we need to get that scheduled. I will wait to after you see Dr. Fitzgibbons before we schedule that." 

The nurse went through a few routine questions. Thank heaven, the doctor walked in before she started asking about any pregnancy symptoms and questions. 

“Mrs. Fraser, so good to see you again.” The doctor greeted upon his arrival. 

“Hi Dr. Fitzgibbons,” she greeted. 

“I am so glad your husband here finally got you in. We will need to do some imaging and get some blood samples. I planned out a regiment to get you weaned off a lot of the medications you were put on following your accident. Have you eaten this morning?” 

“Wow, I see Jamie told you everything about the side effects I've been experiencing.”

“Side effects? Did these side effects begin recently? Have they amplified your pregnancy symptoms?” 

BAM. There it was, the cataclysmic bomb. 

“Pregnancy? Wait who said anything about a baby?” 

“Surely your husband mentioned, your test results came back positive.” 

Both of them turn to stare at me, looking to me to explain the miscommunication that led to their respective confusion. 

Clearing my throat, I admit, “Well, Dr. Fitzgibbons she does not know." 

Claire stares at me, her eyes boring into the side of my head as the doctor discussed everything he told me over the phone. 

Consumed by pure shock and anger, Claire didn't say another word the rest of the visit. She let the doctor give her a brief examination, he could sense clearly that this was not the right moment to take a deep dive into anything. I answered the doctors questions and scheduled her imaging and another appointment. 

The ride home was silent. She looked out the window, refusing to even look in my direction. 

We pulled in front of our house and I cut the engine off. 

"I am--" I began. 

She took a deep breath and yelled “You are a liar. You lied to me! I trusted you and you lied!”

Here we go. The confrontation and disdain I brought upon myself. 

“Sassenach--”

“Don't call me that!” She yelled again, her jaw tensed. 

“I was trying to protect you.” 

“To protect me? You said you wouldn't lie to me, you promised me you would tell me the truth. I trusted you, I was beginning to come to an understanding of just how we ended up together.” 

“Claire, please. Just listen. I wanted to protect you, after the incident with Alex I thought all of this would be too much for ye. I planned on telling ye I swear it. I’m sorry.”

“I don't want your apology.” She said through clenched teeth, tears building up in her eyes. 

“I don't know whats worse the deception and manipulation or the outright lie. You made me and yourself look a fool.” She pointed an accusatory finger at me. 

“Why did you have to ruin things? I was beginning to fall for you. I was a fool to think you were this perfect man. Has all this been a facade? Have you been pretending we have this beautiful life. I don't know what's true or not.” She rambled, droplets coming out of her eyes. 

I was speechless. My heart cracking as my mind processed the extent of just how much I hurt her. 

"I am a fool and a coward. I should've just told you. But please understand I didn't want to hurt you, I never want to hurt you. And no we do have a beautiful life together, don't let my mistake dissuade you from the way I know you feel about us. I love you." 

"You have some way of showing it." 

Her eyes bore into me, rage, frustration, and hurt flashed within them. 

Before she exited the car she said, “Here, I don't need this.” 

Leaving me with her wedding ring in my hand. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I truly enjoy writing this story, so much more to come. I hope you all enjoyed and thanks for reading. Let me know some of your predictions on where you think this story is leading below.


	9. Inside Your Mind

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jamie works to gain Claire’s forgiveness as she grapples with his betrayal. An unexpected tragedy befalls a close family member.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all for the lovely comments, I am so sorry for not replying to you all but I am truly grateful. Also, I need to say thank you to my betas.

I felt violated. Like my body was no longer my own. I was possessed and taunted by remnants of a life I had no knowledge of. 

My heart squeezed in my chest as the image of his broken face projected on my closed eyelids.

The ring. I had given him that ring.

Rage consumed me when I finally confronted him for lying to me. 

After our argument in the car (not really an argument, really just me yelling at him), I rushed into the house heading straight for my room, right past a clueless Jenny with Alexander. 

I closed and locked my bedroom door and laid on the bed crying like a heartbroken lovesick teenager. 

Did he truly ever love me? Did I really live here? Did I give birth? Was I carrying another child? Were we ever happy? 

I was unable to tell the difference between reality and my imagination. Was he the man I was beginning to fall for? Or did I dream he was something he was not? 

I closed my eyes, curled up in a ball and cried myself to sleep. I was drained physically and emotionally. 

Later that evening, hunger pulled me from my slumber. My stomach growled as waves of a beastly appetite washed over me. My eyes and head throbbed from the crying I had done earlier. 

My bedroom window revealed it was late afternoon/early evening; shocked that I had slept the entire day away. 

Laying there for a moment staring at the ceiling, trying to prepare myself to see him. 

I didn’t want to face him. I knew I had hurt him almost just as much as he hurt me with his lies. 

To say I felt betrayed is an understatement. I trusted him. I relied on him to be truthful with me, to help me fill in the gaps of my absent memory. 

My stomach growled again, pulling me from my thoughts. 

Swallowing my pride and anger, I push myself to get up. Stepping outside my room, I faintly heard Jamie in the living room and what sounded like Alex shaking one of his toys.

Taking a deep breath I headed towards the kitchen, I knew he would see me walk by. And he did. 

Jamie came rushing behind me. 

“Sassenach?” He called. 

_Don't you dare say a word to him. Silent treatment is your best option right now._

Ignoring him, I focus my attention towards my search for nourishment. I checked the fridge and the cupboard, before settling on bread and ketchup with some leftover tuna salad.

“Can we talk please? I know you're still angry but..” 

_Of course i’m still angry you wanker, you lied to me and manipulated me._

I turn and give him a look, shooting daggers at him with my puffy eyes. 

He didn't say another word, walked away. 

“I’m sorry, Claire.” He whispered before walking out of the kitchen.

Grabbing the bread, ketchup, and bowl of leftover tuna salad I rush back to my room in a hurry. Fuming with anger. I trusted him and he betrayed that trust. The only person I knew from my life before lied to me. 

_How many times are you going to think about this? Just ignore him._

_Or maybe talk to him and tell him how he hurt you._

So many contradicting thoughts going through my mind, I didn't know which voice to listen to. I was unraveling, busting at the seams. 

Downing four tuna and ketchup sandwiches, my mind kept replaying the doctor’s revelation. The way Jamie sat there speechless after being exposed.

That word, _pregnant._ So foreign to me, or atleast foreign to the version of me that had no memory of my first pregnancy. I was having a baby, Jamie’s baby. 

“Oh God.” I said out loud. 

Tears began leaking from my eyes as I bit into a fifth sandwich. 

Thinking of Jamie's lies, the life I had within me, my lacking memory that seizes to return to me, all of it, so overwhelming. I didn't have the first idea of how to cope with the current state of my chaotic life and mind. 

Eating repeatedly, anything and everything with ketchup on it. Laying in bed switching between crying and sleeping all day. Those became my coping mechanisms. 

I carried on like that for another three days. Three days of giving Jamie the silent treatment, three days of locking myself in my room, three days of not interacting with Alexander, three days without doing absolutely nothing but withdrawing further into myself. 

Going on day four, Jamie cornered me in the kitchen. Around midday I was in search of my sixth meal. 

Jamie hovered near the kitchen table, staring and studying me. I felt his eyes on me. 

He inhaled deeply before lecturing me. 

“Claire, ye have not left your room in days for anything but food. I know you're angry with me and I deserve it. I regret what I did but Alexander is still here. He still needs you, don't avoid or ignore him too. I might deserve it but he doesn't, he misses ye and was crying for you yesterday. And I know all this is difficult and a lot for you to process but you can't shut yourself off from the world like this. Ye need to take care of yourself, it's not just you anymore.” 

I took a moment to comprehend his words. 

I sat down at the table pulling my jumper tighter around me, rubbing my hand on the back of my neck. I was a mess. A complete wreck of a woman. I haven’t showered in days, put a brush through my hair, hadn’t gone outside, changed my clothes once, even worse had not interacted with Alexander.

Jamie slowly lowered himself into a chair across from me. Reluctantly he asks, “Are ye well? Do ye feel alright? Have ye felt faint or any cramps in yer belly?” 

I didn't have to look at him to know concern and fear was written on his face. The tone in his voice told me everything I needed to know. _He cares and he loves you. Let him do those things._

I didn't answer his questions. Not even a yes or no. I was far from ready to forgive him for the lies, but I did long to tell him everything. Ask him why I felt the way I did, why I've been craving and yearning for the strangest things, why my boobs hurt from time to time or the dizziness I felt every time I stood up. He was there when this happened last time; he probably remembers every aspect of my pregnancy with Alex. Meanwhile, I had no recollection of any of it. 

“Can ye atleast nod your head please or blink twice or something. Please just communicate with me. I miss ye and I'm sorry,” he pleaded. 

_I miss you too,_ I thought to myself. 

Alexander’s cries echoed through the house. Informing us he was awake after a nap I presume. 

I put a hand up to stop Jamie from standing up, I hesitate for a second, before I blink my tears away and head upstairs to Alex nursery. 

My heart dropped at the sight of him. 

He was rubbing the back of his left hand over his eyes, smearing tears all over his face. He reached up towards me and I gathered him into my arms. Squeezing him, I kiss his forehead. Breathing in that baby smell he still possessed, he put his chubby arms around my neck. 

He attempted to tell me about his morning, I could tell he was recapping his naps and time with his father while we’ve been parted. All of this was in baby talk of course but I understood him. 

He was heavier in my arms, he’d grown over the course of our three day separation I was sure of it. I kissed his little button nose and he giggled, igniting joy and happiness within me. It was strange the way he could do such a thing. His smile and laugh filled me with such tenderness. 

I sat down in the chair next to his cot. His chubby legs and arms flailing with excitement. I kissed his nose again, he threw his wild curly head back and clapped, laughing.

I had missed him. I let anger and self-pity get in the way. I was being selfish. 

"I'm sorry." I faintly whispered to Alex, kissing his forehead. 

I looked up and found Jamie standing in the doorway. Watching us. His head leaning against the door frame with his arms crossed. His biceps protruding from the way he folded his arms, with his grey tee outlining and revealing his prominent pectoral muscles. Barefoot with his faded trousers hung low on his hips.

He smiled at us before walking away, leaving us catch up on lost time. 

It wasn't long till Alex began to whine, letting me know he was hungry for a snack and needed a nappy change. 

Days went by as I upgraded my communication skills with Jamie to nodding or shaking my head. He pried repeatedly about the status of my pregnancy but I ignored his questions.

I was still angry and far too stubborn to admit the truth; he was right. I didn't take the news well and still haven't fully dealt with the reality of the situation we were in. My memory still eluded me, leaving me all the more vulnerable. 

Although I was still ignoring him, Jamie persisted in trying to gain my forgiveness. He left me a bouquet of white roses with a card that said, “I’m sorry. I love you.” 

A few times, I woke in the middle of the night, to find small notes taped to my bedroom door, that contained the same words, ‘I’m sorry. I love you.’ 

He bought me a huge container of ketchup and left it on the kitchen table, it had a note taped to the top of it. The note said, “I know this is what you need most and I'm sorry.” It was exactly what I needed most, I was craving ketchup the way a crack addict craved a fix. 

I kept all the notes in the bottom drawer of my nightstand. After getting his latest, ‘I’m sorry’ note, I lay awake contemplating forgiveness. Kneading the side of one of my aching breasts, I thought, _he loves you. Forgive him._

I know he meant to protect me, but the lying hurt me in ways I didn't imagine. He was the only person I truly opened myself up to these days. My lack of memories made it difficult to go out into the world and just be. 

_You should forgive him, stop being stubborn._

That next morning I continue to go back and forth in my mind, before reaching a decision. While feeding Alex his breakfast, Jamie and I sat in silence. I caught him looking at me and he caught me looking at him. 

_This is your moment, tell him you forgive him. Go on, put you both out of your misery._

I cleared my throat, ready to say something to him for the first time in over a week. But, before I opened my mouth, Jamie received a call. 

“Jenny, how can I not help ye today?” He jokingly answers. 

Feeding him small amounts of applesauce, Alexander was happily waving his arms and kicking his legs. Applesauce is always his favorite and he always made sure we knew it. 

I smiled at him, wiping the corners of his mouth with his bib. Scooping up more applesauce from the container, out of the corner of my eye I see Jamie’s demeanor change. 

Jamie's face drops; the red of his hair a drastic contrast to the color of his pale and flushed skin.

After listening to whatever Jenny was saying he responds, “Aye, i’m on my way dinna fash. I’ll be there soon.” 

He frantically got up, forgetting his auto keys on the kitchen table. I presume he was pulling his trainers on before I heard the door open then close then open again. 

I furrow my eyebrows, picking up his keys and going after him. We collide in the corridor and he grabs my arms, steadying us both. I shove his keys at him, waiting and hoping for him to tell me what's happened.

“Thank ye. Something’s happened to Ian. I’ll be back,” he explained before leaving in a hurry. 

I waited all day, concern and worry consumed my every thought. I paced the living room for hours as Alex stared at me confused sitting on his playmat. 

I prayed Ian was alright. He and Jenny were two people I remembered well from the time before my accident. I had fond memories of us going to the pub for a pint, or the cinema to see those bad action films Jamie and Ian loved. 

My stomach cramped and I felt sick at the idea of Ian leaving this world. God I hope he survived. 

Jamie was gone all day; I did not receive a call or text from him. I knew for him not to check in on me, something terrible must've happened. 

My mind was so preoccupied with thinking about Ian, I didn't even have time to have anxiety or fear about being left alone with Alex. After the choking incident, Jamie was always around at my insistence.

Day turned into night and before, I knew it, I was giving Alex dinner and a bath, then rocking him to sleep.

Basking in having him safe in my arms I thought him and his sibling growing older. I quite enjoyed this age, before the walking and talking began. 

_How would I manage two of Alex? Two babies at once, sounds terrifying. I thought as I rocked him to sleep._

Alexander's head heavy on my shoulders, I heard the creaking of the front door. _Jamie. He was home._

Carefully standing up, I kiss Alex forehead and lay him down. Brushing my hand over his beautiful auburn locks, I grab the baby monitor and head downstairs in search of Jamie. 

I found him at the bottom of the staircase, sitting there with his face in his hands. The floor creaking under my weight, alerted him of my presence. He moved closer to the railing, making room to let me past. 

To his surprise, I sat down next to him. “Is Ian alright?” I questioned, my voice hoarse and slightly scratchy from the sensation of speaking. 

Shocked at hearing me, Jamie responded, “He’s alive.” 

“What happened to him?” I enquire. 

Jamie put his elbows on his thighs and clasped his hands together. “He was on a flight, a very small flight from France. Something happened with the plane, some malfunction. The plane had issues landing, it crashed in the moors near the coast. 30 people were on that flight, Sassenach. There were seven deaths and multiple serious injuries,” he explained. His jaw tensing trying to push down the emotions rising within him. 

Scooting myself closer to him, I put my hand upon his. Encouraging him to continue, “Sassenach... Ian...his..” 

He blinked away tears and cleared his throat. “Ian lost his leg. The debris from the crash cut right through the bone. He lost a lot of blood too, almost bled to death.”

I squeezed his hands. “I’m so sorry Jamie.” 

Jamie stopped fighting it, he let his tears flow freely grasping my hand in his. I put my arm around his broad shoulders trying to offer comfort in any way I could. Ian was his friend, and had been for many years. They had gone through things together and cared for one another like brothers. 

“How’s Jenny? Where are they?” 

He sniffed. “He’s in surgery, Jenny said she’d call when he got out.” 

“You must be tired, come on let's get you in bed. You can wait for her call lying down.” I usher him up the stairs to the bedroom that once upon a time we shared. He ripped off his tee shirt and trousers before crawling between the duvet in nothing but his briefs. 

I sat on the edge of the bed, the bright light on the nightstand, revealing the despair and pain he felt. I gently rubbed the lines on his forehead as he stared at me. 

“Claire, I’m sorry I dinna call you. My phone died and I didn't think to charge it.” 

“No harm done,” I reassure him, as he grabs my hand and holds it. My pulse throbbing under the touch of his thumb on my wrist. 

Without hesitation I offer, “Do you want me to stay for a bit, just until you fall asleep or she calls?” 

He nodded. I crawled into the bed on the other side of him. Pulling the large jumper I was wearing tight around me, he turned to face me. 

“How are ye feeling? Are ye well?” 

I nod. 

A moment goes by and he utters, “I’m sorry.” 

This bloody man, his friend was almost killed in a plane crash and he wants to apologize again to me. Make sure I am feeling well. How could I not forgive him? 

“Forgiven.” 

“I love you Claire.” 

“I know.” I simply respond. 

Caressing my cheek with his finger, he kisses the back of my hand before pulling our joined hands close to his chest. 

I fell asleep with the feel of his heart beat and the feel of his other hand upon my belly. 

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoyed this chapter and thank you for reading! So much more of this story to come and thank you for putting up with my rough grammar.


	10. By Your Side

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Claire grapples with being an expectant mother while Jamie works to be there for his sister.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here it is, a new chapter finally!!! I am so sorry for the long wait between chapters, I have been so busy. Thank you to my betas for helping me get this chapter together and for helping write a wee bit of NSFW towards the end of this chapter.

I awoke to the most beautiful sight; the sunshine cascading across her face, accenting her bonny cheekbones and full lips. Her hair fanned out across the pillow with her hands tucked by her cheek as she slept peacefully. 

I trace the edges of her face with my finger, her skin smooth and warm under my touch. The sight of her in our bed once again stirring pent up desire and lust within me. I desperately wanted to gather her into my arms. Hold her tightly and never let go.

The silence that passed between us the past few days, cut deep. I knew I deserved it after what I had done. I felt beyond grateful that she had forgiven me. 

Inhaling deeply she peels her eyes open, revealing her fluorescent brown eyes. Blinking a few times before meeting my eyes. 

“Good morning,” I whisper.

“Morning.” She replies, stretching her legs. 

“I hope you don't mind me sleeping here. I think I fell asleep not long after you.” 

“Before me actually. But, I never mind you sleeping in our bed beside me.” 

I desperately wanted to kiss her rosy lips, my body aching, and going through withdrawals. 

Instead, I delicately take her hand and kiss the back of it. 

She turns away from me, trying to hide the strawberry color that appeared on her cheeks. 

Yawning she asked, “Did Jenny ever call you? I don't remember hearing the phone.”

“I dinna ken. I didn't hear the phone either. Could he still be in surgery all this time?”

“Well it depends on the severity, an amputation can take quite a while considering he was in a plane crash and experienced other injuries.” 

Checking my phone, I had no missed calls from my sister. 

“No missed calls.” 

“Maybe she messaged you?” she suggests, as she sits up and stretches her arms. Her shirt rising, revealing her supple skin. 

The tips of my fingers tingle at the thought of touching her smooth bare skin once again. 

I refocus my eyes to my phone screen before she catches me staring.

“Here we go. She said he’s out of surgery and resting. Thank christ.” 

Giving me a reassuring smile, “That’s really good, he made it through surgery.” 

“Aye.” I exhale, a weight lifted off my shoulders. Ian was alive, not whole but alive and breathing.

“I’m using your bathroom.”

“It’s ours.” I correct her. 

“Right.” 

“Sassenach, what do ye want for breakfast?” I say rather loudly so she could hear me through the closed door. 

Scrolling through my notifications I see multiple emails from my boss. I remove the emails from my notification bar. I have been avoiding him because I knew I was supposed to be returning back to work in a few weeks. 

Following Claire’s accident, I took time off work. I knew I couldn’t handle work and caring for her and Alexander all at once. My work holiday was soon coming to an end, and Claire was not ready for the demands of Alexander and her pregnancy, without me by her side.

Pushing the thought to the back of my mind, this was the least of my long list of worries right now. 

“Claire, food. Tell me what you want to go underneath the mountains of ketchup you will eat this morning.” I reiterate, pulling on a pair of trousers and grabbing a tee from the wardrobe. 

She didn't answer me; opening the door, ever so slowly, she stood there in the doorway. Her face pale, the blood drained from it. 

“What’s wrong mo ghràidh?” I question, dropping the T-shirt I had in my hand.

Trepidation etching on her face. 

Making her way towards me she reveals, “I had blood down there. Jamie, do you think something’s wrong?” 

I reach for her, pulling her into my arms. Her cheek pressed against my bare chest. My heart squeezes inside my chest at the thought. 

“Was it a small amount or a lot? Did it stop?” 

“Small. Like spotting I guess.”

Bringing her arms around my waist, a surge of tenderness and yearning overcomes me at her seeking comfort from me again. 

“Dinna fash, that happens around this time. That’s normal.” I reassure her. 

“Are you sure?” She questions, her voice delicate and soft. 

“Aye. I promise ye, everything is alright. This happened with Alex.” 

She nods and hugs me tighter. Her breath tickling the short hairs on my chest. 

“I have so many questions.” She mumbles. 

I chuckle, “Let’s eat, and you can ask away.” 

Neither of us moves an inch, holding onto each other. Moments such as this one, made me ache for the way things were between us before her accident. If only we could go back to those days. 

Days of her seeking my touch. Days of us possessing one another. Days of simply holding onto one another, listening as our heartbeats synchronized to beat at the same rhythm. I longed desperately for my wife to return to me. 

I rub my hands up and down her back, breathing in her scent and basking in the warmth of her body embracing mine. 

A moment later she proclaims, “I think I’ll shower and brush my teeth before breakfast.”

We let go of each other, I brush my teeth and head downstairs to prepare breakfast while Claire got herself ready for the day. 

After she took a quick shower, Claire walked into the kitchen with a sleepy Alex on her hip. His face tucked into her neck. 

She got him strapped down in his chair, smoothing his hair from his forehead.

“He looks more and more like you every day. He also needs a haircut.”

Beaming with pride, I agree, “Yes, he does need a haircut. I will need to figure out where to take him for such a thing. We’ve never gotten his hair cut before.” 

Mentally adding that to my long list of tasks that needed to be done. 

I placed a plate of french toast in the middle of the table, then a container of syrup. Alex's eyes lighting up, he could spot anything sweet a mile away.

“French toast, really?” 

I nodded. “And some fruit to go along w’ it.” 

“Well, it looks better than the food you cooked a few weeks ago. Hopefully, it tastes better too!” 

“I am hurt by your criticism, I worked hard on that dinner I cooked for us.” 

She shrugged her shoulders and cutoff a small piece of french toast. Examining the food on her fork before popping it into her mouth. 

I stared. Narrowing my eyes at her. 

“Not bad. Could be better though, with ketchup.” She simply said. 

“Sassenach, why?” I said rhetorically, scrunching my nose in disgust. 

She pulled out the container of ketchup I had bought for her days ago. 

Placing the ketchup on the table, she grabbed another piece of french toast and began cutting it into tiny pieces for Alex. She was within arm’s length, making it easier for his grubby wee hands to swipe a piece of the french toast and stuff it into his mouth. 

As he was reaching for another piece, I moved the plate away from him. 

“Yer impatient just like yer Mam, ruaidh.” 

“I am going to disregard that comment. How do you usually feed him french toast? Has he eaten this before?” She questioned, frowning.

“Aye. Ye used to take a small piece and put just a drop or two of syrup on it. Then, fed it to him using a spoon. Here like this.”

Grabbing one of his baby spoons, I scooped up a small piece she had just cut and dipped it slightly in syrup. Feeding it to him, he began clapping and pointing at the plate. Trying to tell us he wants more. 

Claire mimicked what I did and fed him another piece. Kicking his legs, Alex sat back and enjoyed his breakfast. 

“After breakfast, I think I’m going to head to the hospital.”

She offers, “I could come with you.” 

“Ye need your rest, Sassenach. And it’s too short notice to find someone to watch this laddie for us. Maybe another day." 

"Another day, I will hold you to that." she pointed at me. 

After finishing our breakfast, I made my way to the hospital. 

I walked down the hall and found Jenny sitting in a chair outside Ian’s hospital room. 

Pulling up a chair beside her, I sit and inquire, “How is he?”

“Alive.” She simply responds.

“Has he woken up at all after his surgery?”

“Briefly. He's been in and out of consciousness. Incoherent. The anesthesia hasn't worn off yet, thats what they keep telling me.”

“I’m sure he will wake up soon. He’s strong.” 

“Jamie...I’m... I don’t know how he will react. Looking down at himself, seeing the missing limb.” 

“It’ll be a shock of course but he will get through it. Ye both will, I'm certain.” 

I put my arm around her shoulders, giving her right arm a reassuring squeeze. 

“Do ye think we're cursed? You and I?” 

“Cursed? I dinna ken yer meaning.”

“I mean, your wife loses her memory and my husband loses his leg. There must be a Fraser sibling curse placed upon us.”

“Jenny, dinna be daft.”

“I’m serious. There’s a curse Ma and Da never told us of.”

“Maybe. But, curses can be broken. It will be difficult for him of course but he will recover.” 

She made an mhm sound before placing her head on my shoulder. 

I sat with Jenny into the afternoon, standing by her side as doctors and nurses came and went, checking Ian’s vitals and his wounds.

I did my best to support Jenny, try to be there to ask questions or get her anything. It was blatantly obvious that she was scared. I felt it too. I tried my best to stay strong for her but I too was afraid of how he would react.

Once the anesthesia wore off, Ian came to. I stood by Jenny’s side as she had to tell her husband he lost his leg. He was crushed, to say the least. Jenny and I did our best trying to comfort and reassure him. My heart broke witnessing his reaction.

Later that afternoon, I walked through the front door, kicking my trainers off and throwing my jacket over the banister. 

“Claire?” I called out.

“In here.”

Walking towards the living room, I found myself blocked off by a small gate with Alex standing holding onto the bars like an inmate who is locked up in a jail cell.

Reaching his arms up for me to pick him up.

I step over the baby gate and throw him over my shoulder. 

“How’s Ian and Jenny?” Claire asks. 

“Ian woke up momentarily, and we had to tell him. He took it hard, completely crushed. The doctor explained to us that he will need extensive rehabilitation after he is released from the hospital. And Jenny...well ye ken my sister.”

Tickling him under his wee feet, he was hanging upside down over my shoulder. His hair and arms dangling as he was laughing. 

I propped us beside Claire. She was sitting on the settee with her legs tucked under her with an old photobook open in her lap. 

Sitting Alex upright on my lap, I moved closer near Claire, craning my neck to peek at what photos she was staring at. 

“Which photobook are ye going through Sassenach?” 

Alex put his chubby hands on my chin, initiating the game he loved for us to play. Me pretending I was going to eat his fingers. 

“Our university days.” She responds not taking her eyes off it. 

“How was he today? Not a handful, I hope.” 

“He’s been a good boy today. We went on a little walk and got some fresh air.” She says smiling, briefly looking at him giggling in my lap as I pretend to munch on his fingers. 

Alex gurgles and laughs so hard his face began turning red, placing his left hand on my chin again. 

“Goodness look at us. I don’t remember taking this one. When was this?”

She was referring to a photo of us, sitting along Brighton beach. Her head on my shoulder, with me placing a kiss on her forehead. We looked so young; its hard to believe that was less than two years ago. 

“I love that one. John took it actually.” 

“John?”

“Aye. This was our last outing with him before he left for Aussie.” 

“Before he left? Were we together then? What happened to him? He was my best friend, I don't understand it.” She rambled quickly. 

Wiggling to get down, I place Alex on the floor; he crawls away in search of an object to chew on. 

“Well…” I pause, contemplating on just how much I was going to reveal to her. 

“Stop doing that.” She said annoyed. 

“What?”

“I can clearly see you thinking, deciding on what information you're about to give me.”

I shrug, throwing my hands up. 

“I just forgave you for lying to me. I might not a second time, Jamie Fraser.”

“I am not a child nor an invalid. You need to let me decide what I can handle. I feel like I'm being manipulated and I don't like it. Swear to me now, you’ll stop doing it.” 

“Stop doing what?”

“Withholding the truth from me.”

“Claire, I just..”

“I know you just want to protect me, but you can't protect me from everything. I need to know, I desperately need to fill in gaps from lost memories, but I can't do that if the only person who can fill in those gaps is withholding information from me.” 

“All right, I’m sorry. You’re right. No more lying. I swear it.” 

I divulged the events that transpired between the two of them. Explaining to her how our relationship hindered the friendship she had with him. 

“He felt I took his spot. You and I were friends of course, before we began dating, but John was still your best friend. Once we got together, well, we were inseparable to say the least. And he moved away, so you began speaking to him less and less. Then, there was planning our wedding and Alex came along shortly after.” I finished explaining to her. 

“When was the last we spoke? Before my accident?”

“I dinna ken. Ye should check your messages, I'm sure they are still there on the cloud. Yer phone was backed up before your accident so everything should still be there.”

“I think I will.”

She leaned back placing her head on my shoulder, snuggling closer to me. I place my arms around her and kiss her on her forehead, inches from the fading scare it still possessed. 

“You smell good.” She sniffed me. 

Her sudden heightened senses reminding me, “How are ye feeling? Anymore bleeding?” 

“I haven't felt sick or anything, I gained at least 4 kg last night alone. But, gladly no more bleeding.”

“Good.” I chuckle. 

“But, I did get a nosebleed after simply blowing my nose earlier. Is that normal?” 

“Yes, that's normal.”

“Jamie, how far along am I? I don't even remember what the doctor said because I was distracted by my anger.”

“Well, ye were about 14 weeks when we went to the doctor and that was almost 2 weeks ago. So, ye are about 16 weeks now.” 

“Oh god, that’s almost halfway through.” 

“Aye. Time goes by quickly.”

Her hands warm against my skin, caressing my arm. 

“Jamie…” She started. 

“Sassenach, I ken what yer thinking and ye dinna need to worry or be afraid. I am here and will be here every step of the way. Besides, yer body has done this before. It remembers what to do, certainly.” 

She gives me a nervous smile, anguish in her eyes. Kissing her hair, we sit holding onto one another as Alex crawls to his favorite toy. His chubby hands latch onto the toy, rotating the ball in search of the blue bear. 

Eyes lighting up when he finds the bear, he uses the edge of the sette to anchor him as he brings himself to stand on his wobbly legs. After pressing the bear’s paw, the toy emits a tune; Alex bounces along to it smiling at us.

We spend the rest of the evening, enjoying one another’s company. Going through our nightly routine, it wasn't long until Alex slept in his cot and Claire falling asleep shortly after. 

Late that night, I lay awake, unable to sleep thinking about the various things that I needed to take care of before I go back to work. The most important was Claire. Her memory still abating her and with the bairn on the way, I deeply felt I needed to be here for her. 

To distract myself from my thoughts, I trudge down the stairs heading towards the kitchen in search of a late-night snack. Trying to stay quiet, looking for something edible to eat in the cupboard. 

Claire came in quietly behind me, causing me to jump slightly when her hand rested on my back. 

“Christ,” I say, reeling from her frightening me. 

“Sorry, I didn't mean to scare you.” 

“What are ye doing awake? Was I too loud? Did I wake ye?”

“No, you didn't wake me. I couldn't sleep. What are you doing?” She mumbled as I felt her hands come around my waist, and her cheek lay on my back. “You smell nice,” she continued.

“Do I?” I respond.

“Aye,” she teases in a husky tone. 

I look down over my shoulder, her eyes revealing her true intentions. 

“Are ye well, Claire?” Turning around to face her, my lower back now against the edge of the counter. 

“Jamie, can I ask you something?” 

She replaces her hands on my chest, pulling herself closer. With her pelvis pushing up against my crotch, instantly, my body reacting to the sensation. 

I was appalled by the woman pushed up against me. Confused by the sudden closeness and touching I was receiving from her. Then I looked into her eyes and I saw it. 

The hunger and desire. _ Hormones.  _

She was wild when she was pregnant with Alex. Her raging hormones fueled some of the greatest sex we ever had. But that was then, when she knew who I was, and this is now. 

“Jamie, did you hear me?” 

I gulped. “Aye, of course. Ye can ask me anything.” 

She was up on her toes, her breath warm against my face. Locking her hands around my neck, her lips only inches away from mine.

My heart rate began to quicken. Blood throbbing in my veins causing my trousers to tighten. My entire body reacted immediately to her advances.

“Kiss me,” she whispers. 

I hesitate for a moment, trying to decide whether to do as she commands or hold back. 

I give her a soft kiss on her lips, pulling away after. I was trying my best not to encourage her. 

However, she had other plans. She responds rather aggressively, pulling my head down so she could capture my lips once again. Swiping her tongue on my lower lip asking for entrance, she slips it past my lips. 

She began rubbing her body against me, grinding on me as our tongues fought for dominance. 

I pull back. Shock splashing on her face, as we both try to catch our breath. My heart beating out of control, as my member throbbed in my trousers. 

“Jamie, I want you,” She begs, leaning in closer to me. 

“Sassenach, yer hormonal. Ye dinna really want me to bed ye. Yer not thinking straight. The hormones are like a drug or drink. Clouds yer mind and such.” 

She pouts; running her hands up and down my chest. I adjust myself, as I try to ignore the intensifying throbbing I felt below.

“Please, Jamie. I need you,” she begs again. 

I grab her hand as she tries to reach down my trousers. 

“Claire, no.” 

She kisses me again. Pulling my arms to wrap around her. The desire burning within me, longing to be satiated. 

_ You can't do this. Take advantage of her like this.  _

She moans as her hands roam my body. “What was our first time together like?” I heard her question, pulling me out of my thoughts as my hand had begun to follow suit.

“The first time we made love?” I reply, taken aback. 

Her breath was hot on my cheek as she leans into my ear to whisper, “yes.”

“Weel…” I say, regaining my composure and turning us around to lift her onto the counter behind me, “ye drove me mad all night in the study hall. Every time ye got up and reached for another book, yer tight round arse peaked out of yer skirt.” 

She swatted at me playfully, and I move between her legs and pulling her tight against me, sliding my hands down to get a handful of the plump arse in question. Claire grinned like the devil and dug her heels into my lower back, grinding her hips. Bloody woman knew she was going to get what she wanted.

_ A bit of teasing surely isna taking advantage,  _ I thought to myself. Trying to justify my sudden change in behavior. 

Her mouth was back on mine. She bit my bottom lip, drawing a little blood. 

“Who made the first move?” She asks against my mouth.

I pull back, licking my bleeding lip. I look at her and she had the biggest smirk on her face. A look that sends me over the edge. 

“I had to touch ye, Sassenach.” I reply, moving my hand slowly up the silky soft skin of her inner thigh. I felt her gasp and watch her mouth fall open.

“I had to know what sounds I could bring out of ye.”

She loosens the knot in her robe, allowing the sides to fall open, baring herself to me. I brush my nose against her temple ever so lightly, taking in the scent of her as my hand continues upwards. Reaching my destination, I ran my finger against the lace of her knickers. Claire’s breathing hitched.

“Where did you tou– touch m– e,” Claire pants out.

I place a kiss on the side of her neck, and trailed my tongue up behind her ear as I push the knickers to the side, allowing myself more access, and whispered in her ear.

“Right here.” 

Feeling her slick and wet, I slowly slid a digit inside.

“You break my heart, Claire, wi’ wanting ye,” I mumble as I slowly pump my finger in and out, then adding another. “I’ve never been able to deny ye anything. And I know ye need relief, so perhaps I can give it to ye another way... If yer sure…” I continue.

“Jamie, please. Don’t stop, please.”

I pull back a bit to see her face screwed up in concentration and snickered quietly. 

“Christ, you’re lovely, Claire,” I state simply, trailing kisses down her neck and chest. “I’ll make ye feel good, mo ghràidh.”

I drop to my knees, hiking both her legs on my shoulders, as Claire opens her eyes and looks directly into mine, spreading her arms out on the counter. The intensity of the look she was giving me was almost too much. She looked beautiful splayed out in front of me. I look skyward saying a prayer that I would be able to keep myself under control. This was for her relief and nothing more. Although I was relishing in the chance to worship the woman I love, my wife, this way.

“Close your eyes, Sassenach. I’ve got ye.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading and I hope you enjoyed this new chapter! This was essentially a set up chapter for what is to come. Strap in because the next couple of chapters will take you for a ride. I hope your ready!!!


	11. Eye of The Storm Pt I

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> An unexpected event put both Claire and Jamie to the test in ways neither of them ever expected.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to my wonderful betas! And I am sorry for the long wait but here is a new chapter. Its a long one for you all. I hope you enjoy and thank you for reading!!

**_*Two months later*_ **

“Good morning, sunshine. All ready to go.” I say sarcastically. 

Sending a menacing look my way, “Pipe down lad it's too early.” A tired Claire stomps down the stairs, donning her least favorite trousers that have the elastic waist. 

I chuckle, holding her coat open for her. 

“Where’s Alex?” She asks, placing her arms into the sleeves. 

“In the kitchen with Marsali eating his breakfast. We have to go Sassenach or weel be late.” 

Exhaling dramatically, “Fine, let me go kiss him bye.” 

After giving Alex a quick kiss and leaving the usual directions to Marsali, we made our way to the practice for Claire’s monthly prenatal visit. She was now 6 months along; the bairn growing strong, frequently active every day. 

My heart lifted every appointment I accompanied her to. From hearing the bairn’s heartbeat to the doctor confirming the bairn was healthy. 

“I’m starving.” She complains. 

“Ye will be fed after yer blood is drawn. We can get one of those breakfast sandwiches from Pret across the street from the practice.” I retort annoyingly. 

“Fine, but you know I get a headache when I go long without eating.” 

Changing the subject as we pull into the carpark, “So Sassenach, do ye want to find out? Boy or girl? The doctor mentioned we could at your last appointment.”

“I don't know. I haven't thought about it. Did we find out with Alex?” 

“Aye. Ye were impatient and wanted to know as soon as possible.” 

I remembered that moment well. The pride and elated joy I felt bursting within me upon hearing the doctor utter the words, ‘congratulations you're having a boy.’

“I don’t know...” She pauses unbuckling her seatbelt. 

“I think I want to wait, until the baby’s born.”

“Ye do?” I question, shocked by her decision.

“Yes, do you mind?” 

“No, of course not. If ye want to wait then we can.” I kiss the back of her hand with a smile. 

Our relationship had grown over the past few months, our children bringing us closer together in ways unforeseen. Slowly small facets of her memory were returning to her, but still, she struggled to remember anything substantial from our life in those 2 years before her accident. 

After getting her blood drawn, a urine sample, and an ultrasound, the OB-GYN pulls us into his office. 

“Mrs. Fraser, how have you been feeling? Anything out of the ordinary or new to report?” 

“Nothing new, just the usual.” She states simply. 

“The scans show the baby is growing well and there appear to be no complications with him or her yet. However, some of your samples and vital signs resulted in some red flags.” 

“Red flags?” I repeat, reaching for her hand, interlocking our fingers. 

He nods. 

“Have you experienced an increase in feeling dizzy, headaches, or swelling in your hands or feet?” 

She shakes her head, “Some, but all of that is normal I thought.”

“Recently she's been complaining more about feeling dizzy and the headaches.” I pipe up.

Throwing a look my way, she rolls her eyes and refocuses back on what the doctor was saying to her.

Scribbling a note in Claire’s chart, he reveals, “Your blood pressure is high and there is protein in your urine. Now that you're well into your second trimester, I’m concerned there is a chance you could be suffering from a condition called Preeclampsia.” 

She squeezes my hand tightly, activating my innate calming technique: grazing my thumb on the back of her hand. My way of acknowledging I knew what she was feeling and thinking, but everything would be okay. 

“What is that? What causes it?” I ask, alarmed. 

“It's a dangerous condition characterized by high blood pressure. There is damage to your blood vessels, specifically the new blood vessels your body developed for the placenta.”

“The placenta? How is there damage there when ye said the bairn is fine? Could this be due to her accident?”

“Multiple factors play a key role in a condition such as this. The accident could have factored into the manifestation but then there's your son. His first birthday isn't for some weeks, multiple pregnancies close together have proven to play a small role as well.”

“Management of my blood pressure could limit this condition from becoming serious surely? Medications?” Her voice stern and matter of fact; she was tapping into her own medical skill, compartmentalization. 

Meanwhile, none of this made sense to me. Just a jumble of medical jargon. The only thing I could comprehend is the fact that Claire and our child were in danger. 

“There are not any specific medications that you can take without any harm coming to the baby. Typically, mothers who suffer from preeclampsia, have a cesarean section or labor induction once it's safe for the baby to be born, around 34-37 weeks.”

“Based on your recent history I am going to suggest frequent bed rest and managing your stress levels and your diet. Do you have a BP cuff at home? If not, I highly suggest you purchase one, it's not too expensive. You need to try to take your blood pressure at least 3-5 times daily. I want to see you back here in two weeks, we need to monitor you frequently for the remainder of your pregnancy. I will have one of the medical assistants give you some paperwork that lists out some dietary options and recommendations.”

“I know you are no idle woman, Mrs. Fraser, but rest is essential and crucial right now.”

“Thank ye, Doctor.” 

“Of course, one of my nurses will be in shortly.”

Claire was silent on the drive home, behind her eyes I could see she was thinking. Pensive and serious, her eyebrows furrow as she stares out the window. Her silence was the biggest red flag of all, this condition was serious. 

When we get home, we relieve Marsali from her babysitting duties. 

“She said he didn’t give her any issues. He’s been a good lad this morning.”

Claire settles herself on the sofa, putting her feet up and leaning back. Hands cupping her stomach, I grab the tartan blanket from the back of the sofa and place it on her lap.

“Sassenach, I’m going to run quickly to the grocers and pick up a few items. We must get ye eating healthier. And I will get one of those blood pressure monitors from the pharmacy too. We will have you right as rain in no time. Is there anything else ye need?”

She shook her head, her eyes watering. 

I get on my knees, meeting her at eye level; leaning on the edge of the sette. 

“Claire, everything will be alright, dinna fash.” I thumb a tear as it escapes from her eyes and caress my hand on her flushed cheek. 

“Jamie, preeclampsia can be serious. What if… something goes wrong or…. something happens to me or the baby?”

The thought of losing them both makes my veins go cold. I already had to face the thought of losing Claire, not too long ago. I don’t think my heart could handle something like that again. 

“Ye canna think like that Sassenach. Ye and the bairn will be safe and healthy. Our lass or laddie will be here soon, keeping us both up all night the same way Alex did.”

I quickly glance at Alex, sitting behind me on his playmat, trying to stuff his fist into his mouth. Blissfully ignorant of his parents’ current distress. 

She lets out a teary laugh. 

“I’m going to take him with me, so ye can get some rest. We willna be long.” I place a delicate kiss on her soft lips and without hesitation, she kisses me back. 

When we both pull away, I am struck by her smile and her bonny face. Her cheeks and lips were fuller, with the edges of her face emitting a radiant glow. I kiss her again quickly, before her eyes go wide as she looks past me over my shoulder. 

“Jamie look, he’s standing!” 

Whipping my head around, Alex was standing on his wee legs, shaky and unstable, looking at the both of us. He claps his hands and grabs his tee-shirt, before gravity pulls him down. 

His bottom hits the ground and he furrows his brows, then he laughs and looks at Claire and I. 

“He’s going to start walking soon, I can feel.” She beams, giggling.

“Going to be even more of a terror when that day comes.”

“Come on laddie, let's find your missing sock and go to the grocers for yer Mama.” I scoop him up with one arm.

Bringing him closer to Claire, “Wave bye and give yer Mam a kiss.”

She kisses his cheek, and he flashes her his wee front teeth, with a smile. 

He points at her and says confidently, “Mama.” 

“Yes baby, that’s me.” She kisses him again on the tip of his nose. 

“Show off why don't ye,” I say, jealousy ringing in my voice. 

Alex had mastered two words recently and neither of them being Da. 

“Hurry back you two!” She calls out. 

Days went by as we established a new routine. I constantly had to battle a stubborn and strong-willed Claire on the food she ate and her being up and about rather than resting. 

“I’ve been  _ resting _ all day, I want some fresh air. Just a small walk outside would do me some good. And I want to eat something that actually tastes good, I want to eat my ranch dressing. I’m tired of you micromanaging me.” She rants angrily. 

Thin lipped, I quickly retort, “Sassenach, it's a little after noon. Ye havena been resting  _ all day _ . And Ranch dressing has too much sodium, not healthy for ye, as expected given its popularity in the states.” 

“I want to go for a walk, look at how sunny it is outside. The last time I checked exercise and Vitamin D was good for me.” 

Crossing her arms, resting them on her growing belly, giving me a look she knew I couldn't resist. 

“20 minutes and that's it. I’m supposed to visit Ian in a few hours.” 

“Fine.” 

After about 15 minutes of getting both Claire and Alex ready, we take a walk in our neighborhood. Alex, comfortable as I push him in his pushchair; his feet almost touching the ground. I notice Claire clutching her lower back, slightly grimacing. 

"Claire, are ye well? What's the matter?" 

"I'm fine, Jamie." 

"Sassenach, talk to me. What's wrong wi' ye?"

“Ask me again and I'm going to suffocate you in your sleep tonight. I’m not an invalid. I'm. Fine.” 

“Alright woman, dinna need to be so aggressive Sassenach.” 

“I’m annoyed. I’m walking home. Go visit Ian.” Pushing me out of the way, she turns Alex’s pushchair around. Heading towards the direction we came from. 

“Claire!”

I caught up with her, “I’m sorry. I just want ye to look after yourself. I only want to protect ye both.”

“I understand that. And I appreciate you for caring so deeply but it’s too much sometimes. Alex and I will be fine on our own for a few hours, go visit Ian and send him my love.” 

After a rather somber visit with Ian, I return home. Tired and worn out from the upsetting discussion I had with Ian. He had mentally checked out since he found out about his leg. 

“Jamie!! Is that you?? Come quick! He’s doing it!!!” Claire yells from the living room. 

Dropping my keys and coat on the floor near the front door, I race into the living room to find a wobbly almost 11-month-old Alex standing up on his own. He threw a glance at me before turning his attention back to his mother.

My hands fumbling to take out my phone to capture this moment.

“Come on darling, come here,” Claire calls him, arms open.

He wobbles, throwing his arms out as he tries to gain his balance, taking one step towards her. Concentration written on his face, his bare foot taking a second step. Then, another before Claire catches him as he stumbles into her hands. 

“Good job, sweetheart, you did it.” She’s grinning from ear to ear, kissing his cheek and his brow.

Pointing at me, “Can you walk to Dada now mhm?” 

I put my phone down, and move a few paces opposite of her and kneel down.

“Come on Ruiadh, ye can do it.” 

Claire turns him around, he screws up his face and observes the distance. He takes two small steps towards me. His legs tremble terribly as he fights against his worst enemy: gravity. 

Taking a third step, he fumbles into my hands. Claire laughs and Alex claps his hands, excited from the sheer joy of his latest accomplishment.

We had been on watch, both of us could feel he would start walking soon. Ever since he had started standing briefly on his own days ago. 

“Clever laddie, going to be into everything now.” 

In a matter of minutes, he drops to sit on his bottom, as a toy catches his attention. His new skill is momentarily forgotten, as he crawls at lightning speed towards the toy. 

I chuckle and shake my head at him before turning towards Claire. 

“Claire? Are ye alright?” I ask, seeing tears rolling down her cheek. 

She nods. 

“Is this the crying thing?”

She nods again, sniffing. 

“He’s getting to be such a big boy now.” Her bottom lip trembling. 

“Aye. He’s growing. Sassenach, how did ye get down there?” 

She was sitting on the living room floor, her legs open out in front of her. Blowing her nose on a handkerchief, “I honestly don’t remember.” 

“I told ye to stop doing such things. Why aren't you resting on the sofa?” 

I shake my head and bend down, wrapping my arm around her wide lower back. She grabs a hold of my biceps as I carefully bring her up onto her feet. Dropping a kiss on her forehead.

“Thank you. And I’m tired of resting.” She says, smoothing her shirt down over her growing baby bump. 

“What do ye want to eat for dinner? I could make something.” 

Massaging her fingers on the sides of her temple, alerting me she must have a headache and needs her BP checked.

She frowns, “I think not. I don't know if my stomach can handle your cooking tonight. Let’s get pizza.”

“Pizza? We had that 2 times last week. Ye need to eat something healthier, aye. And we need to check yer blood pressure, where's your monitor?” 

“I’ll let you pick half of the toppings this time.” Increasing the volume in her voice, ignoring my question. 

“Sassenach, ye cant keep eating pizza all the time. Ye need more things with protein and veggies. Where’s your monitor?”

“You can put all those things on pizza and I can't remember right now.” She shrugs, her hand rubbing her lower back. 

“No. Pick something else,” I order her, and walk away to search the bathroom then guest room for her BP monitor.

I pause for a moment trying to think where she would have placed this monitor. Her pregnancy brain had all types of objects scattered in the weirdest places. 

I comb through the drawers of her nightstand, starting at the bottom, in search of the monitor. 

“Please.” She begs, standing in the doorway. Alex standing by her, holding on tightly to her pants. 

“Sassenach, no.” I affirm.

I open the top drawer to the nightstand, and there it was. 

“Found it.” 

Picking up the monitor, something underneath catches my eyes. 

“Claire,” I say softly. 

“I want pizza for dinner, this isn't up for discussion anymore.” 

I ignore her protests, and look through the small apology notes I had written her. 

“Claire, ye kept these?”

“Kept what? Are you even listening to me?” 

I walk over to her and hold up the small notes. 

She looks down at them before meeting my eyes, taking them from my hands. 

“You found my stash I see.” She says jokingly, Alex tugs on her pants, holding his arms up. To his displeasure, I reach down to pick him up instead of her. 

“I thought ye would have thrown these away.” 

“I like to look at them sometimes.” She shrugs, walking over to put them back in their place. 

“Why?” 

“I can't say right now but I promise to tell you soon.” The tone in her voice, revealing she meant the words she spoke. 

“I want pizza and it's the least you can do for me as I’m carrying a little human.” She rants, eyes watering. 

She knows how to get her way; knowing I hate to see her cry or upset. 

I pause for a moment, trying to muster up the courage to tell her no. Her big round eyes staring at me and her lower lip forms a slight pout. 

“Fine. I will order the pizza, but after this no pizza for a long time. And I'm making sure the dough is whole grain with veggie toppings only.”

“You know I hate whole grain, it's nasty.” 

“Do ye want pizza or no?” 

“Fine, but I am putting ranch on it and I don’t give a fig whether you care or not.” 

After placing the pizza order, Claire and I relax on the sofa. Throwing her swollen feet in my lap, she kneads her lower back again. 

“How was Ian today?”

“Much the same, he was asking after ye.”

I continue, “Jenny canna get him to leave or go anywhere. He sits there in the bed and that room all day long. He talked to me for a time, complained about the prosthetic they gave him. But, Jenny said he refuses to go in to get fitted for a proper one.” 

“Poor Ian.” 

“I’ll go see him again soon in a couple of days. Try to talk some sense into him. It's been months now.”

Kneading my thumbs into the sole of her left swollen foot, she moans. 

“Jamie, it's only been two months or so. Give him some more time. Maybe I could go with you to see him again.”

I exhale and nod. 

I was worried about Ian. Replaying our conversation we had earlier in my head. He told me of the way he felt; like he was less of a man. I came to the realization that if I were to lose a limb, I would see myself as less than. 

It wasn’t long till our pizza arrives. I get Alex into his highchair, as Claire pours  some ranch dressing on her plate and dips a slice of pizza in it. 

It was the most grotesque thing I've ever seen someone eat. I didn't know what was worse: the ranch dressing or the ketchup. 

Intermittently, handing Alex a small piece of pizza between her own bites.

He takes it from her hand, bobbing his head from side to side. Cheesing with his unchewed food in his mouth.

She scrunches her nose at him and laughs. His greedy and grubby hands reach for the piece of doughy crust she has in her hand.

“Alex look at me, can you say ‘more’. Mhmm, Alex look say  _ more _ .”

He claps his hands and simultaneously responds, “No.”

I chuckle and she shoots me a look.

Claire’s attempts to teach Alex a few words had been staggeringly unsuccessful. Although a few weeks ago he mastered the words ‘Mama’ and ‘no’ that was the extent of his vocabulary.

“Alex, look at me. More. Do you want more?”

“Mama.” He pipes up confidently, pointing at her.

“Yes, that’s me, darling. But, say more.”

Stretching his arm trying to reach for the pizza in her hand, he repeats, “No.”

“Oh lovey, what am I going to do with you?” She says sweetly, handing him the piece of pizza and ruffling his hair.

“At least he calls you Mama. He refuses to acknowledge my existence.” 

“Alex, look, this is Da. Can ye say Da?” She suggests pointing at me.

“No.” He says rather clearly. 

Pointing at myself, I request, “Lad, ye know me. I’m Da, can ye say that? Da.” 

“No.”

“Da.” I sound out slowly, still pointing at myself.

“Mama?” He smiles pointing at Claire. 

“You see, I'm a stranger to my own son.”

She giggles, shaking her head at me.

“Sounding out D is much harder than M. He will get it eventually.”

Wiping his messy hands on his shirt, Alex takes a sip of water from his beaker. 

“He will get it soon, we have to keep trying.”

Giving her a ‘hmph’.

Using a wet flannel, Claire wipes Alex's dirty hands and greasy face. He twists and turns his head, trying to dodge her attempts to clean him up.

“We should get him washed up and ready for bed. It's getting close to his bedtime.” Standing up, she winces slightly and her hand grabs her lower back again.

“Claire, you’ve been grabbing your back all day. What’s happened?”

“I’m fine, back pain is normal at this stage.”

Pulling him from his highchair, I stare at her and decide not to push the issue further.

After a messy bath and some wrestling into his elephant nighty, the both of us wrangles him into his cot. Both of us kissing his forehead and wishing him sweet dreams. 

"I'll get the kitchen while you get the bathroom? Mhmm?" She suggests us tackling the messes Alex made. She so tired and depleted, I could sense she was in pain. 

“I’ll go clean up in the bathroom and the kitchen, ye go lay down.” Dropping a kiss on her forehead, she doesn't protest.

Wiping off the table and throwing our leftover pizza into the refrigerator, I proceed to clean up the mess Alex made in the bathroom. He had splashed water everywhere, the floor soaked. His small bath toys thrown from the bathtub, scattered on the floor. 

When I was all finished with cleaning for the night, I walk into our bedroom to find Claire laying on her side with the duvet tight around her body. Claire had begun sleeping next to me most nights, in our room, but some nights when she felt our room was too hot she slept in the guest room downstairs. 

“I’m glad we got him settled and he’s already asleep. Yesterday he was up for a verra long time babbling to himself on the monitor.” I exhale, changing into my pyjamas and grabbing the blood pressure monitor. 

She smiles slightly, pushing the duvet down, so she could sit up.

“That was rather sweet.” 

Exposing her right arm, I wrap the monitor around it. Grabbing my wee book, I scribble the date and time. 

“Claire, are ye not feeling well. Do ye have a headache?”

“My head is throbbing and my back hurts, but I'm sure I'm just tired.” 

The monitor beeps, generating a reading. My heart skips a beat, when I look down at the numbers.

“Claire, 130/80. That’s high.” 

“Jamie, it'll go down once I get some sleep. Nothing to be too concerned about. Believe me, everything's okay.” She kisses me quickly and settles herself laying down on her side. Her stomach protruding, poking out at the bottom of her shirt. 

I scribble down the numbers and try to reassure myself that she was right. The medical expert/nurse surely knew about these sorts of things. But, I still had this nagging feeling something wasn't quite right.

Peeling the duvet back, I climb into bed next to her, laying flat on my back, so she could curl close to me and lay head on my shoulder. Her leg settles between my legs as her hands grab a hold of my arm. 

I smooth down her curls, kissing her warm forehead delicately. Breathing in the scent of her and basking in the warmth her body was radiating against me. 

“Jamie, is this what we were like the last time? With Alex?” She asks randomly, sleep in her voice. 

Rubbing my hand on her arm, I inquire, “When ye were pregnant with him, do ye mean?”

“Yes.”

“Aye, it was something similar to this.”

She looks up at me, silent for a moment before admitting, “I’ve been able to push the feeling away. Not think about it too much. But sometimes I find it difficult…” 

“The lack of memories?” I inquire, looking down at her.

Tears forming in her eyes, “Yes. I want to remember. I want to remember all of it. Him as a newborn, you and I getting married. Our engagement. Me telling you about Alex. I just want those missing two years to come back to me. Forgotten memories lost inside my mind like a puzzle with missing pieces. Jamie, it's been over 4 months now since my accident. I don't think it will ever return at this point. I’m sorry.”

Her eyelashes wet, tears accrue on the small hairs. 

“Mo nighean donn, ye have nothing to apologize for. This is not your fault and ye canna think like this. Yer tired, stop worrying about this. Your memory will come back in time, have faith.”

“And what if it doesn't? Will you be able to accept that? Accept me?”

“Of course. Yer my wife, I love you and I won't live without you. That is of course if yer willing to stay married to me.” 

“I haven’t decided that part yet.” She responds, playfulness in her tone. 

“Ye haven’t? What must I do to persuade ye?” 

“For starters, you can shut your trap next time I want to eat my ranch dressing and more pizza.” 

I laugh, c aressing my hand on her stomach. 

“I canna make any promises on that one, Sassenach.” 

She sniffs and laughs. I flick off the light.

“I love ye Sassenach.”

“I know.” She says, kissing my lips. 

It wasn't long before we fell asleep, holding on to one another. 

Hours pass by before I am awoken abbruptly.

“Jamie. Jamieeee...” 

Startling me awake. I open and blink my eyes; Claire was standing before me clutching her stomach with both hands. The moonlight shining through the windows, casting a dim light across her face. 

“Sassenach, what’s wrong?” Groggy, I sit up in bed, blinking repeatedly, trying to clear my blurred vision. 

“Jamie...” She inhales aggressively as her face contorts with pain. Her hands flailing in search of me in the dark. 

Jumping out of bed, I flick on the light.

“Oh, God.” 

My heart pounding in my chest at the sight of her. A deep brownish red stain bright against the delicate blue nightie she was wearing. The red fluid running down her legs, accumulating at her swollen ankles. 

Her face, a deep scarlet, as she groans, with her fingernails digging into my forearms. Placing her damp forehead against my chest, she's hit with wave after wave of pain.

Looking down small red droplets leak from her womb; dripping and soaking the carpet beneath our feet.

“Jamie...” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks again to everyone for reading and for putting up with my rough grammar!! The next chapter coming soon, hoping to post again next week. Let me know in the comments section your favorite part of this chapter!! <3


	12. Eye of The Storm Pt II

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> An unexpected event puts both Claire and Jamie to the test in ways neither of them ever expected.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to my betas for helping get this chapter together. I appreciate them tremendously. I hope you enjoy! Its an intense chapter.

“Jamie. Jamieeee...” 

Startling me awake. I open my eyes; standing before me was Claire clutching her stomach with both hands. The moonlight shining through the windows, casting a dim light across her face. 

“Sassenach, what’s wrong?” Groggy, I sit up in bed, blinking to clear my blurry vision. 

“Jamie, baby...” She sobs as her face contorts with pain. Her hands flailing in search of me in the dark. 

I throw the duvet off me, and flick on the light. 

My heart pounding in my chest at the sight of her. Her sweaty face red from the strain of breathing through the pain. There’s a huge bloodstain on her nightgown, with narrow streams of blood running down her legs, accumulating at her swollen ankles. 

“Oh God.” I utter.

Another contraction hits her as she grips my forearms, trembling. 

“Jamie...the baby’s coming now. It's too soon, I--” She cries. 

“Sassenach, did yer waters come?”

“Yes.” She answers, annoyingly tight-lipped at my apparent idiotic question.

The contraction intensifies as blood drips down her legs simultaneously. Panic sets in me, staring at Claire unable to think clearly on what to do. 

“Jamie.” She grunts. 

Squeezing my forearms, she places her forehead against my chest. Smearing her tears and sweat into my shirt. 

“Sassenach, look at me. Breathe, ye have to breathe. I’m here mo chridhe.” 

She looks up at me and attempts to breathe steadily.

I pry one of her hands off my arm and grab my phone. Quickly dialing 999 and turning on the speaker, I toss my phone on the nightstand. Claire quickly grips my arm once again.

Not giving the operator a chance to ask who it was or what's the emergency.

_ “Hello. This--”  _

“My wife is in labor, she is bleeding and she is only 24 weeks. She needs medical assistance ASAP.” 

_ “I will connect you now, please hold sir.”  _

_ “Emergency services.”  _

Shouting out our address and our names, I grab Claire by the hips aiding her as she settles on the bed and throw a few pillows behind her back.

“Jamie, it's too soon. The baby won't survive if it comes now. It's too soon.” Claire pants. 

My mind is unable to comprehend all that is happening; Claire is only 24 weeks and I fear for her and the bairn. Not to mention, I had no idea how to deliver a baby. 

“Jamie. I’m scared.” She sobs, her hand on her forehead. 

“I’m here mo nighean donn. I'm here. I willna leave ye. Help is coming.”

_ “I dispatched the paramedics they are on the way. Before they arrive, you will need water, flannels, a blanket and you need to go leave the front door unlocked for the paramedics.”  _

“Aye.” 

Moving as fast as I could, frantically searching and gathering the items the operator listed. Claire’s screams echo throughout the house urging me to quicken my pace so I could return to her. 

_ “Hello, sir are you still there?” _

“Yes. What do I do next?” I answer out of breath after running up the stairs. 

Claire squeezes her eyes shut, another contraction assaulting her. 

_ “Can you tell me how far apart the contractions are?” _

“A little less than a few minutes apart I think, I don't know, she's in pain.” 

_ “Sir, I need you to time the interlude between her next contraction.”  _

Claire grips my arms, her fingernails digging into my forearms as the contraction fades. I stare at the clock at the top of my phone screen. 

Quickly glancing at Claire, who is profusely sweating. Her hair damp, curls clinging to the sides of her face and the back of her neck. I encourage her to breathe. 

One minute passes.

Then another. 

Claire cries out, “Oh God. Jamie, make it stop. Help me.” 

“Two minutes; it's two minutes between contractions,” I yell towards my phone. 

Wiping her face with a flannel, I smooth back her hair. Sitting on the edge of the bed at her side, I place my forehead to hers and encourage her to breathe. 

“Shhh i’m here mo ghraidh. Breathe.” 

_ “Sir, her contractions are really close. You need to check and see if the baby is coming. Determine the body presentation.”  _

“What?” 

Claire motions for me to get her knickers off. I stare at her; eyes wide with horror. Shaking my head. 

“Where are the paramedics? They need to come fast. I dinna ken what I’m doing.” 

_ “Help is on the way, but I need you to focus. I hear your wife breathing and panting, keep encouraging her to do that.”  _

I stand up and freeze. Claire’s chest heaving, her damp nightgown clinging to her breasts. Her hand clutching her lower back. 

She opens her eyes, and stares at me. Tears splash from her wet eyelashes. Anguish and trepidation etched on her face, mouthing the words ‘I’m scared’. I cup my hand on her cheek and snap myself out of my own fear. She needs me more than ever right now, to be strong for her, I thought to myself. 

Climbing into the bed, on my knees, my trembling hands hike up Claire’s nightgown and remove her knickers. 

Opening her legs wide, I quickly glance and shake my head. 

“I canna do this, I canna deliver this bairn--Where are the damn medics.”

_ “The paramedics are 6 minutes out. Are the contractions closer together?” _

Another contraction hits Claire, as she cries out. Confirming the contractions are indeed closer together. 

Taking a deep breath I put my shaky hands on Claire’s knees. Looking to see if I could see anything; the head or a limb, anything that resembles a body part. 

“Jamie...” Her breathing irregular as she reaches for me. Sweat gleaming on her forehead and rolling down her cheeks, mixing with the tears that drip from her eyes. 

_ “Sir, your wife’s contractions are close together. The paramedics are on the way but you might have to deliver the baby if it comes too fast.” _

_ “When the next contraction comes, your wife needs to push.” _

“I don't want to push. It's too soon.” 

“Claire, look at me. The bairn is coming, ye canna stop it. Ye must push, ye have to push.” 

“I’m scared. I can't do this.”

“I know yer scared, I’m scared too. But yer strong Sassenach, ye can do it. I willna leave ye, I’m here.”

As the next contraction comes, her scream rips through the room. It was a miracle Alex hadn't woken up yet. 

“Sassenach, push.” 

Gripping the sheets, she pushes. 

I stare closely, and realize I see something. A foot, that’s what I think I was seeing.

“I think I see a foot.”

A gush of blood and thick fluid comes pouring out of her, as I gently guide a wee foot out. 

The bairn’s foot, no bigger than the length of my index finger. 

“Sassenach, keep going.” 

Ignoring the horror and terror I feel at what I was witnessing, I gently tug on the other foot. My heart pounding in my chest as my pulse throbs in my ears. 

Claire collapses back against the pillows, as I palm the wee bairns' calves in one of my hands. The translucent skin, pale with a white fluid like substance covering the feet. 

“Yer doing well Sassenach, almost there.” 

A moment later, another contraction comes, as I encourage Caire to push again.

“Push Sassenach, push.” 

She weakly shakes her head, her breathing rapid and irregular. 

“Sassenach, I'm holding the bairn’s legs in my hands, he’s here ye canna stop now. Ye can do this, push as hard as ye can.” 

Blood clinging to my hands and arms. Claire opens her red-puffy eyes and begins to push, grunting. 

“Keep going Sassenach, the legs are out. Her--yes, it's a lass--left arm is out.” Blinking away the tears filling in my eyes. 

I have a daughter! We have a daughter!

I reach into the birth canal to maneuver the other arm out, but it wouldn't budge. Claire screams, confirming the other arm is stuck. 

Claire seizes her pushing, her entire body trembling. The baby is face down in my right hand, her wee bum facing me. 

I hear the paramedics rush into the room, ripping open their bags. Grabbing medical equipment and supplies, things I couldn't identify if I tried. 

“Thank Christ you're here. The legs are out and one of her arms is out. But, I think her other arm is stuck.” I motion for one of the paramedics to switch places with me, feeling relieved. 

“No sir, don’t move, we need you to stay there. Is the cord stuck?”

“I—I dinna ken. She’s face down in my hand.” 

One of the paramedics moves to my side, trying to look at the baby’s position. The other one goes to Claire’s side. Wiping her face, he introduces himself as Angus and begins checking her vitals. 

Grabbing a flannel, the other paramedic, wraps it around my daughter. 

He looks at his partner and says, “We have a body presentation with an arm and head still inside. Appears to be stuck by the shoulders.” 

He shifts his tone and looks at Claire, “Ma’am, my name is Rupert. Your baby is pale, which means we need to get blood flow through the umbilical cord. I am going to reach inside your vagina and try to create a canal for the umbilical cord. I’m going to coach your husband here to help get this baby out.” 

Looking at me, she nods her head. She was weakening; I could see in her eyes she was beginning to fade, battling exhaustion. 

Rupert puts on gloves and some type of gel on his fingers. 

Turning to look towards me he explains, “The baby is stuck by the shoulders, on the next push you have to try to maneuver that other arm out. If the arm does not come out… you will need to put your finger on the rib cage of the stuck arm and slide your fingers up until you feel the clavicle and push firmly on it until it breaks--” 

Horrified by this suggestion, “What!?!” 

He continues, “It's very common when a baby is stuck, but we won't have to come to that if we can get this arm out.”

As another contraction comes crashing down on Claire, like a wave against a rock, Rupert reaches inside. Claire screams, as Rupert finds the cord, and looks at me, “I feel the cord, it's not wrapped around the baby’s neck, which is good. But it was wedged between the shoulder and your wife’s pubic bone. Claire, I need you to push.” 

I look at Claire and nod at her to push. I steady my shaky hands and stick my left hand inside Claire trying to feel around for the other arm. Passing Rupert’s hands as he tries to protect the cord. 

My fingers trace the outlines of the baby’s upper back, then I feel it, her shoulder against her mother’s pubic bone. No wonder, Claire was screaming, my own body aching at the thought of the pain she must be feeling. 

“I feel the shoulder and the arm is... its..” I tug delicately, trying to get her wee arm out of her mother. My fingers wet and slipping on the arm, I continue to tug; being gentle and careful. Our daughter’s arm is so small, no bigger than the length of my fingers. If I pull too hard I could possibly break her arm. 

Using just slightly more force, I pull on the baby’s arm again and again.

Claire screams out, the sounds of her cries rippling through the room as her body raises off the bed. My heart tearing open at the fact I was hurting her. Then, one last pull, “It's out. I got it. I’m so sorry Sassenach. Her arm is out.” 

Rupert is grimacing to my right side, as his fingers are maintaining blood flow to the cord. Whatever he was doing was working because the bairn’s wee arm appears to be a nice healthy pink color. 

Claire has made long scratch marks up and down Angus’ arms. My unsteady hands were gripping the baby’s small body; up to my elbows with blood and various other fluids I didn't know.

All of us, anxious, and breathing heavily, looking at one another. 

Rupert encourages Claire, “One more hard push on this next contraction, and this baby will be out. You're doing bloody brilliantly, almost there.”

“And you. You’re doing well too! I don’t want to remove my fingers, she’s a micro-preemie and the cord is crucial. So, I need you to get a finger into the baby’s mouth and tuck her chin to her chest. Twist slightly to get her wedged shoulders out. Do you think you can do that?”

I nod. Adrenaline coursing through my veins, with only one thought in my mind.  _ Get this baby out as soon and quickly as I can. For both my daughter and my wife’s sake.  _

A final contraction begins and Claire lays there, fatigue overpowering her. 

“Sassenach, push.”

She shook her head. Her arms, hands, knees, and thighs trembling. 

“Sassenach, just one more push. Just one more and it will be over. Please.” I beg her. 

Her voice raspy and low, her chin trembling, “I can’t, Jamie.”

“Claire, look at me. Ye can, one more push and it will be done. You want to hold our daughter, get her to the hospital, Aye? Please.” 

She closes her eyes momentarily, more tears spilling as she takes a few deep breaths. 

Swallowing her sobs, she opens her eyes and grunts. Pushing with her remaining strength. 

I reach back inside her; my fingers brushing against the back of the baby’s head. 

Rupert coaches, “Once you feel the head, finger in the mouth. Tuck the chin.”

My fingers brush against the baby’s cheek, feeling her wee nose then her lips. I push a small fraction of my finger into her mouth and try to push her head down, pushing her chin against her chest. 

Claire continues to push as I guide the baby out. 

“Keep. Pushing. Sassenach.” 

My finger in the baby’s mouth trying to do exactly as I had been instructed to. Slightly twisting the baby, so her shoulders are no longer wedged against her mother’s pelvis. 

Finally, with a gush of blood and fluid, the last of the baby’s body slides out. 

My shaky hands holding my daughter. I breathe deeply, smiling and crying all at once. Thanking God the birth is over with and both mother and child were alive. 

The bairn is so small, no bigger than my hand; weighing no more than one kilogram. She has the tiniest wisps of what I think is copper hair, like her brother’s, on her wee head. 

Rupert clamps the umbilical cord and cuts it, as I wrap the bairn up in another flannel. Blinking away my tears, I look up, “Sassenach, we have a daughter. She’s alive and so beautiful, wee but perfect.” 

Laughing slightly with tears in my eyes I see a faint smile on Claire’s lips. 

Looking back down at our daughter’s angelic face, I hold her close to my chest. Staring intently, examining every detail of her small form. 

“Sir, we need to get them both to the hospital now. Your wife will need assistance getting the afterbirth out.” 

Rupert takes the baby from me. Him and Angus working on getting the baby ready for transport, monitoring her heartbeat. 

I go to stand at Claire’s side, “Sassenach.” 

Her chest not rising up and down. 

“She’s not breathing.”

“Claire. Claire.” I repeat, shaking her. Gripping her face in my hands, her eyes closed. 

Angus rushes to Claire’s side, opening her eyelids before checking her pulse.

As the world slows around me, Alexander’s cries begin to ring in my ears. Almost as if he woke up because he could sense his mother slipping away. 

Claire lays there unresponsive; blood seeping from her womb, soaking the sheets. 

“Weak pulse, vaginal hemorrhage. Beginning compressions.” 

Rupert places the baby in my hands to help Angus. “We need to transport them now.” 

I stand at the foot of the bed. Watching as the paramedics attempt to keep my wife alive. Holding our premature daughter close to my chest as our son’s cries rise in volume. My body goes numb as my heart begins to shatter. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading!!! Much more to come!


	13. Always Remember Us This Way

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Claire has an out of body experience.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here is the next chapter!!!! Again I am so sorry for the long wait. After some rewrites and changes I feel so good about this one! I need to thank all my betas, especially one in particular who is sick but still wanted to help me edit. 
> 
> Thank you for the support and I hope you enjoy this chapter!!!!!

_ I thought I was dead. No, I knew I was dead the moment I opened my eyes. The world around me, a mixture of black and white; completely drained of color and life.  _

_ This was the afterlife. This was my ending.  _

_ Sitting up in a bed I did not recognize, my eyes roam the room. There is a floor-length mirror to the left of the bed, a large wooden wardrobe against the wall to the right of the mirror with clothes tossed around the floor. Also, to my right is a vanity with various personal grooming items scattered atop.  _

**_Where am I? What am I?_ ** __

_ I look at myself in the vanity mirror. My hair is wild; a single hair tie holds it together. I have on a clean nightgown, my stomach is flat and the rest of my body is in perfect order.  _

_ You're definitely dead, I think to myself.  _

_ “Damn it, where are they!?” A woman says, rushing into the room.  _

_ Startling me, I quickly jump off the bed, and wrap my arms around myself.  _

_ She hurriedly tears open the wardrobe in search of something.  _

_ Again I jump slightly when her phone chimes.  _

_ “Of course, the bloody man is early.” She says to herself.  _

_ Throwing her phone on the bed, she continues to throw around things in her wardrobe in search of an item.  _

_ “Aha.”  _

_ Hopping up with two matching black pumps in her hands, she puts them on and observes herself in the floor-length mirror. Her bright red dress bold against the grey-colored world that surrounds us. Her hair is a brown that is dark but still light enough that one could tell it was indeed brown. Simple stud earrings and a pendant necklace around her delicate neck, to finish off her look. _

_ A knock at the door startles us both. She turns, throwing a glance towards the bedroom door and I inhale loudly before clapping my hand over my mouth.  _

_ She is me. I am her. _

**_How could this be?_** **_Could she see me?_**

_ Slowly stepping closer to her, I examine the side of her face. She is younger, as there’s a youthfulness to her features and her demeanor. Her body is tight and everything perks up in the right places.  _

_ Another knock at the door breaks me from my serious examination of this woman before me.  _

_ Content with her appearance, she grabs her phone and leaves the bedroom. _

_ I stand there for a moment before deciding to rush after her.  _

_ “You're in a spirit realm of some sort. Just go with it for now.” I think to myself.  _

_ I weave my way through the hallways of her flat, and stop in my tracks when I see her open the front door.  _

_ Jamie. _

_ He stands before her, holding a bouquet of creamy white roses in his hands. Wearing a fitted black tailored suit, with a smile on his face, his auburn hair perfectly groomed. He shone, like a godly figure.  _

_ The roses are in a rectangular vase—because of course, he knew a vase would be the last item I— she would possess. He towers over her, even in her three-inch pumps, he is still so much taller with wide shoulders. _

_ She steps towards him, smiling and hugging him.  _

_ “Sassenach, ye look beautiful.”  _

_ Kissing her softly on the lips, she blushes and thanks him.  _

_ I feel slightly lightheaded with a flutter in my stomach, heat rising in my cheeks. _

_ She places the flowers on the living room table and places her arms in her coat that he holds open for her.  _

_ “So, will you finally tell me where you're taking me?” _

_ “Nice try, but it's a surprise Sassenach. Come let’s go.”  _

_ Before I have the chance to slip out the front door, he closes the door behind them. I stand there, inches away from the door staring at the doorknob.  _

**_Should I follow them?_ **

_ I reach to turn the doorknob then stop myself.  _

**_Can I touch things as a spirit or whatever I am?_ **

_ Using my index finger, I test out my abilities. Tapping the tip of my index finger on the doorknob. _

_ Taking a deep breath, I open the front door and freeze. _

**_Where am I now? What the hell is happening?_ **

_ On the other side of the threshold there’s an outdoor dining area with a curvy brick path.  _

_ Apprehensive, I step outside the door and follow the brick pathway. Passing by various couples at tables lining the pathway, their smiles and laughs radiating in the gray-toned world.  _

_ Continuing on the path, I search for them. My heart begins to beat erratically as emotion gets caught in my throat; nearing the end of the path I see them in the distance. _

_ Fairy lights and flowers wrapped around a gazebo. Lanterns with candles alit, hang from the ceiling. A man playing a violin, standing a few steps outside the gazebo.  _

_ Then I see her.  _

_ The greyscale of the world surrounding us makes the color of her red dress and his black suit bright in contrast. She glows, as she’s smiling up at him.  _

_ Walking closer to them, I examine their body language. He hesitates, not able to meet her eyes as he struggles to say something to her. _

_ “Claire, I need to tell ye.”  _

_ I lean against the post of the gazebo, my knees feeling weak as his eyes finally find hers.  _

_ “I’m listening.” She smiles.  _

_ “I—“ He begins.  _

_ Clearing his throat, my heart begins to race. _

_ “I love ye. I’ve known since the verra first moment I met ye all those years ago.” Pushing her hair behind her ear, his thumb grazes her cheek.  _

_ She whispers, “Jaime.”  _

__

_ “Ye dinna have to say it back, not until yer ready. Aye.”  _

_ “Jaime…” _

_ “I hope I dinna scare ye away, I just wanted ye to ken...” He babbles.  _

_ “Jaime.” She repeats, putting a finger to his lips.  _

_ “I love you too.” She states simply.  _

_ Euphoria and exhilaration vibrates in my veins, feeling like someone else is possessing my body.  _

_ She kisses him, then breathes him in, as their foreheads touch.  _

_ A sweet smile on both of their lips before she lays her face upon his chest once again. They begin to sway, holding each other tightly.  _

_ I close my eyes for a moment taking in this memory. Once I open my eyes the surrounding grey-scaled world transforms into a dance floor.  _

_ And there they are again, at the center.  _

_ She’s wearing that dress, the one from the photograph that hung in our living room.  _

_ The luminous white of her gown against her smooth skin is breathtaking. She looks angelic. _

_ This was it, our wedding reception. _

_ Tables surround the dance floor, filled with friends and family. The head table in the center, is where Jenny and Ian are sitting, as they look upon him and her holding hands. _

_ The music begins and he pulls her into his arms. His hand on her lower back and his other hand holding onto hers.  _

_ “I promise to keep ye upright and try not to step on yer feet, Sassenach.”  _

_ She giggles. _

_ “I trust ‘ye’ will.”  _

**_“Don't tell me I've been dreaming_ **

**_When you're standing there in front of me.”_ **

_ I step closer to them, staring intently at the way they move together. Their hands clasped and brought up between them.  _

**_“It's just the simple things, you see_ **

**_It's all the things you do to me.”_ **

_ A feeling of security, contentment, and peace wraps itself around me like a warm blanket. _

_ My heart is full from the way in which I can feel their love thrumming through them.  _

**_“When everything is crazy_ **

**_You find a way to make it right_ **

**_Yes, I love and I love and I love and I want you_ **

**_It's gonna be till the end of time.”_ **

_ I feel emotion catching in my throat. Reeling from the serene picturesque scene of them gently swaying with a tight hold upon each other. _

**_“I'm gonna love you day and night_ **

**_It's only you that makes it right, oh”_ **

_ The song ends; Jamie grabs a hold of her face and kisses her deeply. The wedding guests applaud before t _ _ he music changes and wedding guests come rushing onto the dance floor.  _

_ Jamie whispers something in her ear, his hands low on her waist. She smirks and shakes her head, playfully slapping his chest.  _

_ People begin to dance along to the upbeat tempo of the music and  _ _ I lose them in the crowd. Searching on the tips of my toes, I turn and pause.  _

_ Standing on the pavement, I try to grapple with where I am. Which moment in our life my mind decided to take me to. Looking around me reading street signs, I spot her. A different version of myself.  _

_ She drives up to an intersection, only a few metres away from her.  _

_ She seems content, older than the previous version of me but still possessing a youthfulness to her.  _

_ Coming to a stop sign, she checks both ways before she turns the corner, then—  _

_ BAM!  _

_ I jump. _

_ A car slams into her, on the driver’s side. My head spins with fear and terror at what I’m witnessing.  _

**_Was this it? Is this the accident I couldn't remember? The accident that took those beautiful moments from Jamie and I’s life, away from me?_ **

_ I can hear her sobbing and crying out for help. She uses all her strength to get her wedged arm free.  _

_ The driver of the other car is unconscious. His head split open like a cantaloupe. Blood leaking out his forehead.  _

_ Stepping over broken glass I come closer to the car. She struggles to reach and answer Jamie’s call. I can feel the sensation of pain tingling in my arm, the blood seeping from her forehead, spewing from her lips. _

_ I could hear the trepidation in Jamie’s voice.  _

_ She tries to speak with blood spilling from her mouth, splattering all over the dashboard and steering wheel.  _

_ “....kiss him for me please...kiss our son.”  _

_ Unable to speak any further she mouths the words ‘I love you’.  _

_ Jamie pleads on the phone. Drops of blood rolls down her chin and her neck. It wasn’t long until her head lolled to the side before her eyes closed.  _

_ My heart shatters at the devastation and pain of this accident.  _

_ Sirens blaring in the distance, I feel weak; fumbling closer to the driver's door. Panic erupts deep inside of me, bursting through my veins as I watch her slip away.  _

_ Edging closer to her, I reach out to touch her. I hesitate for a moment because I hadn’t tried to touch the others.  _

_ I place my trembling hand slowly on her shoulder and she unexpectedly grabs my wrist tightly and commands, “WAKE UP.”  _

My eyes fly open, the bright light in the hospital room blinding me. Blinking to clear my vision, I inhale deeply, and on an exhale, I feel a tube in my mouth weaving down my throat. 

My eyes roam the room, searching for anyone.

“Mrs. Fraser, you’re awake.”

With various tubes attached to it, I use my left hand, frantically pointing at the tube in my mouth. 

I furrow my brows and look at her. “I am going to get the doctor please wait a moment. Mrs. Fraser.” 

Doing my best, I nod at her and she leaves and comes back with a doctor. 

“Mrs. Fraser, we are going to get set up to remove the tube.” 

The doctor raises the hospital bed slightly, angling me to sit up partway. Coming back into the room with supplies, the nurse turns off the alarm on the ventilator and hands the doctor an empty syringe. 

Putting on a mask, the doctor puts his stethoscope in his ears and requests, “I am going to inflate the balloon, I need you to take some deep breaths for me.”

Weary of what he wanted from me, I take slow deep breaths. His stethoscope on my pulse on my neck, he twists the empty syringe onto one of the small tubing hanging out of my mouth. 

“No edema.” He notes. 

“Large volume on the ventilator, vitals normal with oxygen concentration high.” The nurse responds. 

“Great. Mrs. Fraser, I am going to grab a hold of the tubing while the nurse removes the tape from your face. Then, on the count of three, I need you to take a huge deep breath in on two and another breath in on three.” 

The nurse places cloth padding over my chest and gently cuts the tape on the side of my face. 

Peeling off the tape gently, the doctor grabs a hold of the large tube in one hand and grips the syringe in the other. 

Tossing the tape to the side, the nurse grabs a hold of the suction tubing awaiting the doctor's command. 

“Alright, Mrs. Fraser, one…two…”

I breathe in deeply, my throat burning at the sensation. 

“...three.”

I breathe in again as he removes the tube from my throat. 

“Good. Cough Mrs. Fraser. Keep coughing.”

I cough repeatedly, saliva spilling from my mouth, purging. The nurse puts the suction on my lips and I close my mouth around it. My eyes filling with tears at the sensation. 

Ripping open a nasal cannula the doctor explains, “This is just a nasal cannula for supplementary oxygen, do not be alarmed.”

My throat burns each time I inhale and exhale, I lie back. My mind begins to roam as the previous events of the past months of my life flood my brain. 

Jamie. My memory. Alexander. Our daughter.

My fingertips lingering on my slightly bulging stomach. 

_ The baby _ .

I cough, “Where’s my baby?” My voice is hoarse. 

“Where is my baby?” My throat, burning, as I sit up in the bed. My arms shake trying to hold the weight of my body up. 

“Mrs. Fraser, lie down. Try not to get up please.”

“Where is my baby? Is she dead?” I wheeze. 

“No, she’s not. Try to calm down Mrs. Fraser. I will phone up to the NICU and have a nurse send your husband down.” 

My husband. Jamie.

My heart quickens at the sound of his name. It’s been so long since I had seen him, truly seen him. I was trapped in my mind, jailed in a wasteland with no option to escape to get back to him. Back to our son. My memory was chained and confined like a prisoner locked into a jail cell. 

A few minutes later, Jamie comes rushing into the hospital room. “Sassenach.” 

Fighting back tears, my heart feels relief and joy. 

Brushing back my hair, he places a delicate kiss on my forehead. I relish the feel of his lips on my face, soft and warm. He pulls up a chair close to my hospital bed, and grips my right hand gently.

My other hand trembles as it rises to cup his cheek. He’d changed so much over the past months, all of the worry and stress he’d been dealing with solely on his own shown in his pale blue eyes. 

He places his hand gently on top of mine and says, “Hi mo nighean donn. I’m so glad yer awake.” 

Unable to hold them back any longer, I chuckle and let the tears spill from my eyes. 

I clear my throat. “Jamie, my love.”

Taken aback by my words, his eyes intensely stare into mine, searching inside my mind. His expression changes when he comes to the realization. 

A single tear escaping from his eye, rolling down his cheek. 

I whisper, “Hello stranger.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all for the lovely comments! I truly appreciate the way in which many of you care about this story!!! More to come very soon. Thanks again for reading!!!
> 
> FYI, if anyone was wondering song Jaime and Claire danced to at their wedding is 'Till The End by Jessie Ware <3


	14. Hope Ellen Julia Fraser

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Claire and Jamie grapple with their daughter’s early arrival. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here it is. I am sorry for the long wait, work has been keeping me extremely busy. I want to say a huge thank you to my amazing betas!!!!!!!! Enjoy!

“Jaime, my love.” 

“Claire, is it…” I pause. 

Is this real? Has her memory returned? 

I whisper, “Sassenach…” 

A faint smile forms on her pale face. 

With a groggy voice, she responds, “Hello stranger.” 

My heart skips a beat, emotion catching in my throat. “Ye have returned to me.” 

She nods. 

I kiss her all over her face; her eyelids, forehead, cheeks, lips. 

“There’s so much I want to say to ye and tell ye. Sassenach. I’ve missed ye.” 

Without her I felt so incomplete, like a part of me was missing. But knowing my better half has returned to me makes me feel w _hole,_ _again._

Kissing her again, I let my lips linger on hers. Our foreheads connect as our breathing synchronizes for the first time in months. 

She smiles. She is so pale with dry lips, eyes tired, and her hair in a bundled mess. 

“How do ye feel? Physically I mean?” 

Her labor replaying in my mind like a horror film. I am forever scarred by what I had witnessed and what I had done. 

I have a newfound love and appreciation for this incredible woman I call my wife. 

“For starters, I feel like I sat on a shredder. That was so much harder than Alex’s birth.”

I grimace as the image of me practically pulling our daughter from her body, flashes on my eyelids. 

“Where is he? With your sister?” 

“Aye.”

“I dinna ken how to ask this but do ye remember not remembering?” 

“I don’t know. It’s like having déjà vu repeatedly. The best way I can describe losing my memory is to think of my mind as being like a town that's been devastated by an earthquake. Some structures might be relatively unharmed, but the one next to it is rubble. Or I might be able to see the destination but the road is washed out so I can't get there.” 

“Ye dinna ken how happy I am ye came back to me. I was so afraid I’d lost ye forever.” 

Her fingers brush the stubble on my cheek and I kiss the inside of her hand. 

“You can never be rid of me, James Fraser. We can never truly be parted.” 

Her words break open a dam of emotions that I had bottled up inside. Crying into the crease of her arm, her hand cups the back of my neck. 

Sitting up I wipe my face using my shirt sleeve. “As soon as I can, I am getting ye and our daughter home. Ye and the children arena allowed to leave the house ever again. I am going to wrap you all up in a bubble forever.” 

Clearing her throat, she licks her dry lips before asking, “Jamie, the baby? How is she? What's happened to her? Is she dead?”

“Shhh, Sassenach. She’s alive.” Pushing her hair behind her ears, I stroke her cheek delicately. 

“She’s alive?” She repeats. 

“Aye, mo nighean donn. She’s a wee fighter, like ye.”

The tears spilling from her eyes, catch on the nasal cannula she has on her face.

“She’s in the NICU, in an incubator. No much bigger than my hand. Claire dinna try to sit up.” 

Pushing herself up and wincing in pain, my hands grab a hold of her arms to support her. 

“Have they told you if she’ll survive? The health problems she has and will have in the future?” Her voice hoarse before she clears it again. 

“They dinna ken just yet. It’s only been two days since the birth.” 

I level the hospital bed up, helping her sit up in an angled position. 

“That was only two days ago? Feels like an eternity. Jamie, I want to see her.”

Grabbing kleenex from the table next to the hospital bed, I dab on Claire’s face, wiping the tears. 

“Claire, ye are still healing. Ye lost two pints of blood, after a difficult birth. Ye need to rest. As soon as the doctor allows, I will wheel ye up myself to see her.” 

Grabbing the cup of water the nurse left on the tray near the hospital bed, I open the straw and hold it up to her mouth. 

Scowling at me, “Jamie,”

“I have pictures of her, do ye want to see those?”

Exhaling she shakes her head no. 

“I need to see her, please. To touch her and feel she's alive.”

Before I could reply the doctor enters the room. 

“Mrs. Fraser, glad to see you're awake. How are you feeling?” 

“Alive.” She says sarcastically.

“Well good. Let's take a look at your vitals and go over some of your diagnoses and any questions you may have.” 

The doctor proceeds to palpate Claire’s slightly bulging stomach as the nurse takes her temperature and checks her blood pressure. 

Claire winces at the gentle pressure the doctor applies to the left side of her stomach. 

She moves on to pressing down on Claire’s fingernails then her toenails. 

“Good, blood circulation drastically improved.” 

Putting her stethoscope in her ear, she places the diaphragm on Claire’s chest. She inquires, “Do you recall what happened before the labor began?”

“I woke up because I had to urinate and my back was on fire. Then I went to pee and when I got up I realized I was bleeding...”

“Take two deep breaths for me please.”

Claire complies, taking two deep breaths, coughing on the exhale of the second deep breath. 

“Now breathe normally.” 

“Had you experienced a headache prior to going to bed that evening?” The doctor asks, placing the stethoscope around her neck. 

Claire nods. 

“Well, based on the headache and back pain, the premature labor was most likely due to preeclampsia. The hemorrhage was caused by the placenta slightly tearing from the uterine wall during the birth.” 

“Tell me, what happened after I began to hemorrhage? Did I go into shock? My kidneys or other organs shut down?” 

Claire was showing she was back in full form, grilling the doctor. I felt so much relief; my mind struggled to process all of the medical jargon doctors had been saying to me as I was the one left making decisions for her and the bairn. 

“Yes, you did go into shock. Upon your arrival we intubated you and gave you a blood transfusion. We’ve been monitoring your organ function and everything is normal. You made it to the hospital in time.”

“Your blood pressure is still on the high side, but it's dropping which is a very good sign. We will do some blood work to check your levels. Your records show you suffered some injuries months ago. A car accident?”

Claire nods. 

“I am going to order some imaging to check and ensure your recent injuries haven't caused the previous ones to flare up.”

“I know that was a lot of information but do you have any questions for me?” 

“Yes, I have one question. When can I see my daughter?” 

“If you feel well enough after the scans then you can see her later this afternoon. But no longer than an hour, your body needs its rest.” 

“Thank you.”

After receiving scans and getting her blood drawn, I wheel Claire to the NICU. 

We sanitize, scrubbing and washing our hands near the nurses station before making our way to our small miracle. I wheel Claire past other bairns of various sizes in incubators. Each incubator was spaced out with six feet between them and a small curtain that was used for privacy.

Our daughter was towards the back near the right corner, ten feet from another nurses station that was in the back left. 

“She’s so small and...look at her hair.” Claire says, her voice low and quiet with her eyelashes wet from tears. 

I push down the brakes on Claire’s wheelchair and pull up a chair next to her. 

“She has Alex’s hair.” 

Reaching through the hole on the side of the incubator, Claire uses her index finger to touch our bairn’s small hand. The blue webs of her veins, easily visible under her translucent skin. Her eyes were shut, with some sort of cloth or gauze wrapped around her head covering them. There were so many cords and tubing connected to her, I had no idea what any of it was. 

I turn to stare at Claire, she was analyzing every detail of our daughter's small body. 

“What’s happened to her arm?” Claire inquires, not taking her eyes off the baby. 

I swallow. I had forgotten to tell Claire what I had done. “Sassenach it’s...it’s my fault.”

“What do you mean?” 

“During the birth, I—I broke it. I dinna mean to or ken how it happened. I’m so verra verra sorry.” My heart clenching in my chest at the fact that I had hurt her. 

She looks at me, her face soft, “Jamie, it’s alright. It happens quite often during birth actually. She will heal.” 

Smiling at me she looks back towards the bairn.

“You must be Mrs. Fraser. Hi, I'm Nurse Geillis, I have been one of the nurses taking care of this angel here. Hi Jamie.”

Geillis had been the main nurse caring for the baby. She was always here as I sat next to the baby all day. 

Claire jumps into grilling the nurse, skipping over introductions, “How is she? What problems does she have? What are her chances of surviving? Who is the other nurse who takes care of her?” 

“Claire.” I start before she shoots a glance my way, warning me to keep my trap shut. 

“Well, Mrs. Fraser, she was born at 24 weeks and the survival rate is between 65-80%, but that rate increases each day. She has all of the typically micro-preemie issues and complications but she's fighting her way through it. The neonatologist makes their rounds in the mornings. Your husband here can tell you what time and where to talk with the doctor.” 

“Thank you nurse Geillis, and you can call me Claire.” 

Claire continues to ask questions as she and Geillis begin talking for a bit. But, I could see in Claire’s eyes she was beginning to get tired and was in pain. 

Geillis leaves and Claire focuses her attention back on the baby. 

“Sassenach, why don’t we get you back in bed and we can come see the lass again after ye have rested aye?” I suggest. 

She groans. 

“No, I'm alright just a little longer. Look at her little fingernails and it looks like she has your chin.” 

“Claire, you're in pain.” 

Looking up at me, her eyes filled with tears again, pleading with me to give her more time.

I exhale, “Just a few more minutes aye? Then ye both need to get some rest.” 

Kissing her forehead, she returns her attention back to the bairn. 

“The poor lass doesna even have a name yet. Do ye ken what we should call her?”

My hand gently rubs her lower back as she shifts, discomfort from the pain written all over her face.

“I don’t know maybe we should name her after your mother or my mother.”

“I dinna ken maybe that can be her middle name, aye. What about something like Faith or Angel? She is our miracle after all.” I suggest.

“Well, Faith is a beautiful name but she doesn’t look like a Faith.”

Brushing the tip of her index finger along the small hand, her face softens and lightens up.

“What about Hope, we could call her Hope.” 

“Aye. our Hope. I like the sound of it. Hope Fraser.” 

After kissing the back of Claire’s free hand, I hold onto it. All the tension, suffering, and pain from the past months, dissipates from my body and mind. 

Days went by as Claire recovers from the grueling birth that almost claimed her life. 

As many times as the doctor allows, Claire and I were in the NICU. It didn't take long for Claire to befriend Geillis as she was Hope’s sole caregiver when we were not around. 

It wasn't long until the doctor gave us the news; Claire would be released from the hospital soon. 

“I don’t care what the doctor says, we can’t leave her, I can’t leave her. I will not go home tomorrow without her. Especially after the doctor told us she has a heart murmur two days ago.”

“Sassenach I know yer afraid, I’m terrified too. But she’s being cared for by these amazing nurses. We will be able to come sit with her every day.”

Tears roll down her cheeks as she strokes Hope’s wee hand. 

“She needs me.” Claire says through clenched teeth.

“Aye she does, she needs for ye to be rested and healed so yer strong enough to take care of her.”

“How can she know I love her, know we love her if we're not here?” Throwing a glance my way her chin trembles. 

I exhale. She was breaking my heart. 

“Shhh, mo ghraidh. Come here.” 

She places her face on my chest with her arms wrapped around my waist. I rub circles on her lower back, smoothing down her hair with my other hand, and kiss the crown of her head. 

“If she dies while we are at home, I will never forgive myself.” 

“Sassenach, ye canna think that way. She’s alive, strong, and resilient. Our Hope will be alright.” 

Wiping her tears with the sleeve of the jumper she whispers, “You know she can hear us. Hearing is developed usually at this point in the womb.” 

“Can she? So she knows our voices.” 

“Yes, she does.” 

Hope is curled up on her left side, blankets situated around her. Her wee hands balled up into a fist. 

“You promise me every day for as long as I want?”

“Aye, every day for as long as the  _ staff  _ allows.” I promise. 

Exhaling, she nods her head and sits up straight. 

“My baby, Mama loves you.” 

I help Claire stand to her feet with my arm around her waist. 

Saying a quick prayer for Hope, I cross myself. 

We stop by the nurses station on our way out. Geillis stands up and reassures Claire, “You know I will continue to take great care of your little angel.” 

“I know. Thank you Geillis. I appr--” 

An alarm goes off as a machine beeps from the back corner of the NICU. 

BEEP. BEEP. 

Geillis and the other nurses quickly run towards the sound. Other parents and visitors all watch as the nurses rush around an incubator near the back corner. I could not see if it was Hope, there was a curtain drawn near one of the incubators closer to where we stood, completely blocking Hope from our line of sight.

BEEP. BEEP. BEEP. BEEP.

Claire’s legs go weak and I scoop her up into my arms. 

She tucks her face into my neck, unable to look.

“Jamie...is that Hope?” 

The beeping stops. 

My arms tremble, as I hold onto Claire. She wraps her arms around my neck, still refusing to look towards where the commotion is. 

Blinking repeatedly, I couldn't see. My sight was blurry from the tears that build up in my eyes. 

A few moments later, the nurses disperse. Each going to check on the other babies. Claire is sobbing on my shoulder, her arms squeezing around my neck. 

Looking around, I finally spot her. Geillis talks to another nurse before looking up. The moment she makes eye contact with me she freezes. 

“Oh God, no.” I thought to myself. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoyed more to come. I am still trying to determine how many more chapters is left in this fic, every time I think of wrapping things up and ending it I get more ideas. Thank you for reading!!!!


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